Missing a little bit of that "Effortless" thing that used to be a part of my life

I like hard work.  I really do.  I love that feeling I get after I have cleaned my entire house and am sweaty and the house smells good and dinner is in the crock pot and the laundry is done.  I love that. 

I love when I have a huge project at work and its finally done and someone says they loved it.  Because I already loved it but its nice to know that your hard work is working for you.

Or how about when I took my child to the daycare at the gym for the first time in over a year and when I picked him up the babysitter ladies told me what a nice young man he is.

All of that is wonderful hard work paying off.  And I love it.

But today I need a little bit of effortless in my life.  That sentence probably doesn't make sense.  But its what I need so I am keeping it there.

I need a day where I can call my friend and we just talk.  We just go get coffee.  We don't need a reason.  We just exist as friends.  Because we like each other.

I need a day where I can leave my house to run an errand or have a little me time and everything is in its place when I return.  The kids, the house, the dishes.  And I just fall into the couch with my People magazine and watch mindless television and just exist for a moment. 

I need a day where I come to work and I put in my day and feel good at the end of it.  Accomplished.

I just need some effortless in my life.

I have a case of the Monday's if you can't tell.

And apparently I think its a good reason to blog.

We will see if it turns out to be. HA!

I think this is why I feel this way:
Woke up at 1:30 am, fed baby J.
Put her back to bed at 2:30am
Had to take a half of a Tylenol PM at 3:30 pm because P-Daddy was snoring so bad I couldn't fall back asleep from being woken up at 1:30am
Next thing I know JD is tapping me at 7am
My mom stayed with us last night so her dog is at the house.  Throw on clothes (or more clothes-I am not a sexy type sleeper-ha!), get JD bundled, me bundled and we take Pete (the dog) out.
Jacob has tantrum number one of the day because I wouldn't let him put on the leash.
Get the dog in.
Make JD his milk and get him a nutra grain bar
get the dog his food
make myself some coffee
JDs alarm clock starts going off (because he is supposed to sleep until that goes off). 
I run upstairs to turn it off and find baby J awake.
Get baby J. 
Change her diaper.
Give her Zantac. 
Feed her.
Get JD bundled again, get myself bundled and take Pete out to poop
Get JD dressed for school.
P-Daddy is now up and JD goes upstairs to talk to him.
I take this opportunity to pack JD's school bag.
Baby J has pooped. 
Change baby J's diaper.
Its 8:40. 
JD is leaving for school with Daddy.
My mom is up now and taking care of Baby J.
I go to the office, boot up my computer and start my work day.
Have first meeting with boss where I am told I didn't turn in my "best work"-probably right. 
Take notes. 
Doing it over.
Get a text from P-Daddy that JD had a complete meltdown when he was dropped at school
Still on a call/meeting with my boss.  And now he is telling me how unhappy he is with other peoples work.
Flip to now where P-Daddy is back home because he doesn't feel good. 
Struggling to keep JD down for a nap.
Have EOD meetings that I am preparing for.
Still have unbrushed teeth, pajama bottoms, my shirt I wore yesterday on and haven't brushed my hair.
I have a huge zit on the tip of my nose
I have a huge zit on the side of my nose where a mole is and I am sort of freaking out that something is wrong (just went to the dermatologist and nothing was wrong then of course).
PS-I have been zit free my whole life so this is pissing me off
The lawn needs mowed and P-Daddy is sick-guess who is doing that now?
Finish meetings at 5pm
Mow lawn.
Make dinner for JD.
Feed Baby J Squash and Rice Cereal
Bath JD
Bath Baby J
Put JD to bed
Feed Baby J last bottle
Put Baby J to bed
Eat something somewhere in there
Go back to work because I didn't have time to complete everything I needed to in the 8 hours I was in the den today
Make bottle for the middle of the night
Make coffee for the morning
Go to bed

*Note: I don't always do all of this. Sometimes P-Daddy wakes up with JD in the morning.  And the night routine is normally shared.  But not today.  And probably not tomorrow.  Cause when P-Daddy is sick, he is out and an additional person for me to care for.  Doesn't make me love him any less.  Just makes it a bit of a harder week for me.  All of that was brutally honest and hard for me to type but I am keeping it there. 

I realize that something at some point is gonna give.  Has gotta give.  I don't want it to be me.  Lack of sleep can do that to this momma.  Lack of sleep and the constant of the above.

And I pause for a moment and think "How in the HELL do the Duggars do it?"  And then I laugh at myself for thinking that because its so outlandish but seriously, how do they do it?

On top of all of the above.  I.never.stop.thinking.

Thinking about

if JD is in the right school or if I need to send him full time somewhere
if I am in the right job for me
If P-Daddy is happy (with his job, his life, me, sex, you name it)
Shit...if I am happy (with all of the above)
If I am spending enough quality time with Baby J
If I am spending enough time with JD
If I am spending enough time with P-Daddy
If I am spending enough time with me
If my boss is happy with that specific day
And then in the middle of the night I start making mental to-do's for the next day while I am not sleeping
If I am skinny enough for me
How am I going to get skinny
If my mom is happy
If my dads business is going to be okay through this recession
And then if my brother will be okay if the business isn't okay
If P-Daddy's parents are okay and healthy and happy
If my dad is healthy and okay
If I am being a good enough friend
If I am being a good enough sister
If I am good enough
If I work out enough, not for skinniness for healthiness
Then I think about it for the skinniness part
If I tell people my feelings enough
If I tell people my feelings too much
Then I think about what I wish I would have said to that person at work that talked down to me that specific day
Am I being myself
Are we saving enough
I literally could go on and on but I will spare you

and I know I am not alone.  Everyone has their own struggles.  Facebook is good and bad for me on this front alone.  Good because everyone seems to be so honest about their trials and tribulations on their status updates...most of which I find completely trivial and it makes me stop for a moment and be thankful that I am not a skank.  Ha.  Then bad because I start to feel guilty about all the feelings I have above because my life is so good.  And I am not a skank.

Needless to say I made a long overdue appt with the therapist today.  Or I at least emailed her.  Its time to go and have a good cry on her couch.  She is the one person on this planet that doesn't make me feel like my feelings about anything are trivial or bad.  And I need that right now.  Apparently worse than I thought.

Sharing Time!

I am an oversharer. I overshare. The good, the bad, the ugly. I will share with you. I do it (most of the time) because I am a rescuer by nature. I want to help you. Are you going through something? I bet I have a story that's worse (in my head) or equal that will help. Or I hope it will.
I realized an obvious factoid the other day when I was oversharing. That no matter how well I overshare (or tell my story), no matter how detailed it is-no one really knows what it feels like/felt like to be me in that or any situation. Simple thought, complex emotion.

Its just a story to anyone I overshare with.

It was/is my life.

Essentially I am telling you so you can hear what it is to walk a mile in my shoes. So you know you aren't alone.

Never before have I thought about it this way and I don't know why. Especially because I am such an oversharer.

Hello-if you have read this blog long enough you KNOW I overshare.

In my hormonal state I think this came to mind because a LOT has happened since I had baby girl. Stuff that may have also happened to other people but that is still so personal that it can only be a story to them and it was my real life.a

Like Open heart surgery for dad.

6 additional days on the ventilator for dad because there were complications.

Dad being 2 and a half hours a way while I had just had surgery to get baby girl out of me.

P-Daddys dad having a procedure done.

Hospitals everywhere.

Oh and then Dad got married.

So just a lot. And so lots of stories to tell. Lots of people asking questions. Lots of me oversharing.

I don't like secrets. That's another reason I overshare.

The in laws didn't know my dad had been to prison prior to our marriage. I by no means kept it a secret- just never came up in conversation (and why would it I guess...but most of the time I would have made sure that people who are close to me know about this).

So when it DID come up the looks on their faces alone told how they felt. And that's why I don't like secrets. And that's why I overshare.

You can judge. But at least judge with all of the facts.

I think I used to overshare because I was scared of the judging.

Now I overshare because its part of who I am and I like me and I want to help you.

But in realizing that my stories are JUST stories to you I also realized that your stories are just stories to me. And that sometimes in my oversharing I am not LISTENING to you enough. And by you I mean anyone who I have overshared with. So I guess, you.

Lately I have been laying in bed at night thinking of all the things I want to overshare about.

Like my postpartum weight and how breastfeeding didn't really help. And that I don't love myself enough during pregnancy to not gain too much weight.

And like how I already quit breastfeeding and how that whole thing was good, bad, REALLY ugly (like my nipples) at times but so worth it. Even if it was for a short time. And I can't believe the guilt I feel about stopping.

Or the fact that I am looking forward to going back to work and how guilty I feel about that. I am telling you that being a stay-at-home mommy was hard but I think that being a working mom may just be harder. Because of the guilt and the guilt alone.

And how the worst part about getting therapy for yourself is that it makes you look at all the people around you totally different. How transparent they now are because of everything I have learned. And how I just want to shout from the rooftops what a gift it is to learn more about yourself and heal from any wounds you may have from life thus far.


And really, all of that oversharing is just my selfish thoughts that may or may not help you or you or you but they are the ones that I lie in bed at night and think about how I should blog about them.

And so I have.

And yet another deep thought by this momma

So I am having a girl as you all know by now.

And I am so excited.

But I am also so scared.

Women are so hard on themselves (including this woman). And I was hard on myself as a girl, teen, and young adult too.

So I was at a baby shower today of a friend who happens to also be having a girl. There were 34 other beautiful women there...some I knew, most I didn't from all walks of this friends life. I listened (probably looked creepy but whatevs) to these girls talk about their jobs, their friends, their lives. I find people so interesting so this is always fun for me...you know to be the creepy one listening in! HA!

Anyway...then it came time to take the group photo. We all gathered on this pretty staircase and that's when it started.

"I would prefer to be in the back"
"Please take this shot from the waist up"
"Could you hide my hips"

...and those were just a few.

I have to admit that earlier at this same shower one of my friends and I were discussing our Christmas cards and I sooo said I hate having my own face on them as I criticize almost all pictures of myself. To which she replied "oh whatever you are soo freaking photogenic"...to which I replied "oh no I am not"...but then followed it up with "I do realize that I am my worst critic." And I look back at that conversation and just want to stop myself and say instead "THANK YOU."

In her eyes, perception is probably reality. Meaning in her eyes I AM photogenic. And paying someone a compliment like that is extremely sweet. Next time, I promise to say thank you. Whether I believe it or not.

Speaking of BELIEVING it...I actually have come a long way from the days where I would look in the mirror and only see my flaws. I actually do like ME. Even my growing a** from the baby growing inside of me. :) Even that. And that, my dear readers is a HUGE STEP for this girl.

But this brings me to the responsibility I feel to my unborn daughter.

I realize that society will play a part in how she looks at herself.

I realize that I (and P-Daddy) will play the LARGEST part.

Yes, this may sound or read as if I am only focusing on vanity. But if you are a girl and you are reading this, you know what you think about yourself to the core of your being. And it starts with what you are looking at in the mirror. Yes, sure you may see wrinkles and not love them...but if you look at your eyes you see your core. This is what I am talking about. And you may not really be able to pin point WHY you feel the way you do but I can tell you from all the therapy this girl has had...it came from your family. And how you feel at the core of yourself does spill out of you. Whether you like it or not. Like when you are 30 something and have to take a group picture at a baby shower.

My husband, by the way looks at himself fondly in the mirror every single day. And always has since the day I met him. And I love this quality. He likes himself. I want both my kids to feel this way too.

So as I am aware this CAN be something men deal with, I know this IS something women deal with.

When I hear friends who already have little girls criticize them I cringe. They hear you is what I want to say. You are shaping them NOW. And I don't think calling a 2 year old chubby is ever okay. Mostly because its just allowing YOU to think its okay to say it later too.

So I may be a bit sensitive because of my own experiences...and I may take this way too seriously for some...but no matter your thoughts of what I am writing if you are a woman...YOU KNOW WHAT I AM TALKING ABOUT and you know how it affects YOU!

I have always said "you do better when you know better." And we all know better. We are all smart, we have all seen the way this whole thing plays out. I want our baby girl to grow up and say "THANK YOU" to a compliment without even thinking twice about it. Because at her core, she knows that she is beautiful inside and out. I want her to truly love herself.

By the way your parents did the best they knew how. Just as mine did. We all carry our baggage and unfortunately this is given to our children. I don't blame my parents as what good does that do? I just want to learn from my own experiences. And NOT repeat history.

And so I am scared.

Because this is a HUGE responsibility.

For both our kids.

But believe me when I say I am thrilled to be given this opportunity. To be a parent. To love my children and show them how to love.

Dear God thank you for the gift of my children...help me do your will along the road of raising them! AMEN!

How Are You?

My mind is rather full right now. I have an overly active brain as it is and then with the extra blood flow because of being prego...well, to put it nicely, the brain is on overdrive.

It doesn't feel any different than my normal over-active brain but I know with the amount of stuff I have swirling around, it is. And also what kind of stuff. Its everything from the national attention on bullying, to worrying about JD (normal), to thinking about exactly how I should re-arrange, oh, you know, the WHOLE house, to what I will wear for Christmas Eve mass and, and, and. Insert any topic and its probably running through my brain.

And I already have the perfect dress for Christmas Eve mass. But I still wake up in the middle of the night and think about how the ENTIRE outfit will look together. So I guess in the end it better be great cause its only October! :)

But honestly, mostly I think about the people closest to my heart. And this is NOTHING new. A lot of women say "its so hard to put myself first, put myself on the list, think of myself." And yes, I find this hard too...especially after having JD. And yes I went through some serious "where did mamalouise go/identity crisis" stuff. But I believe I came out better for all of that so I don't dwell.

It is not in my human nature to think of myself first. I would MUCH rather ask how you are and talk about you and your life and your cheers and fears. MUCH rather. If you read my diary I kept from 5th grade through high school you would know that this is so true its a bit ridiculous. I read my middle school diary somewhat recently and in most posts I wrote how I was worried about so and so and needed to pray for so and so.

I am this way to a fault.

Now that doesn't mean I can't dominate conversations like the best of em. I can. And that is not my best quality. Even though while dominating I am most likely just trying to help by sharing a story from my own personal experience that I think may be a good parallel. NOT EVERYONE WANTS HELPED MAMA! But my brain always goes there.

Sometimes, no more than sometimes I think I would have been better suited as a therapist.

I have lots of personal stories to draw upon. Believe me. I was telling one just last night to a few friends at dinner (my dad going to jail one) and even as I was sharing what I have shared a million times I still thought to myself (this doesn't even sound real...I bet this friend of mine is questioning how truthful this all is). And yet the whole thing is real and true. So anyway I kind of have the shock and awe stories that have to make people feel better about their current situation, right?

On a side note, I think this is one of the reasons I have issues with liars. Why would people make up stories about their own life/experience for a shock and awe type of reaction? Coming from someone who has lived through some actual shock and awe, its insulting.

P-Daddy told me the other day how awesome he thought it was that I could laugh about my family's dysfunction. That he believes a lot of people would walk through life bitter and defensive if they had lived through some of the same stuff I have. And its funny, because the word bitter has NEVER even crossed my mind. The feeling bitter has never been in my soul.

I feel blessed actually. I feel blessed to have a life story already.

To have known what I wanted before entering a marriage because of seeing my parents mistakes...

To be able to help friends (and sometimes complete random strangers that I get into weird conversations with) with my story...

To have been adult enough to demand that I go to the college I want when I had very little support from my parents at age 17...

To live through a lot of adults in my life acting more like children than adults and having to pick up their pieces...

To know that I never want to have any sort of permanent addiction because I have seen what doing anything in excess can bring you...

To have already felt somewhat prepared as a parent because I have somewhat already been one to my brother...

I look at everyone and see their beauty first. Sure, once I get to know you I may see the demons you have too but I always see the beauty first. I could give a 45 minute (minimum) speech on every one of my friends and tell them all of the beautiful things about them. The things they see, and the things that they don't.

My point in sharing that is because I guess P-Daddy was right, I could have been the girl to have wallowed in her family's dysfunction. And yes, I am in therapy. Its one of the most selfish things I have done in my life to date honestly. That and smoking way too many cigarettes for too many years. Therapy just helps me see the beauty within my family, my story. It doesn't make me bitter.

I have ALWAYS said that God put me on earth so that I could help others. That everything that has happened in my life was only so I could help others with their trials. I am so glad that He also gave me the strength to laugh, cry, yell and even scream through all of my experiences.

Please know I have my days. I HAVE my days. :) I am just so freaking lucky to have found P-Daddy. To be able to be sharing my life with someone I truly enjoy spending time with, who is my best friend in a sense that no one has ever been to me (and its not because he gets to make sweet love to me-HA!!)


And for my take on the bully's and bullying...bully's have more pain than they know what to do with and that sucks. The bullying they do sucks worse because they are hurting others in their pain. And its a no win situation because there is always two victims in the end. I know the world doesn't see the bully's like that but I do. They were already hurting for some reason and decided to inflict pain on someone else...and then they hurt someone to the point of killing themselves in some cases and now that bully has to live with the pain they already had AND the fact they lead someone to death. Its awful. Parents need to hug their kids more. Get off their Facebook page and hug their kids more.

Oh and I think some of this said bullying is complete crap (the ones that make the news that don't end in death)...as I think it is over-reacting, sue happy, want to be famous parents who jump at any opportunity. Sad truth.

So blog stalkers...How Are You today?

Dear Mlouise,

This is a fun post I found via OHML and COEX. Very therapeutic. Highly suggest it to one and all.
Dear 9 year old Mlouise,

You are in 5th grade and you just found out you have scoliosis bad enough to be sent to a specialist. This brings a whole new set of challenges to your life, including a not so fun experience with an x-ray technician. I look back at you and wonder how you handled this so well. All of it. I can't believe all that you have already been through in your life, from the FBI to your house burning down while your whole family was sleeping inside, its crazy to me that you were so put together. You get an absolutely AWFUL perm and started to realize that being pretty was something to worry about. You were freaking awesome at softball, although this was one area that you doubted yourself. You shouldn't have because you were great.

Dear 12 year old Mlouise,

You recently found out you have to have back surgery because your scoliosis is so bad. You wore a back brace at night for over a year and your spine didn't stop curving. You are now growing side-ways. Its a great look. Your grandmother just died and this completely rocked your world. But don't worry, because somehow for the rest of your life you will feel her with you. You get back surgery and you rocked it. Grew two inches in a 4 hour time period and now have a cool scar on your back that will be a conversation starter for years to come. You are in show choir and you LOVE it. Your dad has already been to jail and is back again. Your family didn't lose the business and things are starting to fall back into "normal." You start to suspect that your parents aren't going to be together forever. You start dying your hair blonde. I kind of want to go back and give you a big hug. You are cute and you don't think so and you are WAYYYYY to worried about it. You also fret about getting fat wayyy too much. xoxo girlfriend.

Dear 13 year old Mlouise,

You get your first solo in show choir this year and you rocked it. You don't think so though...but I have VHS video to prove it girl. I am so proud of you. You also help your basketball team in ways you never thought you could. You are a bit too caddy to your friends for my own taste...which is too bad but I know it was because you were so insecure. Again, wish I could go back and tell you how fantastic you were. You dyed your hair auburn for a hot second (and have a picture to prove it as 8th grade pictures were the next day)...this was not a good look for you sweetie. You had your very first kiss at the movie theater with your boyfriend watching "So I married an ax murderer." That boyfriend would go down in history as being one of the kindest. That break up was way too brutal for 8th grade though. You wore a white dress with white panty hose to your eighth grade graduation that you purchased at DEB.

Dear 16 year old Mlouise,

A lot has happened in three years! You are driving a sweet teal Chrysler Lebaron convertible...and you love it. You are on the dance team, something you cherish and are thriving in show choir. All of the sports you grew up loving have gone by the way side and you have officially become a girly girl. Your parents get divorced. This doesn't come as a surprise but is so dysfunctional that you change as a person. You wore your heart on your sleeve before and now you bottle everything up inside. I so wish I could go back and tell you NOT to do that. I so wish someone in your life would have realized how badly you just needed a hug. You become your brothers rock and your relationship with him grows in ways you never thought possible. You get accepted to every college you apply to. You don't get into Butler University's singing program. You do get into Butler. You are so excited to LEAVE Dvegas.

Dear 19 year old Mlouise,


You LOVE Butler. You are a sophomore/junior in college already...time sure does fly. You are dating the man you THINK you are going to marry. Turns out you are really wrong about that but learned a whole lot about relationships and yourself. You are in a sorority but most days regret making that decision. Although your greatest friends are a part of it and I am positive that is the only reason you stayed. You smoke a LOT of cigarettes. Its how you deal with most anything stressful (and lets be honest...goes hand in hand with the large amount of cocktails you are consuming). Your mom lives in California and this is cool and devastating all at once. Your dad dates a woman you loathe so going "home" is hard. You throw the biggest millennium New Years party Dvegas has seen. You didn't have fun though. Wish I could have told you to have fun! You are a bit more secure with yourself but in general you still worry way too much. You have great friends. Ones that do give you hugs when they suspect you need one.

Dear 21 year old Mlouise,

You became a fair queen and handed off your crown already. It was fun for sure, but you didn't believe in yourself enough. I know it is because you didn't feel like anyone else did either, but you should have believed in yourself more. You were a great public speaker and totally could have won the state title. I am glad you didn't though. You officially graduate from college and officially find yourself BROKE. Your friends all left the city after graduating. You didn't. You got the worst job ever and hated going every single day. You barely paid your bills. But you are strong woman. You do pay them, you do go to work (most days), and you do look for something better. You are dating the man you will marry and he is and has been the best thing to walk in your life. Ever. You don't worry so much about anything when you are around him. Turns out that landed you a bit chubby for a while but turns out he loved you anyway. You find your dream job. You find yourself a bit more too.

Dear 23 year old Mlouise,

You are engaged, and about to be married to P-Daddy. You are a homeowner. You are freaking rocking out at your job that you LOVE in ways many never thought you would. Your mom has remarried and is living in Tennessee now. You go on your first real cruise and learn how to play blackjack and roulette. These are skills that carry you well throughout the coming years as you will work mostly with men who like to take manager trips to casinos! You marry the man of your dreams on the hottest day of the year in a big ole church with no AC (with many other blips including a HORRIBLE DJ that people still laugh about today) and yet it still goes down as one of the best days in life thus far. You take lots and lots of vacations and go to places you never thought you would. You become Catholic. This is the most confident you have felt, maybe ever, about everything. Life is really good.

Dear 26/27 year old Mlouise,

You are a manager now and are working on a commercial construction design project that you love. You are a homeowner for the second time as you and P-Daddy have already sold and built a new home again! You are pregnant with your first child and you kind of hate it. Pregnancy hasn't been awesome to you as there have been a lot of trials. Two of your best friends are pregnant and as much as you want to love this, it isn't as fun as it sounds. You start to feel the most insecure you have in a LONG time and you aren't real happy about that. You quit your job because you think you are moving to Cincinnati for your husbands job but it doesn't happen. You lose your management role because of this. I want to go back and tell you that its all going to be okay and work out in the end. Because it did. Just not the way you ever thought it would. You plan your first wedding and realize in the mean time this may be something you want to pursue full time. You train for a mini marathon but are too freaked out to run it. You are the most sleep deprived you have ever been in your life and yet are still functioning (sort of). You deliver a healthy baby boy who rocks.

Dear 29 year old Mamalouise,

You kind of can't believe what you just wrote above. Its been a great life so far. Even with all the stuff. Because all of the stuff. You are really happy to be sitting here writing on this beautiful day about how far you have come... how many times the road of life split off and somehow you have always ended up on the right path. Your husband really is one of the best gifts that God sent you. You look at your son in awe most days because you cannot believe that you made him and how much he is like you (loud mouthed, opinionated, stubborn...all of the qualities I heart! :). You worry a lot and I want to tell you to stop. What you worry about is out of your control and you need to have more faith in God, take a few more deep breaths and pray. You have recently just fallen into a dream job and are grateful. You have really started to love yourself again and take care of yourself. You think all the time about what a gift this is. Your mom just moved back and this rocked your world a bit. But in such a good way. You are excited about the big 3-0 and what this next decade in life will bring. You are good at asking for hugs when you need them now. Life isn't exactly what you thought it would be, most days its better.

Uncomfortable

I think I tend to make people uncomfortable. With my words. Or my language. Or both.


I am pretty sure that when I stood in front of my sorority on senior night LMAO about how my favorite movie was "Ernest Goes to Jail" because that is my fathers name and he had really been to jail I made people uncomfortable. It was a joke obviously, about that being my favorite movie and all. Its not.


I have definitely called my son a nightmare to friends. The looks were priceless. Again, uncomfortable. I mean really, he can be a nightmare, I can be a nightmare, most of them can be a nightmare too. Why can't I just be honest? Without the looks.


No one really likes it when I am honest about my pregnancy either. You know the part where I bled out something they think may have been JD's twin? Or when they told me he had a calcium deposit in his heart and that he MAY have down syndrome? Or when they told me that I have a heart shaped uterus and this may mean I won't be able to carry my son to term? That makes people uncomfortable.



It REALLY makes people uncomfortable when you call them out on their uncomfortable truth. So I really try and avoid that. Although my brain doesn't avoid it at all. I think about calling people out all the time. Because I.DON'T.GET.IT...or at least my brain doesn't understand why we all can't be honest.

I think when I use the "F" word a minimum of 10 times in one sentence makes some uncomfortable. I kind of, sort of understand this one. But I am so not going to stop.

I have noticed that asking my friends about how they are doing makes them uncomfortable. The question I get back a lot is, "why?" Ummm because I want to know how you are doing that is why. Because I care that is why.

Again, asking others about how their hubby or significant other the older we get makes people uncomfortable too. Most of the time I don't get a real answer. Which leads me to believe they don't want me to think that their relationship isn't what it always was (insert mental photo of them saying their "I Do's"). I know better. I AM married, remember. That's why I am asking. Aren't we supposed to be there for each other? And PS I want you to be happy in your marriage. I want you to have great sex and lots of it. I want your husband/boyfriend to tell you how awesome of a person you are. And I want you to tell me if he isn't doing this. Because maybe just maybe I can help. Or at least lend an ear. And offer cocktails.

You know what makes ME uncomfortable? That I grew up thinking things like religion, politics and abortion were the subjects too taboo to discuss. So I avoid them, for the most part at least. In fact, all of those "taboo" items are funny to me because I don't really care about them at all. I may think you are a bit close-minded if you won't listen to other's opinions, but if your beliefs are different than mine I don't care. In fact, thank God. How boring would life be if we all thought the same way?!

I digressed because I got off on a tangent on the taboo thing (go figure). The REAL taboo, turns out is that every one's truth is uncomfortable. Especially to discuss. Out Loud. And that makes me uncomfortable.

I would rather sit and have coffee and talk about my truth, your truth so help us God than talk about bullshit. Bullshit makes me uncomfortable. The FBI raiding my house does not.

Anyway...I had just been thinking about this. Its nothing personal to anyone in particular. Its just life I guess. I like that I use my voice and that my own experiences don't make me uncomfortable. I appreciate that my family, as dysfunctional as we were/are, allowed me to FEEL and be honest about my feelings.

I like that I am a person that doesn't really care if my life appears perfect to everyone. I think perfect sounds miserable.

I like that my son is a nightmare sometimes. Makes for good conversation as far as I am concerned. Makes me a better mom too.

The only thing that made me uncomfortable about my pregnancy was the weight gain and stretch marks. The other part was very scary. Scarier that I couldn't talk about it without making everyone uncomfortable. I have a healthy son. So the pregancy was just a part of my life story.

And my dad going to jail...well that sucked. His gambling habits caught up with him and he was the fall guy in the midst of many other gamblers. I hate that for him, the jail part. I hate that for my family too and all we went through. But I know all of it happened for a reason. And I know I am who I am because of all of my experiences, including this one. I have chosen (with the help of a fabulous therapist) to enjoy the messiness in life.

Speaking of therapists (insert my own ADD right now)...talking about going to a therapist makes people REAL uncomfortable. By the way, you all should go to one. Its the best gift you will ever give yourself. Believe that!

(and I am back from ADD land) Personally I think we would all be better off if we got a little bit more UNCOMFORTABLE and a little more REAL. But that's just me.

I am so going to get a lot of phone calls after this one. HA!

The Skinny and More...

*Before reading, if you need to get caught up, click HERE to read the original Skinny post.*

NEWSFLASH, I am totally "The Skinny" now...I know, crazy how that happens huh? One day I woke up and I had lost an amount of pounds (overnight mind you) that will remain top secret, oh and I grew 5 inches and now resemble Heidi Klum. Its amazing what I have been missing way down there now that I can see the world from a whole new level (my new height people, stay with me) Regardless, whew was that easy or what! KIDDING, women (and men if you are out there, hello to you too). The Skinny is really not about being SKINNY anyway now is it?!

On a side note, speaking of the above and "miraculous" weight loss...I LOATHE women who do lose weight drastically and when asked they say "I don't know, it just fell off, I swear I am not doing anything different." First of all, if that REALLY is the case, then someone should tell them that they should go see their MD because something is probably wrong with them (I know its hard, cause they are The Skinny and we lose focus but really, losing weight and doing nothing probably equals something wrong). My point is there is ALWAYS something attributed to losing weight "randomly"...a bad break up, "forgetting" to eat (which on a side note I really never thought was possible but did forget to eat a few times during wedding planning for our nuptials because I really was that busy...but as soon as I realized I forgot, not to worry people, I ate something so I am pretty sure a meal was NEVER skipped...bitch get cranky when she's hungry! HA!), a death, deep hidden issues, picking up smoking, sickness (even a cold), etc. All of which is SOMETHING and did attribute to weight loss, so quit LYING people, QUIT LYING because it drives all of us crazy. Bonkers actually.

I was and still am overwhelmed by the response I received from all of you amazing women out there on the original Skinny post. Many of you I actually know in real life so it was interesting to see your take on this as in college we really would have never shared on a subject like this. It was more like "Do I look fat in this?" every.single.night. (oh and if you don't know, I am talking mostly about myself-ha!) I found inspiration in a lot of your words, for myself, for others and most importantly FOR YOU. I really do only share things as personal as The Skinny because I know I am not alone and that my words may inspire, help, comfort another human being going through a similar journey. When you post comments on something as personal as The Skinny I really do believe you are not just talking to me, but to yourself too. I think some of you were trying to convince yourself in one way or another about your Skinny journey...and I have been praying for you. Being honest with yourself about every little feeling you have about life is the best gift you can give to YOU.

My journey with the Skinny has been rather pleasant as a couple of things have happened. I am doing that honest thing (mentioned in the final sentence of the paragraph above-got that? HA!) with myself and really have learned to love who I am right now. I do believe loving that person, namely good old me, exactly how I am in any particular moment of my life may be the single hardest thing of my journey. Oh and people, before you judge that this is super selfish because looks are not that important, I am NOT talking just about my appearance. Loving yourself includes loving your mistakes, forgiving yourself, and moving on to the present. I am my worst critic. So the Skinny for me includes trying to love that girl in the mirror that is hanging out on the INSIDE. :)

I'd love to know if any of you tried the whole looking at yourself naked in the mirror thing...I am still working through that. ITS HARD, don't lie, cause it is.

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And just for good measure (and because my brain is full again)...here are some random thoughts I have had lately:

P-Daddy and I went cruisin into the Caribbean for our 5 year anniversary and since this was the first plane ride I had taken in over 2 years I was AMAZED at the amount of people that carry on their luggage when it is CLEARLY too big for the "overhead compartment." It amazes me because yes, I agree, the airlines making us pay an extra $20 for our luggage seems like a rip off because it was always "included" but people you already paid $200+ dollars for your plane ticket...what is $20?? On that note, I was also amazed at how crappy people are to the flight attendants in general.

I balled my eyes out last week when George died on Grey's Anatomy. Especially when Meredith cried. I ALWAYS cry when Meredith cries...

So JD can get his arms out of the straps of his car seat...and NO it isn't that I don't tighten it enough because I do, believe me. Being on the highway seeing him bent over, half out of his car seat is reason enough to make sure those straps are almost TOO tight (and yes I did pull over and strap him back in, immediately). Doesn't matter though, he pulls down the clip that is supposed to go over his chest and wiggles his way out. I am looking for help and advice here. I have heard of this before and just am wondering if there is a handy dandy device out there to stop this madness. :) Thank you in advance if you know of anything!

I wore a bikini on the cruise. Two pieces, stomach exposed. No one died at the site. You should have been there, it was HOT.

I have discovered in my quests at the gym that I REALLY hate the instructors of spin classes that yell at you and tell you that if you are not winded then you really aren't working out hard enough AND they scream at the class to work harder and don't be lazy. Here is my deal...most likely if you got your butt to a spin class you probably aren't THAT lazy of a person to begin with...oh and while you yell you mean, mean women, I sit and huff and puff and think about blowing your house down.

"How I Met Your Mother" is the best show on television right now, hands down.

If you are not on Facebook, you really should join. Its worth the pure entertainment of your "friends" status updates. Oh and the reason I put friends in quotations is because I have 345 "friends"...lets face it I am a "friend horror" because I just can't say no to people even if we weren't ever REAL friends in college, high school, or even middle school for that matter. But really those people's status updates are my favorite anyway...freaking laugh out loud funny people.

I am not sure there is much better than college football Saturday's where the house is filled with smells of something being made in the crock pot, the sound of the roaring crowd in the background, hoodie sweatshirts and jeans.

I'm in the market for a pair of peep toe black leather heels. Anyone have a favorite pair or brand that they would like to share? And by share I mean tell me what brand they are or where you purchased them, just clarifying! :)

I love fall. A lot of people say this but they also say they LOVE summer too. Nope people, fall is it for me. I could totally bi pass the hot days of summer and live in a bliss of fall every day of my life! :)

I don't care if you put baby in a corner.

JD knows how to take an OREO a part and lick the icing first and then eat the cookie. No one in our house eats Oreos except for him (okay so maybe me sometimes too, but I eat the whole cookie TOGETHER, and nothing but the cookie so help me God) so I find this interesting that he knew how to go for (what most normal people consider) the good stuff first when no one taught him.

I am not perfect nor am I even remotely close. Just throwing that out there. I really hope I don't portray that. I struggle with my relationship with God, my own family, my friends, and as you know my own Skinny.

I am singing in Uncle Badgeman's and R's wedding in 16 days. Oddly I am not nervous...pray for me anyway please.

I saw this verse this morning and think it is lovely:
If your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink. In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head. Do no be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good. Romans: 12: 20-21

The Skinny

I have been thinking again (so watch out), about The Skinny. Or being The Skinny, or The Fat, or The In Between. I need to share my thoughts on this or else. I don't know what the else is but I know I haven't been able to get The Skinny out of my head so I know I need to write or blog or whatever the kids call it these days.


The Skinny on us is we have been busy. I have been absent as a blogger but have enjoyed my sabbatical. We have been here there and everywhere and we aren't slowing down. I love it. We slowed down for way to long. It was time to speed things up a bit...but not speed life up. That is crazy talk. Just have more plans in our lives. In 2009 we are funner.


JD seems to want to grow up, too fast. And everyone told me it would be this way but you don't believe it till you see it and he's doing it right now. Literally, he just grew an inch. Its unbelievable. But you moms out there know I'm not talking about height...its more the discovering that there are boogers in their nose, and plugging their ears when they don't want to listen anymore. That stuff is happening too fast. Can I get an AMEN.

For those of you who only visit this blog to see our family pictures...I shall appease you here:

Our very own Scuba Steve

This one speaks for itself and how cool P-Daddy is

The blushing bride and her dress

We are fun I tell you, weird but fun!

Congratulations Amy and Paul!

Back to the subject at hand... the ACTUAL Skinny, which is more about the real skinny. Being The Skinny. What does that mean anyway? I mean I know The Skinny when I see it, don't get me wrong. On celebrities, and my friends, and everyone else.



I read an old US Weekly the other day while getting a pedicure. It was about Heidi Pratt from the Hills and how she was a bulimic while on the show because of all of the pressure to be thin. She started the show weighing in at 107lbs, she is 5'7. During her bout with an eating disorder (and when she was "coming off of it") she weighed 136 (I think, somewhere around there). By the way, she is still 5'7. I mean really...they considered her "The Overweight" or "The Fat" or (gasp) "The Chubby" ( I HATE that word).



First of all, eventually when I become famous for a reason yet to be determined, hell will literally freeze over before any sort of weight in numbers is ever revealed. I know, its just a number. But REAL Skinny people were reading that article and judging. And then people like me were reading that article and were all "Jesus, I am apparently off my rocker fat." I mean really. 136lbs and 5'7. Really.



I have ALWAYS cared about my weight but I have never been The Skinny, close but no cigar as they say. Like the real Skinny. Whatever that means. Sometimes I obsess about it. Like went on diets as early as middle school, and thought not eating most of freshmen year of college was the way to go. But I have NEVER looked in the mirror and liked what I saw. A body part here and there, maybe, but never liked the whole package. Oprah says we have to love our body as it is now. And Oprah knows everything. No, she doesn't you cult following Oprah weirdo's... but she is onto something there I think.



In my adulthood I have realized something about women. There are those that put them selves together in the morning and like what they see. Even love it. You know those women too I bet. And they are not necessarily The Skinny. In fact, some of them are The Curvy. But they look great. I get jealous because I can see they are COMFORTABLE in their own skin. Maybe more than being The Skinny, that is the goal. The Comfortable.



I realized the other day that I don't remember what it felt like before having JD. Meaning my body. Because it changed...and any woman out there that says that it doesn't is LYING. Even those of you lucky ones that end up SKINNIER, your body still ends up different than before baby. I have worked and worked, and personal trained and sweated and spinned and kick boxed and it is still different. I am not to terms with this yet. But when I realized the other day that I don't even remember what my legs and arms and belly felt and looked like 31 months (I am including the months of pregnancy in there) ago I realized that I may actually look the same/better/whatever to the outside eye as I did then. Or whatever. You catch my drift. But I don't feel it. I mean I can look at pictures, but we all know that looking "back" at pictures is ridiculous anyway, because when they were first taken I looked at them and was all "GOD, I need to lose about 20 pounds." HA! Now I look at those same pictures, get a little sad, and am all "why didn't that girl love herself right then, she was cute."

I know I am stronger, and healthier and more aware than I was 31 months ago. I don't smoke cigarettes, I don't eat like crap (very often anyway), and I drink alcoholic beverages a heck of a lot less. That's all gotta count for something in the calorie counter right? Or the life expectancy any way.

My clothes from pre JD fit. Most of them anyway. The ones that don't button around my milk making machines (yes I just said that) because those decided to stick around even after the milk left. But the clothes look different, feel different. And I wasn't even The Skinny then, back then...this I know.

Oprah says I need to love my body as it is right now. I am trying. Is it weird that I care so much what everyone says behind my back. Not you people who stalk my blog who didn't know me at all ever before. Cause you all only know me now, those pictures I choose to share now. But the ones who stalk my blog that know me from back in the day. They judge. I know it because we all do. I let it get to me. Because they judge silently and they judge publicly. About me, about others. We are all so mean about The Skinny. I know its cause we all want The Skinny. We don't want to be the ONE that loses site of The Skinny and gets The Fat.

My girlfriend (did you see that...I wrote FRIEND) said to me the other day "Its probably hard for you to look back on college pictures because of how you struggle now (with my weight that is)." Just for the record, I struggled then too. And just for the record, I hardly ate in college until senior year when I decided to eff it and then they named a McDonald's value meal after me. I wasn't The Fat, but I was getting there. And anyway, that was mean. But she has issues and I know that. She is jealous of other things in my life and The Skinny is the only thing she can attack right now. Even though she is my friend, and knows that I kick box, and eat right, and personal train, and spin, and and and. Imagine what she says behind my back? Some days I think I need some new friends (not ALL new friends ladies...) but some. They are good people though who have their own issues. And they are most of the time good friends. So I stick with em. Its what my gut tells me. And Oprah (I just chuckled as I wrote this but I have to keep going) says that you should always follow your gut. I promise I am not a cult Oprah weirdo. Just have a fantabulous memory. She has some good ones. We gotta give her that.


I think it is a GIFT, a GIFT I tell you to look at yourself and love you. I want that more than you all or anyone will ever know. And I am trying. I was told recently (by a good non judgemental person) to get all naked and stand in front of a mirror and look at it all and then look at myself in my eyes and say one thing I like about my body and then one thing I like about my person. Try it. Its harder than it sounds. Between you and me I said I like my lips and my ability to help people. My LIPS people. Guess its a start. And I do like my lips. They are full and pretty and don't need lipstick.

I don't attribute my obsession with The Skinny to tabloids or television or movies or models or whatever. I attribute it to the fact that my group of friends at a very young age started to talk, think, and worry about looks. My clothes mattered, my hair mattered, my weight mattered. That probably goes back more to our parents than to any of the other outside factors. I never remember hearing my 5th grade friends (because I believe that is when it started) saying that they wish they looked like "insert celebrity." We were sheltered enough that it wouldn't have entered our minds. We wanted to be as pretty or as skinny as "insert classmate." Maybe everyone was like that. But the world tries to blame it on TEEN magazine, and I am just being real with you that I don't think it played as big of a role.

I definitely told my childhood best friend once that because she was The Skinny as a child she would be The Fat as an adult and because I was The Chubby as a child I would be The Skinny as an adult. I think I was 10 when I said it. I have an awesome memory. I could go into further detail if it was necessary, like what we were wearing and where we were standing, but you don't care about that so I won't. Memories are like pictures burned in my head and that is one that stuck for sure. I was wishing to be The Skinny more on myself more than I was wishing her to be The Fat. She is The Skinny by the way, you know, in her adulthood. And we aren't friends. Maybe cause I was mean about The Skinny, probably more because we have nothing in common though.

My father, everytime I say I was The Fat (or The Chubby rather) as a child, he is all like "that is RIDICULOUS." And I am all like, "then why did you let everyone say that?" But I don't actually say that to him because his memory isn't as good because he has apparently blocked out that he said it too. Which is probably the worst. Probably why I have never made it to The Skinny. Or maybe rather than probably. I don't blame my life or my thoughts or my insecurities on my parents. That would get me a ticket straight to Dr. Phil, or Montel, or one of those other awful trashy televsion people. Cause our drama is television worthy for sure. But I loathe them, the Dr. Phil people of the world and those who go on his show. Weirdo's I tell you. Way weirder than just trying to figure out The Skinny.

I want you to love yourself just as much as I want to love me. Except I could probably look at you and tell you all of the things I think are beautiful about you. Inside and out. It is the inside beauty that counts anyway right. That's not what you talk about behind your friends back though. But they wouldn't be your friend in the first place if they didn't love and support and were fun to be around every once in a while. And my friends think I am nice and fun and kind and funny. I think all of those things too. In fact I could talk all day about how I rock out as a human being on the INSIDE. Maybe even brag a little. Going back to the above, I could tell you none the less about your Skinny and how awesome I think it is for you and how your insides shine out to make you even Skinnier and prettier. In my adulthood I have realized that you tell me too sometimes. When a picture turns out "cute" in your eyes. Or I look "The Skinny" to you.



I have found what sticks more, or I what we all care more about is the NEGATIVE comment, but if its positive we brush it off. For me it is because I don't believe you. You tell me that and then turn your head and tell our other friends that it is sad to you that I work out as much as I do and I still look this way. Whatever way that is, apparently it is not up to your Skinny standards. Whatever that means. So I am trying not to care what you say either way and just love me on my own. You are just trying to find your Skinny too. My skinny, will never be 5'7 and 107 lbs, this I know for sure. But my Skinny is there, already inside of me just waiting to look at my nakedness in the mirror and blow kisses at how awesomely Skinny I am...outside and in. :)

I would love your thoughts on The Skinny. Whatever they are. Even if you are pissed at me because you think I should care more about being a great parent (already do thank you), or a wife (check), or a good driver (perfect record thank you), or, or, or. I still want to hear your thoughts. :) If you don't feel comfortable leaving a comment, email me at rhymeandreason11@gmail.com

{11}

I entitle this post "11" for a number (ha! get it...11/number...I am so funny I know!) of reasons.

First-its {11} on the countdown on my 30 blogs in 30 Days Journey

Second-ELEVEN is my all time favorite number as I was born on November 11th and have always thought that was very cool


Third-(ironically) today is June 11th (Happy 22 month birthday Addy and Lilly)!

So without further a do you shall receive a Mamalouise type of blog today! A selfish blog so to speak. I really have nothing planned (as I normally don't) but think its time to ramble a bit about, well...I guess we shall see.

I have been doing a lot of thinking lately...which can be dangerous. I have been dealing with some part time insomnia which is nothing new in the last 2o or so months but still can be maddening. I have learned to deal with it a little bit and will now just lay in bed and think about whatever it is my brain apparently needs to work out before it lets me go back to sleep.

I think about how I never knew I would be this type of mom. The all "hands on, not working outside of the home, very depended on, doesn't make time for myself very much or very well," type. I was so into me, selfish old me (even while prego) that I never knew. And its been hard the whole quitting of being selfish/not having a job/somewhat losing and then regaining my identity thing. Geez, you people have even read about the hardness that it sometimes is.

However, along this whole 21 month journey I have ALWAYS felt I was exactly where I was supposed to be. I may not have always been comfortable there but always had a comfort of sorts because I was where I was for a reason (yet to be completely figured out).

I have gotten better about saying the word "no." Which is funny because I feel less selfish than I ever have in my life. But maybe saying no to things because I don't want to do them isn't being selfish at all...just smart! But "no" is a fabulous word and all should have it in their vocabulary. And while having it in their vocabulary should not feel bad for saying it. I used to do things all the time that I didn't want to do because I didn't want to hurt someone's feelings, or felt like I had to for one reason or another. Not so much anymore. If I don't want to do it, I don't and don't really care if someone is pissed about it. I used to be a HUGE people pleaser. Now I am just a people pleaser. :)

I sometimes wonder if JD should be our only child. Which was not who I thought I would be as a mom EVER. I originally wanted THREE...then got pregnant and thought there was no way I was going down that road TWO more times, so I said I could have TWO, and then JD came along and, like I said, some days I think we are complete just the way we are. I have friends moving onto baby number two...and the thought of that gives me hives. Itchy hives. That, I fear would make getting an actual babysitter to come to my house and watch my CHILDREN not CHILD a LOT harder...and its already hard. That means I would get even LESS time to myself, and right now I don't even know how that would be humanly possible.

I am more than just a mom, although I love being a mother more than I ever knew I would. Once again, which is why I feel very good in the place I am at right now. But I am more than just a mom. And I don't want to lose that girl, that fun, somewhat free spirited, laugh at her own jokes, have a beer on the porch with you on a Monday night just because, feels really pretty in pajama pants and a tank top (with ratty, unbrushed hair), sings so loud in her car that people shake their head at her at stoplights...that girl. I like her. I like me.

People don't like it when you tell them you like yourself. A lot of people don't like themselves. I have always liked me and I never want to lose that. I haven't always liked all of me, like the body of me. Still struggle with that. So don't call me arrogant. I'm not. People have always seen me as confident though, and I like that. Speaking of that, I used to care a lot more about what others thought about me. That is a curse. Don't do it. Anyway...I don't care at all. And really, I have P-Daddy to thank for that. He has NEVER cared what others thought about him. I admire that. He thinks he's cool even if the rest of the world thinks whatever they want. I think you get a lot further in life this way.

I don't like this stage in my life right now when it comes to friendships. Its a weird time. Some married, some with child/children, some without, some never gonna have children and can't believe we do, some in serious relationships, some single and happy, some single and sad. Regardless I never knew this stage would be so highschooly weird. I watched "Bride Wars" the other night (during P-Daddy's weekend away) and got emotional over the fact that these two girls were so close. I mean despite the drama (ha!). There are many days that I feel very distant from many (sometimes all) of my friends. Part of it is because I feel like for the first time in our friendship I am being true to MYSELF and not just to them (insert the word "no" here...you know to what they think I should be doing for them, with them, etc), and sometimes I blame it on a plethora of things (kids, distance, the weather, you name it). Regardless, its a weird time and I don't like it. I don't care that we aren't all in the same place...wouldn't that be boring if we were? I think so.

I have friends that read this blog that are probably taking what I just said personally. Its nothing I haven't said to any of them though, so whether they like it or not, they know I feel this way. And I am only writing about it because today is a selfish blog day and I am letting myself write whatever I please. :) And that I don't think I/we are alone in this weird time of friendships. Sure...I could probably walk the neighborhood and find mommy friends that stay at home too and we may laugh a bit at the pool this summer...but I would MUCH rather just spend time with my real friends. I don't need all that fluff. I need my friends to be friends.

P-Daddy is my best friend. I also got emotional (translated, cried...or rather sobbed) during "Bride Wars" at how lucky I am (insert I am PMSing and anything somewhat emotional is fair game for tears to shed). So with the weirdness that is 20 somethings friendships it is nice to have a true best friend. I literally have never had a friend like him. Oh people don't think we are perfect...we fight, we disagree, we have our moments. But seriously, no one has ever loved and respected me like him and a girls just gonna tear up about the hugeness of that every once in a while.

I hope you are happy today, just exactly where you are. I hope if you aren't, that you do something about it. I hope you love and are loved. We only get one life, why not live it?