{11}

I entitle this post "11" for a number (ha! get it...11/number...I am so funny I know!) of reasons.

First-its {11} on the countdown on my 30 blogs in 30 Days Journey

Second-ELEVEN is my all time favorite number as I was born on November 11th and have always thought that was very cool


Third-(ironically) today is June 11th (Happy 22 month birthday Addy and Lilly)!

So without further a do you shall receive a Mamalouise type of blog today! A selfish blog so to speak. I really have nothing planned (as I normally don't) but think its time to ramble a bit about, well...I guess we shall see.

I have been doing a lot of thinking lately...which can be dangerous. I have been dealing with some part time insomnia which is nothing new in the last 2o or so months but still can be maddening. I have learned to deal with it a little bit and will now just lay in bed and think about whatever it is my brain apparently needs to work out before it lets me go back to sleep.

I think about how I never knew I would be this type of mom. The all "hands on, not working outside of the home, very depended on, doesn't make time for myself very much or very well," type. I was so into me, selfish old me (even while prego) that I never knew. And its been hard the whole quitting of being selfish/not having a job/somewhat losing and then regaining my identity thing. Geez, you people have even read about the hardness that it sometimes is.

However, along this whole 21 month journey I have ALWAYS felt I was exactly where I was supposed to be. I may not have always been comfortable there but always had a comfort of sorts because I was where I was for a reason (yet to be completely figured out).

I have gotten better about saying the word "no." Which is funny because I feel less selfish than I ever have in my life. But maybe saying no to things because I don't want to do them isn't being selfish at all...just smart! But "no" is a fabulous word and all should have it in their vocabulary. And while having it in their vocabulary should not feel bad for saying it. I used to do things all the time that I didn't want to do because I didn't want to hurt someone's feelings, or felt like I had to for one reason or another. Not so much anymore. If I don't want to do it, I don't and don't really care if someone is pissed about it. I used to be a HUGE people pleaser. Now I am just a people pleaser. :)

I sometimes wonder if JD should be our only child. Which was not who I thought I would be as a mom EVER. I originally wanted THREE...then got pregnant and thought there was no way I was going down that road TWO more times, so I said I could have TWO, and then JD came along and, like I said, some days I think we are complete just the way we are. I have friends moving onto baby number two...and the thought of that gives me hives. Itchy hives. That, I fear would make getting an actual babysitter to come to my house and watch my CHILDREN not CHILD a LOT harder...and its already hard. That means I would get even LESS time to myself, and right now I don't even know how that would be humanly possible.

I am more than just a mom, although I love being a mother more than I ever knew I would. Once again, which is why I feel very good in the place I am at right now. But I am more than just a mom. And I don't want to lose that girl, that fun, somewhat free spirited, laugh at her own jokes, have a beer on the porch with you on a Monday night just because, feels really pretty in pajama pants and a tank top (with ratty, unbrushed hair), sings so loud in her car that people shake their head at her at stoplights...that girl. I like her. I like me.

People don't like it when you tell them you like yourself. A lot of people don't like themselves. I have always liked me and I never want to lose that. I haven't always liked all of me, like the body of me. Still struggle with that. So don't call me arrogant. I'm not. People have always seen me as confident though, and I like that. Speaking of that, I used to care a lot more about what others thought about me. That is a curse. Don't do it. Anyway...I don't care at all. And really, I have P-Daddy to thank for that. He has NEVER cared what others thought about him. I admire that. He thinks he's cool even if the rest of the world thinks whatever they want. I think you get a lot further in life this way.

I don't like this stage in my life right now when it comes to friendships. Its a weird time. Some married, some with child/children, some without, some never gonna have children and can't believe we do, some in serious relationships, some single and happy, some single and sad. Regardless I never knew this stage would be so highschooly weird. I watched "Bride Wars" the other night (during P-Daddy's weekend away) and got emotional over the fact that these two girls were so close. I mean despite the drama (ha!). There are many days that I feel very distant from many (sometimes all) of my friends. Part of it is because I feel like for the first time in our friendship I am being true to MYSELF and not just to them (insert the word "no" here...you know to what they think I should be doing for them, with them, etc), and sometimes I blame it on a plethora of things (kids, distance, the weather, you name it). Regardless, its a weird time and I don't like it. I don't care that we aren't all in the same place...wouldn't that be boring if we were? I think so.

I have friends that read this blog that are probably taking what I just said personally. Its nothing I haven't said to any of them though, so whether they like it or not, they know I feel this way. And I am only writing about it because today is a selfish blog day and I am letting myself write whatever I please. :) And that I don't think I/we are alone in this weird time of friendships. Sure...I could probably walk the neighborhood and find mommy friends that stay at home too and we may laugh a bit at the pool this summer...but I would MUCH rather just spend time with my real friends. I don't need all that fluff. I need my friends to be friends.

P-Daddy is my best friend. I also got emotional (translated, cried...or rather sobbed) during "Bride Wars" at how lucky I am (insert I am PMSing and anything somewhat emotional is fair game for tears to shed). So with the weirdness that is 20 somethings friendships it is nice to have a true best friend. I literally have never had a friend like him. Oh people don't think we are perfect...we fight, we disagree, we have our moments. But seriously, no one has ever loved and respected me like him and a girls just gonna tear up about the hugeness of that every once in a while.

I hope you are happy today, just exactly where you are. I hope if you aren't, that you do something about it. I hope you love and are loved. We only get one life, why not live it?