Thursday, May 26, 2011

Sharing Time!

I am an oversharer. I overshare. The good, the bad, the ugly. I will share with you. I do it (most of the time) because I am a rescuer by nature. I want to help you. Are you going through something? I bet I have a story that's worse (in my head) or equal that will help. Or I hope it will.
I realized an obvious factoid the other day when I was oversharing. That no matter how well I overshare (or tell my story), no matter how detailed it is-no one really knows what it feels like/felt like to be me in that or any situation. Simple thought, complex emotion.

Its just a story to anyone I overshare with.

It was/is my life.

Essentially I am telling you so you can hear what it is to walk a mile in my shoes. So you know you aren't alone.

Never before have I thought about it this way and I don't know why. Especially because I am such an oversharer.

Hello-if you have read this blog long enough you KNOW I overshare.

In my hormonal state I think this came to mind because a LOT has happened since I had baby girl. Stuff that may have also happened to other people but that is still so personal that it can only be a story to them and it was my real life.a

Like Open heart surgery for dad.

6 additional days on the ventilator for dad because there were complications.

Dad being 2 and a half hours a way while I had just had surgery to get baby girl out of me.

P-Daddys dad having a procedure done.

Hospitals everywhere.

Oh and then Dad got married.

So just a lot. And so lots of stories to tell. Lots of people asking questions. Lots of me oversharing.

I don't like secrets. That's another reason I overshare.

The in laws didn't know my dad had been to prison prior to our marriage. I by no means kept it a secret- just never came up in conversation (and why would it I guess...but most of the time I would have made sure that people who are close to me know about this).

So when it DID come up the looks on their faces alone told how they felt. And that's why I don't like secrets. And that's why I overshare.

You can judge. But at least judge with all of the facts.

I think I used to overshare because I was scared of the judging.

Now I overshare because its part of who I am and I like me and I want to help you.

But in realizing that my stories are JUST stories to you I also realized that your stories are just stories to me. And that sometimes in my oversharing I am not LISTENING to you enough. And by you I mean anyone who I have overshared with. So I guess, you.

Lately I have been laying in bed at night thinking of all the things I want to overshare about.

Like my postpartum weight and how breastfeeding didn't really help. And that I don't love myself enough during pregnancy to not gain too much weight.

And like how I already quit breastfeeding and how that whole thing was good, bad, REALLY ugly (like my nipples) at times but so worth it. Even if it was for a short time. And I can't believe the guilt I feel about stopping.

Or the fact that I am looking forward to going back to work and how guilty I feel about that. I am telling you that being a stay-at-home mommy was hard but I think that being a working mom may just be harder. Because of the guilt and the guilt alone.

And how the worst part about getting therapy for yourself is that it makes you look at all the people around you totally different. How transparent they now are because of everything I have learned. And how I just want to shout from the rooftops what a gift it is to learn more about yourself and heal from any wounds you may have from life thus far.

And really, all of that oversharing is just my selfish thoughts that may or may not help you or you or you but they are the ones that I lie in bed at night and think about how I should blog about them.

And so I have.

Wednesday, May 4, 2011

On why I think Rob Lowe is a Smart Cookie

So I have been totally sucked in to Oprah's FINAL 25 shows...which happened to include the interview of Rob Lowe. Who, by the way, I do not find dreamy at all. Except for his recent cover on Vanity Fair. That was pretty hot. But as a general statement, not so dreamy.

If I am going to get a choice in a celebrity man, I would rather have myself some Matthew McConahay. But thats just me.

But I digress...

So ROB said two things on Oprah that I found very smart that I thought I should share because for whatever reason they have not left my brain since I heard them come from his non dreamy mouth.

The first is a comment he made about his wife, his marriage. He said (not quoting, just generalizing here) that he and his wife try and find things to do TOGETHER not A PART. Sounds simple enough, right? Sounds like what people would DO in a marriage. Or that it would be what comes easy to two people who decided to spend their life TOGETHER right?

I heard this and thought "RIGHT ON BROTHER" and "PREACH IT" because I live in that same sort of marriage. And I was that girl that entered in my marriage thinking that all marriages were ones where the two involved really loved to spend actual time together. That they enjoy. But honestly I have very few friends, acquaintances, co-workers, you name it that enjoy spending time with their significant other. Or maybe enjoy isn't the correct word. Maybe its that when given the opportunity to spend time with someone, the first choice is not their significant other.

So whatever that means.

And they look at me funny when my first choice IS P-Daddy.

My marriage is NOT perfect. Well not perfect to you or if you knew all the ins and outs you would say it wasn't. But I have come to know that its messy perfect to ME and really, that is all that matters. I am happy that when Mr. Rob Lowe said that he would rather spend time with his wife than a part I could smile and know exactly what he was talking about.

Preach it Rob.

I hope people listen to him, on Oprah, in his book...because his wife, lets be honest is not what I would consider "Hollywood perfect" and yet Mr. Bratpack dreaminess thinks she is the most awesome woman ever.

Go him.

Onto the second point that I think makes Mr. Rob Lowe pretty smart.

He said (and again not quoting) that there comes a time in ones life where feeling youthful becomes work and its a choice that everyone makes a choice to live youthfully or start to live like an old fart. HA! He didn't say the fart part at all...just how I interpreted it. And the context was not botox or looks, it was on a question she asked him about how much energy he has and how excited he seems about life.

That really spoke to me for some reason. Probably because I just had our second child (which sort of makes me feel old), I am close to being 10 years removed from college and I am no longer in my 20's. But the funny thing is I tell my dad all the time that you are only as old as you feel.

And I don't feel OLDER.

I feel great, full of life.

Ready for the journey. Like I always have been.

But I don't ride around in my teal Lebaron convertible anymore singing as loud as I can whenever I want just to clear my head.

And I don't write in my journal like its a person and tell it exactly how I am feeling all of the time about every little thing.

I don't run miles and miles just to feel great anymore either.

I don't walk into a room full of 30 somethings and feel anywhere NEAR as confident as I did when I walked into a room full of 2o somethings in college.

So its a bit MORE work to keep ME full of beautiful LIFE.

Sing it ROB, sing it.

Oh and thanks for telling this to Oprah while I am 30. :)

I might be a wee slap silly with tiredness (I know you are sick of me talking about it but this but this sleeplessness is serious business) but I think Rob Lowe may just be a smart cookie.

Monday, May 2, 2011

The Ramblings of This Tired Momma

Today you will get a rare glimpse into exactly how my brain is working right now. Its a bit jumbled and filled with lots of randomness but should be an interesting read! :)

Right now I am sitting with JD on the couch, watching "Handy Manny." He is snuggled up to me and his feet are on top of my feet. He is huge. I mean seriously GIANT and I know I won't get opportunities like this with him forever so I am soaking it up.

I was really over all of the Royal Wedding coverage. I mean over it. I just sort of wanted the world to leave William and Kate alone. But turns out I felt their day was lovely. And I liked the short kisses. William doesn't like PDA people. It was cute.

He fell out of his bed at 4am this morning. Loudest thump I have ever heard (or so it seemed at the time). Almost a full year in that bed with no guard rail and he has never fallen out before. Poor thing was so sad. This momma was happy to help him BACK into bed and prayed he would fall back asleep. He did. Thank God.

Baby J is currently fast asleep in her pack n play with us downstairs. Sleeping on her belly, which happens to be her favorite way to sleep. This is unfortunate because unless I am wide awake and able to watch her every move she can't sleep this way. Even though the girl has AMAZING head control. Came out of the womb that way. Everyone in the hospital ooo'd and awww'd about it. I just wish she could sleep the way she likes without me breathing over her neck. Oh because selfishly I would like to sleep while she is sleeping the way she likes.

My left hip hurts like a mother trucker and has since the third trimester of pregnancy. I thought it was the pregnancy but I am worried something got loose in there. I walk with a limp sometimes. Probably not good. Totally forgot to address this issue at my 6 week follow up appointment last week because on that particular day things were feeling quite normal.

And now JD is out on the screened in porch. Mowing. Changing oil on his mower. Filling up the gas tank. Washing his mower. If he could mow in his sleep, he would.

And he is STILL talking about how much he missed us while we were in the hospital with Baby J. He sometimes cries about it. To say he felt abandoned is an UNDERSTATEMENT. He just told me he missed us while we were in the hospital. Came in from the porch, told me, went back to his business. Sad that even while he is busy with his favorite thing in the world, his little brain goes there.

Right before I had baby J I went to get my usual highlights and the gal tried something new and turned my hair ORANGE. I am still reaping the benefits from that disaster. Really awesome when my self confidence was already in the pregnancy dumps and now I have the lovely post baby body. I have had three total hair redo's, so its better but I have a feeling I will be feeling the pain of this mess up for at least a year. I have switched hair dressers.

I am in awe of how wonderful JD is with Baby J. In awe. He is a rowdy, ROWDY boy but when he is dealing with Baby J he is gentle and caring. Its a beautiful thing. And I find it so neat that when he is around she is almost always silent and following him around wherever he goes.

My old job decided they wanted me to return apparently. They sent me an email asking me to re-interview for my old position. I find this EXTREMELY interesting. I graciously told them I was happy with the company I am working with now. It was nice to know that they were interested in having me back. Wish they would have acted like they gave a damn about my work when I was there. Glad my company does now.

Speaking of my company now...they have been so ridiculously generous to our family since Baby J was born. Its humbling to know that these people I call co-workers that I have only met in person ONCE can be so giving and thoughtful.

My dad had open heart surgery to replace a valve 2 weeks after Baby J was born. He is doing okay now but things went very south a day after surgery. To say that I have been stressed is an understatement.

Baby J laughs in her sleep. Might just be one of my favorite things of all time.

I don't remember my dreams being as vivid postpartum with JD. I am having some crazy ones every single night and every single morning I think I should be writing them down.

Speaking of writing things down, I still have yet to write a single word in an actual journal. And yet I think about doing that everyday too.

When JD asked me to turn on a show for him this morning I told him that we really should be watching the news because today is a special day. "Osama Bin Laden was killed" I told him. "Why?" he asked. "Because he hurt our country and tried to make us less safe." "Why?" he asked. "Because he wasn't a nice man." "They schanked him mom?" "Yep JD, the schanked him." Schanked seemed like a less violent way to describe things so I went with that.

I am breastfeeding this time around and feel as though this subject needs a whole blog post. Bottom line: its hard work. Stay tuned.

I am struggling with what in the world to put on Baby J's feet when I put her in a dress. Socks? That seems strange to me. And she is too little for shoes. She has the cutest dresses but I just don't know where to begin with the feet business. Dressing JD was much easier. She has so many accessories and multiple parts to the same outfit. She is wayyyyy more fashionable than me (which I hope to continue for her sake).

My belly button will never be the same I am quite positive. Its back to being an innie but I just don't think its ever going to look right again. Damnit. :)

I wish I had more time to blog because I miss it. There I said it. I miss it.