Monday, October 3, 2011
I love when I have a huge project at work and its finally done and someone says they loved it. Because I already loved it but its nice to know that your hard work is working for you.
Or how about when I took my child to the daycare at the gym for the first time in over a year and when I picked him up the babysitter ladies told me what a nice young man he is.
All of that is wonderful hard work paying off. And I love it.
But today I need a little bit of effortless in my life. That sentence probably doesn't make sense. But its what I need so I am keeping it there.
I need a day where I can call my friend and we just talk. We just go get coffee. We don't need a reason. We just exist as friends. Because we like each other.
I need a day where I can leave my house to run an errand or have a little me time and everything is in its place when I return. The kids, the house, the dishes. And I just fall into the couch with my People magazine and watch mindless television and just exist for a moment.
I need a day where I come to work and I put in my day and feel good at the end of it. Accomplished.
I just need some effortless in my life.
I have a case of the Monday's if you can't tell.
And apparently I think its a good reason to blog.
We will see if it turns out to be. HA!
I think this is why I feel this way:
Woke up at 1:30 am, fed baby J.
Put her back to bed at 2:30am
Had to take a half of a Tylenol PM at 3:30 pm because P-Daddy was snoring so bad I couldn't fall back asleep from being woken up at 1:30am
Next thing I know JD is tapping me at 7am
My mom stayed with us last night so her dog is at the house. Throw on clothes (or more clothes-I am not a sexy type sleeper-ha!), get JD bundled, me bundled and we take Pete (the dog) out.
Jacob has tantrum number one of the day because I wouldn't let him put on the leash.
Get the dog in.
Make JD his milk and get him a nutra grain bar
get the dog his food
make myself some coffee
JDs alarm clock starts going off (because he is supposed to sleep until that goes off).
I run upstairs to turn it off and find baby J awake.
Get baby J.
Change her diaper.
Give her Zantac.
Get JD bundled again, get myself bundled and take Pete out to poop
Get JD dressed for school.
P-Daddy is now up and JD goes upstairs to talk to him.
I take this opportunity to pack JD's school bag.
Baby J has pooped.
Change baby J's diaper.
JD is leaving for school with Daddy.
My mom is up now and taking care of Baby J.
I go to the office, boot up my computer and start my work day.
Have first meeting with boss where I am told I didn't turn in my "best work"-probably right.
Doing it over.
Get a text from P-Daddy that JD had a complete meltdown when he was dropped at school
Still on a call/meeting with my boss. And now he is telling me how unhappy he is with other peoples work.
Flip to now where P-Daddy is back home because he doesn't feel good.
Struggling to keep JD down for a nap.
Have EOD meetings that I am preparing for.
Still have unbrushed teeth, pajama bottoms, my shirt I wore yesterday on and haven't brushed my hair.
I have a huge zit on the tip of my nose
I have a huge zit on the side of my nose where a mole is and I am sort of freaking out that something is wrong (just went to the dermatologist and nothing was wrong then of course).
PS-I have been zit free my whole life so this is pissing me off
The lawn needs mowed and P-Daddy is sick-guess who is doing that now?
Finish meetings at 5pm
Make dinner for JD.
Feed Baby J Squash and Rice Cereal
Bath Baby J
Put JD to bed
Feed Baby J last bottle
Put Baby J to bed
Eat something somewhere in there
Go back to work because I didn't have time to complete everything I needed to in the 8 hours I was in the den today
Make bottle for the middle of the night
Make coffee for the morning
Go to bed
*Note: I don't always do all of this. Sometimes P-Daddy wakes up with JD in the morning. And the night routine is normally shared. But not today. And probably not tomorrow. Cause when P-Daddy is sick, he is out and an additional person for me to care for. Doesn't make me love him any less. Just makes it a bit of a harder week for me. All of that was brutally honest and hard for me to type but I am keeping it there.
I realize that something at some point is gonna give. Has gotta give. I don't want it to be me. Lack of sleep can do that to this momma. Lack of sleep and the constant of the above.
And I pause for a moment and think "How in the HELL do the Duggars do it?" And then I laugh at myself for thinking that because its so outlandish but seriously, how do they do it?
On top of all of the above. I.never.stop.thinking.
if JD is in the right school or if I need to send him full time somewhere
if I am in the right job for me
If P-Daddy is happy (with his job, his life, me, sex, you name it)
Shit...if I am happy (with all of the above)
If I am spending enough quality time with Baby J
If I am spending enough time with JD
If I am spending enough time with P-Daddy
If I am spending enough time with me
If my boss is happy with that specific day
And then in the middle of the night I start making mental to-do's for the next day while I am not sleeping
If I am skinny enough for me
How am I going to get skinny
If my mom is happy
If my dads business is going to be okay through this recession
And then if my brother will be okay if the business isn't okay
If P-Daddy's parents are okay and healthy and happy
If my dad is healthy and okay
If I am being a good enough friend
If I am being a good enough sister
If I am good enough
If I work out enough, not for skinniness for healthiness
Then I think about it for the skinniness part
If I tell people my feelings enough
If I tell people my feelings too much
Then I think about what I wish I would have said to that person at work that talked down to me that specific day
Am I being myself
Are we saving enough
I literally could go on and on but I will spare you
and I know I am not alone. Everyone has their own struggles. Facebook is good and bad for me on this front alone. Good because everyone seems to be so honest about their trials and tribulations on their status updates...most of which I find completely trivial and it makes me stop for a moment and be thankful that I am not a skank. Ha. Then bad because I start to feel guilty about all the feelings I have above because my life is so good. And I am not a skank.
Needless to say I made a long overdue appt with the therapist today. Or I at least emailed her. Its time to go and have a good cry on her couch. She is the one person on this planet that doesn't make me feel like my feelings about anything are trivial or bad. And I need that right now. Apparently worse than I thought.
Monday, September 26, 2011
I probably don't.
I am sure I piss off the regular bloggers.
But that's not what this is about now is it.
And JD is FOUR! How did that happen? I am a mother of a child. Not a baby. Oh and speaking of that I have CHILDREN. Not child. Children.
And yet I still act like teenager or 20 something most of the time. Not with the drinking and the smoking. But with my weirdness mostly. And the laughing at my own jokes. And the weirdness.
I can't wait until my kids can really appreciate their parents weirdness. I seem to think they will totally dig it and will be laughing with US and not at us. One can only dream.
And the reason I say "us" is because P-Daddy is just as weird and funny. If not more so. But don't tell him I said that because I like him to think I am the funniest and weirdest one around here.
I like to think that the two new hit shows New Girl and Up All Night are somewhat written about me and my life. I am weird and funny like New girl (just ask me) and up all night is just my life! It just is, OKAY?! :)
So I mentioned this to some of my friends last week but think its definitely worth saying here.
I blogged a lot about how being a SAHM and how it was hard and all that jazz.
Who was I kidding?
Working mom status is the hardest. And I will tell you why. You work and have all of that responsibility and have to be on your A game and all professional and smart cause they don't care if you were Up All Night (see how I worked that in there...told ya) or still smell like spit up and snot...nope. They need you at your best all the time.
And then there is the guilt. The mom guilt that you aren't there every waking second with your children ensuring that they know they are loved and adored and nurtured.
And then there is the pangs that you AREN'T there seeing every little amazing thing that your children do each day.
And then there is laundry, and cooking a HEALTHY dinner and trying to spend time with your husband and time for yourself and then there is your friends. Basically you become a bad friend. I will say it. And then you have guilt about that.
And I don't have to get ready for work. I am pj casual everyday.
And my mom watches our kids.
And every other week I have a cleaning service that changes my sheets and makes my home squeaky clean and beautiful.
And yet its still really hard. Do I sound like I am complaining?
I am not. I like my life (can't you tell?!-HA!). I am happy with the decision to be working.
I am better when I work.
But the moms and dads out there that get up after no sleep and get themselves ready, their kids ready, drop their kids at a daycare somewhere and are at their desk by 8am. Well, they are my new hero's.
I have officially diagnosed myself with a MILD (okay maybe moderate) case of OCD. P-Daddy and I had the whole day to ourselves (basically) yesterday and we both decided to spend the day completely organizing our lives. Relax cause we get no sleep..nahhh! Lets maticulously organize the tool box in the garage (if you are wondering, no it wasn't P-Daddy-it was me), medicine cabinet, and our master bedroom closet. Oh and don't forget loading up three large boxes of kids clothes (tear) for Goodwill.
Or the fact that before P-Daddy and I had a little get-away I labeled all of Baby J's drawers and made the below (which is just one page of the entire binder I left for our precious babies caretakers that weekend).
Not to mention that this month alone I have re-arranged our living room twice. Last month-once.
Apparently OCD is currently how I am dealing with my issues. HA! Better that than Marlboro Ultra Lights right?! Can I get an AMEN?
P-Daddy and I did get away recently to go and watch our great friends get hitched. We made a long weekend out of it and spent some quality time with each other and friends. It was awesome and much needed.
I haven't laughed that hard in a long time.
At other people's jokes that is.
I laugh that hard all the time at my own of course.
We have great friends.
And that's all I got for today.
Wednesday, September 14, 2011
Because I never blog anymore, ever I tried uploading this to Facebook but they got angry at me because of the music I added and deleted it. So...I am trying here. And can't make any promises that I will be back soon! BUT I do miss you blog!
Happy Birthday Jacob!
Wednesday, June 22, 2011
And then I smiled...again
PS-may need a reminder of this face hurting due to smiling so much business very, very soon if Baby J doesn't start to consistently sleep through the night pronto! :)
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
My LITTLE JD.
He was 13 months old on this day and I remember thinking that he was soo big! He didn't really talk until he was 27 months old but yet I look back at these and think about the language he and I had. Its remarkable to me that I stayed at home with JD for over 2 years and for most of that time he couldn't tell me a thing in plain English.
And yet he told me everything.
He really is a little me and P-Daddy all rolled into one. Which can be challenging at times...because, really...who wants to live with themselves? Or a small version of themselves at that? The cute parts of yourself, sure. But the little girl and little boy parts inside of you that are raw and sensitive and humble and outspoken and and AND...well those can be a bit more difficult of course.
And yet even those difficult parts about a 3 year old that is just like you is still beautiful.
I laid in bed the other night while trying to fall asleep and my heart starting to ache. Because he is growing up. He is making friends. Not MY friends children, his own, real life friends. And I am so proud of him.
So proud that when asked which child wants to come up in front of the class to tell a story about an unknown thing he jumps up and can't wait to do it. Turns out it was about a robot. Score.
He does a perfect Robot impression.
But my heart ached because for some reason on this random night of trying to fall asleep I got super in touch with my own childhood. Or could remember things that were painful. Like feeling as though I wasn't good enough or cool enough as the people that surrounded me. Feeling left out, being made fun of. All things that are a part of any childhood.
And yet all things he hasn't had the pleasure of knowing yet.
He is this amazing, beautiful, outspoken little boy and I want him to ALWAYS know this. Something that I feel like all parents lose (including mine) is the perspective of who their child is right at this point in their life. I read recently that our God given talents are there ready to be improved upon at the ripe age of TWO! Its just what our parents decide to do with us that shapes whether or not we really develop those talents.
I want to help shape his God given talents. I don't want to hinder them. I don't want to ever forget who he is right now.
I want him to LOVE who he is always and forever. I want to help him with that journey. Because, as we all know, its not easy to love yourself through thick and thin. But if I could accomplish one thing as a mommy it would be that. To have children who are completely aware of who they are and love that person. Amen-Hallelujah.
Wait for it...
Challenge Accepted! :)
Thursday, May 26, 2011
I realized an obvious factoid the other day when I was oversharing. That no matter how well I overshare (or tell my story), no matter how detailed it is-no one really knows what it feels like/felt like to be me in that or any situation. Simple thought, complex emotion.
Its just a story to anyone I overshare with.
It was/is my life.
Essentially I am telling you so you can hear what it is to walk a mile in my shoes. So you know you aren't alone.
Never before have I thought about it this way and I don't know why. Especially because I am such an oversharer.
Hello-if you have read this blog long enough you KNOW I overshare.
In my hormonal state I think this came to mind because a LOT has happened since I had baby girl. Stuff that may have also happened to other people but that is still so personal that it can only be a story to them and it was my real life.a
Like Open heart surgery for dad.
6 additional days on the ventilator for dad because there were complications.
Dad being 2 and a half hours a way while I had just had surgery to get baby girl out of me.
P-Daddys dad having a procedure done.
Oh and then Dad got married.
So just a lot. And so lots of stories to tell. Lots of people asking questions. Lots of me oversharing.
I don't like secrets. That's another reason I overshare.
The in laws didn't know my dad had been to prison prior to our marriage. I by no means kept it a secret- just never came up in conversation (and why would it I guess...but most of the time I would have made sure that people who are close to me know about this).
So when it DID come up the looks on their faces alone told how they felt. And that's why I don't like secrets. And that's why I overshare.
You can judge. But at least judge with all of the facts.
I think I used to overshare because I was scared of the judging.
Now I overshare because its part of who I am and I like me and I want to help you.
But in realizing that my stories are JUST stories to you I also realized that your stories are just stories to me. And that sometimes in my oversharing I am not LISTENING to you enough. And by you I mean anyone who I have overshared with. So I guess, you.
Lately I have been laying in bed at night thinking of all the things I want to overshare about.
Like my postpartum weight and how breastfeeding didn't really help. And that I don't love myself enough during pregnancy to not gain too much weight.
And like how I already quit breastfeeding and how that whole thing was good, bad, REALLY ugly (like my nipples) at times but so worth it. Even if it was for a short time. And I can't believe the guilt I feel about stopping.
Or the fact that I am looking forward to going back to work and how guilty I feel about that. I am telling you that being a stay-at-home mommy was hard but I think that being a working mom may just be harder. Because of the guilt and the guilt alone.
And how the worst part about getting therapy for yourself is that it makes you look at all the people around you totally different. How transparent they now are because of everything I have learned. And how I just want to shout from the rooftops what a gift it is to learn more about yourself and heal from any wounds you may have from life thus far.
And really, all of that oversharing is just my selfish thoughts that may or may not help you or you or you but they are the ones that I lie in bed at night and think about how I should blog about them.
And so I have.
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
If I am going to get a choice in a celebrity man, I would rather have myself some Matthew McConahay. But thats just me.
So ROB said two things on Oprah that I found very smart that I thought I should share because for whatever reason they have not left my brain since I heard them come from his non dreamy mouth.
The first is a comment he made about his wife, his marriage. He said (not quoting, just generalizing here) that he and his wife try and find things to do TOGETHER not A PART. Sounds simple enough, right? Sounds like what people would DO in a marriage. Or that it would be what comes easy to two people who decided to spend their life TOGETHER right?
I heard this and thought "RIGHT ON BROTHER" and "PREACH IT" because I live in that same sort of marriage. And I was that girl that entered in my marriage thinking that all marriages were ones where the two involved really loved to spend actual time together. That they enjoy. But honestly I have very few friends, acquaintances, co-workers, you name it that enjoy spending time with their significant other. Or maybe enjoy isn't the correct word. Maybe its that when given the opportunity to spend time with someone, the first choice is not their significant other.
So whatever that means.
And they look at me funny when my first choice IS P-Daddy.
My marriage is NOT perfect. Well not perfect to you or if you knew all the ins and outs you would say it wasn't. But I have come to know that its messy perfect to ME and really, that is all that matters. I am happy that when Mr. Rob Lowe said that he would rather spend time with his wife than a part I could smile and know exactly what he was talking about.
Preach it Rob.
I hope people listen to him, on Oprah, in his book...because his wife, lets be honest is not what I would consider "Hollywood perfect" and yet Mr. Bratpack dreaminess thinks she is the most awesome woman ever.
Onto the second point that I think makes Mr. Rob Lowe pretty smart.
He said (and again not quoting) that there comes a time in ones life where feeling youthful becomes work and its a choice that everyone makes a choice to live youthfully or start to live like an old fart. HA! He didn't say the fart part at all...just how I interpreted it. And the context was not botox or looks, it was on a question she asked him about how much energy he has and how excited he seems about life.
That really spoke to me for some reason. Probably because I just had our second child (which sort of makes me feel old), I am close to being 10 years removed from college and I am no longer in my 20's. But the funny thing is I tell my dad all the time that you are only as old as you feel.
And I don't feel OLDER.
I feel great, full of life.
Ready for the journey. Like I always have been.
But I don't ride around in my teal Lebaron convertible anymore singing as loud as I can whenever I want just to clear my head.
And I don't write in my journal like its a person and tell it exactly how I am feeling all of the time about every little thing.
I don't run miles and miles just to feel great anymore either.
I don't walk into a room full of 30 somethings and feel anywhere NEAR as confident as I did when I walked into a room full of 2o somethings in college.
So its a bit MORE work to keep ME full of beautiful LIFE.
Sing it ROB, sing it.
Oh and thanks for telling this to Oprah while I am 30. :)
I might be a wee slap silly with tiredness (I know you are sick of me talking about it but this but this sleeplessness is serious business) but I think Rob Lowe may just be a smart cookie.
Monday, May 2, 2011
Right now I am sitting with JD on the couch, watching "Handy Manny." He is snuggled up to me and his feet are on top of my feet. He is huge. I mean seriously GIANT and I know I won't get opportunities like this with him forever so I am soaking it up.
I was really over all of the Royal Wedding coverage. I mean over it. I just sort of wanted the world to leave William and Kate alone. But turns out I felt their day was lovely. And I liked the short kisses. William doesn't like PDA people. It was cute.
He fell out of his bed at 4am this morning. Loudest thump I have ever heard (or so it seemed at the time). Almost a full year in that bed with no guard rail and he has never fallen out before. Poor thing was so sad. This momma was happy to help him BACK into bed and prayed he would fall back asleep. He did. Thank God.
Baby J is currently fast asleep in her pack n play with us downstairs. Sleeping on her belly, which happens to be her favorite way to sleep. This is unfortunate because unless I am wide awake and able to watch her every move she can't sleep this way. Even though the girl has AMAZING head control. Came out of the womb that way. Everyone in the hospital ooo'd and awww'd about it. I just wish she could sleep the way she likes without me breathing over her neck. Oh because selfishly I would like to sleep while she is sleeping the way she likes.
My left hip hurts like a mother trucker and has since the third trimester of pregnancy. I thought it was the pregnancy but I am worried something got loose in there. I walk with a limp sometimes. Probably not good. Totally forgot to address this issue at my 6 week follow up appointment last week because on that particular day things were feeling quite normal.
And now JD is out on the screened in porch. Mowing. Changing oil on his mower. Filling up the gas tank. Washing his mower. If he could mow in his sleep, he would.
And he is STILL talking about how much he missed us while we were in the hospital with Baby J. He sometimes cries about it. To say he felt abandoned is an UNDERSTATEMENT. He just told me he missed us while we were in the hospital. Came in from the porch, told me, went back to his business. Sad that even while he is busy with his favorite thing in the world, his little brain goes there.
Right before I had baby J I went to get my usual highlights and the gal tried something new and turned my hair ORANGE. I am still reaping the benefits from that disaster. Really awesome when my self confidence was already in the pregnancy dumps and now I have the lovely post baby body. I have had three total hair redo's, so its better but I have a feeling I will be feeling the pain of this mess up for at least a year. I have switched hair dressers.
I am in awe of how wonderful JD is with Baby J. In awe. He is a rowdy, ROWDY boy but when he is dealing with Baby J he is gentle and caring. Its a beautiful thing. And I find it so neat that when he is around she is almost always silent and following him around wherever he goes.
My old job decided they wanted me to return apparently. They sent me an email asking me to re-interview for my old position. I find this EXTREMELY interesting. I graciously told them I was happy with the company I am working with now. It was nice to know that they were interested in having me back. Wish they would have acted like they gave a damn about my work when I was there. Glad my company does now.
Speaking of my company now...they have been so ridiculously generous to our family since Baby J was born. Its humbling to know that these people I call co-workers that I have only met in person ONCE can be so giving and thoughtful.
My dad had open heart surgery to replace a valve 2 weeks after Baby J was born. He is doing okay now but things went very south a day after surgery. To say that I have been stressed is an understatement.
Baby J laughs in her sleep. Might just be one of my favorite things of all time.
I don't remember my dreams being as vivid postpartum with JD. I am having some crazy ones every single night and every single morning I think I should be writing them down.
Speaking of writing things down, I still have yet to write a single word in an actual journal. And yet I think about doing that everyday too.
When JD asked me to turn on a show for him this morning I told him that we really should be watching the news because today is a special day. "Osama Bin Laden was killed" I told him. "Why?" he asked. "Because he hurt our country and tried to make us less safe." "Why?" he asked. "Because he wasn't a nice man." "They schanked him mom?" "Yep JD, the schanked him." Schanked seemed like a less violent way to describe things so I went with that.
I am breastfeeding this time around and feel as though this subject needs a whole blog post. Bottom line: its hard work. Stay tuned.
I am struggling with what in the world to put on Baby J's feet when I put her in a dress. Socks? That seems strange to me. And she is too little for shoes. She has the cutest dresses but I just don't know where to begin with the feet business. Dressing JD was much easier. She has so many accessories and multiple parts to the same outfit. She is wayyyyy more fashionable than me (which I hope to continue for her sake).
My belly button will never be the same I am quite positive. Its back to being an innie but I just don't think its ever going to look right again. Damnit. :)
I wish I had more time to blog because I miss it. There I said it. I miss it.
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
Saturday, March 26, 2011
Here are her stats:
Granbecks (also known as Gaga) holding Julia for the first time
Aunt Ricki holding Julia
Godmom holding Julia for the first time
Uncle VP, our first visitor at home!
Sunday, February 20, 2011
I just don't know. I still have lots and lots to say, don't get this girl wrong...but I am just not able to take the time to sit down and type it out.
I have censored myself too. And I hate that. I think about writing all of my (ahem) profound thoughts and then I think about who reads this and what they will think if I am that brutally honest about whatever subject is running through my head.
Secretly I want to start a secret blog.
The biggest secret is I don't have time to start a secret blog.
I also think that maybe I should just journal again. Maybe that.
But if nothing else I am a confused blogger.
I don't want to be a mommy blogger.
I want to be able to discuss my momminess when I feel necessary but I don't want to be a mommy blogger.
Being a mommy is important and, of course does defines part of who I am. BUT JUST PART PEOPLE.
Here is what I know fo sho:
We are great.
I love my job.
I am approximately 3 weeks from delivering our Baby Girl.
This stage of pregnancy is really hard on my body, mind and soul.
I have fabulous friends from all walks of my life.
I miss the gym.
I am so thankful my mom lives so close.
JD is the light of my life. Our life.
I can't wait for March Madness.
P-Daddy is the LOVE of my life. Seriously people. The Best.
I don't pray enough.
I am scared of my second c-section.
I love getting my nails done.
I may just be over this here blog.
Time shall tell I guess. I am taking 12 weeks off once baby girl is born. You may just get some delirious sleep deprived posts! Now THAT could be entertaining folks!
Monday, January 24, 2011
I look a LOT like my mom, minus her height. I didn't quite get to 5'11...I hang out at 5'5 (on a good day). But if you look back at pictures from when she was my age its a bit scary how much we resemble each other. And I am like her in a lot of ways.
For example, I make my friends mix CD's whenever an opportunity arises to do so. Momism for sure.
I also shop on the sale rack first, wear my heart on my sleeve and feel very comfortable cooking without a recipe.
But as a PARENT, lately I have realized I may just be my dad. I have been told I am "just like your father" several times in my life. Mostly when I am in an angry and stubborn sort of mood. Which paints a bad picture of my dad. He isn't bad just so you know. He does have a temper (not a scary one, just a normal type) and is very stubborn.
I actually love how my dad parented. He was strict but knew when to give a little. He worked really hard to provide for his family, but when he came home he would always play with us or work with us on our sports. In the summer he would find time to coach our teams and come to the pool to swim with us. He had a social life with my mom, for himself, but you knew that we were the most important thing.
I painted a REALLY pretty picture there...we were NOT at ALL a perfect family. He made LOTS of mistakes in his life that affected our family. But now that I am a parent I look back at THOSE things above and really appreciate that I had a dad that was there.
I am like him though in the way of being the strict parent. I am not afraid to yell. I am also not afraid to give lots of hugs and love. I am not afraid to sacrifice everything (even sleep, especially sleep) for my child(ren). I get a little short tempered when JD acts up over and over again. I work hard for their future.
This is just one of those funny little things in life I think. Looking back at your parents and seeing the good and the bad. Trying to figure out your own way but realizing there are things that they did that will be embedded in you forever.
I am glad I make mix CD's and wear my heart on my sleeve. I am also glad that I am able to be strict yet loving.
Which of your parents are you most like?
Sunday, January 9, 2011
So I am literally just going to type what I think. May be a bit jumbled. May be brilliant. We shall see...
Pregnancy with JD was trying. Lots of medical weirdness and complications. Makes the whole process very hard. Made me a nervous nelly. Pretty sure it heightened the level of my control freakness with him when he was born healthy.
Avoided Pregnancy for almost 3 years due to this factoid.
Took me about 3 years to get off all the weight from the FIRST one.
My boobs stayed bigger. Good for P-Daddy, ehhh for me. Big boobs to a girl that never had much makes you feel fatter. But I will say my cleavage is gorgeous now. HA!
First trimester sucks for two reasons.
One-you are tired and feel like crap for 12-14 weeks.
Two-you are cautioned to not tell a soul about being pregnant because the chances of miscarrying your baby is so high.
Which really means there are THREE reasons to not like it because who wants to carry around the burden of the fact that you are pregnant now but for no rhyme or reason in a 12 week time frame you could just "poof"...not be anymore.
First 12 weeks drag for this girl.
When I see two blue lines or "PREGNANT" on a stick...I want to shout it from the roof tops. Such an exciting moment.
Second Trimester is bliss. Even with JD and the ball of stress I was. Baby girl has been much easier overall but the two of them made the second 12 weeks fabulous.
Belly looks like a pregnant person and not just a chub.
You start to feel their little kicks and punches.
You glow a bit.
And you aren't too big that doing anything like sitting down and standing up is a challenge.
The hormones that run through your body during this time frame must be some good stuff (aka they should bottle it-ha!) too because I worry a LOT less during this time frame.
We find out what we are having and get the blessed 20 week ultrasound.
Then you hit (overnight it feels) the third trimester. I feel, especially with this pregnancy that I went to bed one night and woke up the next morning and I was a lot rounder in the belly, it was harder to roll myself out of bed in the morning and baby girl gained at least two pounds.
I start to worry a lot too. If I don't feel her move (and was the same way with JD) for a second (okay probably longer than that) I start to worry that something is wrong.
I start to worry about the delivery and that her cord will be wrapped around her neck 4 times too.
I start to worry about the recovery of another c-section.
I start to worry about weird things like blood clots because of c-sections.
I nest like no other woman has nested. I nest hard.
I start getting so excited about meeting our daughter (our DAUGHTER!) and then get scared in the same breath that something could go wrong.
I don't like third trimester hormones. :)
I worry that each Braxton Hicks is a real contraction (as I don't think I had any real ones with JD) and that I am not paying close enough attention.
Did I mention I nest?
Did I mention everything is already washed, put in its organized place, and ready for her arrival?
Did I mention I am only 29 1/2 (yes I needed to get the half in there) pregnant?
Oh and the nursery is done.
And I am thinking about packing my hospital bag today. No joking around here folks. Move out the way...I am nesting.
Then I look at JD and cherish every moment with him (or at least try to) because his world is going to be rocked soon.
I was the oldest child. I know the responsibility you feel as the oldest. I don't want him to feel that yet (and I know he won't but my adult horomoned out brain is O.C.)
I can't wait to see him as a big brother.
I have loved this time as our family of three though. For us, I am glad we had it this way.
And I do think about and thank God about the fact that we have no troubles getting pregnant. That in itself is a gift.
I have tried to let the weight thing go. I have been conscious about what I ingest (although Christmas time was hard on this front), how much I work out, etc. But I have just tried to appreciate what my body is doing this time.
The deal is that no one can prepare any one gal what this will be like as it is different for everyone. And I like to go into a situation prepared.
The first time around hit me like a ton of bricks as I literally had always envisioned pregnancy as a very blissful time.
I was of course more prepared this time around but it still hasn't ceased to amaze me. It hasn't been blissful but its been niceR
Overall I am trying to cherish pregnancy this time around. Trying to breath, give it to God and enjoy the 9 month ride. I am just at the 7 month part and wish that God had created pregnancy to be 30 weeks instead of 40. :)