Monday, October 3, 2011

Missing a little bit of that "Effortless" thing that used to be a part of my life

I like hard work.  I really do.  I love that feeling I get after I have cleaned my entire house and am sweaty and the house smells good and dinner is in the crock pot and the laundry is done.  I love that. 

I love when I have a huge project at work and its finally done and someone says they loved it.  Because I already loved it but its nice to know that your hard work is working for you.

Or how about when I took my child to the daycare at the gym for the first time in over a year and when I picked him up the babysitter ladies told me what a nice young man he is.

All of that is wonderful hard work paying off.  And I love it.

But today I need a little bit of effortless in my life.  That sentence probably doesn't make sense.  But its what I need so I am keeping it there.

I need a day where I can call my friend and we just talk.  We just go get coffee.  We don't need a reason.  We just exist as friends.  Because we like each other.

I need a day where I can leave my house to run an errand or have a little me time and everything is in its place when I return.  The kids, the house, the dishes.  And I just fall into the couch with my People magazine and watch mindless television and just exist for a moment. 

I need a day where I come to work and I put in my day and feel good at the end of it.  Accomplished.

I just need some effortless in my life.

I have a case of the Monday's if you can't tell.

And apparently I think its a good reason to blog.

We will see if it turns out to be. HA!

I think this is why I feel this way:
Woke up at 1:30 am, fed baby J.
Put her back to bed at 2:30am
Had to take a half of a Tylenol PM at 3:30 pm because P-Daddy was snoring so bad I couldn't fall back asleep from being woken up at 1:30am
Next thing I know JD is tapping me at 7am
My mom stayed with us last night so her dog is at the house.  Throw on clothes (or more clothes-I am not a sexy type sleeper-ha!), get JD bundled, me bundled and we take Pete (the dog) out.
Jacob has tantrum number one of the day because I wouldn't let him put on the leash.
Get the dog in.
Make JD his milk and get him a nutra grain bar
get the dog his food
make myself some coffee
JDs alarm clock starts going off (because he is supposed to sleep until that goes off). 
I run upstairs to turn it off and find baby J awake.
Get baby J. 
Change her diaper.
Give her Zantac. 
Feed her.
Get JD bundled again, get myself bundled and take Pete out to poop
Get JD dressed for school.
P-Daddy is now up and JD goes upstairs to talk to him.
I take this opportunity to pack JD's school bag.
Baby J has pooped. 
Change baby J's diaper.
Its 8:40. 
JD is leaving for school with Daddy.
My mom is up now and taking care of Baby J.
I go to the office, boot up my computer and start my work day.
Have first meeting with boss where I am told I didn't turn in my "best work"-probably right. 
Take notes. 
Doing it over.
Get a text from P-Daddy that JD had a complete meltdown when he was dropped at school
Still on a call/meeting with my boss.  And now he is telling me how unhappy he is with other peoples work.
Flip to now where P-Daddy is back home because he doesn't feel good. 
Struggling to keep JD down for a nap.
Have EOD meetings that I am preparing for.
Still have unbrushed teeth, pajama bottoms, my shirt I wore yesterday on and haven't brushed my hair.
I have a huge zit on the tip of my nose
I have a huge zit on the side of my nose where a mole is and I am sort of freaking out that something is wrong (just went to the dermatologist and nothing was wrong then of course).
PS-I have been zit free my whole life so this is pissing me off
The lawn needs mowed and P-Daddy is sick-guess who is doing that now?
Finish meetings at 5pm
Mow lawn.
Make dinner for JD.
Feed Baby J Squash and Rice Cereal
Bath JD
Bath Baby J
Put JD to bed
Feed Baby J last bottle
Put Baby J to bed
Eat something somewhere in there
Go back to work because I didn't have time to complete everything I needed to in the 8 hours I was in the den today
Make bottle for the middle of the night
Make coffee for the morning
Go to bed

*Note: I don't always do all of this. Sometimes P-Daddy wakes up with JD in the morning.  And the night routine is normally shared.  But not today.  And probably not tomorrow.  Cause when P-Daddy is sick, he is out and an additional person for me to care for.  Doesn't make me love him any less.  Just makes it a bit of a harder week for me.  All of that was brutally honest and hard for me to type but I am keeping it there. 

I realize that something at some point is gonna give.  Has gotta give.  I don't want it to be me.  Lack of sleep can do that to this momma.  Lack of sleep and the constant of the above.

And I pause for a moment and think "How in the HELL do the Duggars do it?"  And then I laugh at myself for thinking that because its so outlandish but seriously, how do they do it?

On top of all of the above.  I.never.stop.thinking.

Thinking about

if JD is in the right school or if I need to send him full time somewhere
if I am in the right job for me
If P-Daddy is happy (with his job, his life, me, sex, you name it)
Shit...if I am happy (with all of the above)
If I am spending enough quality time with Baby J
If I am spending enough time with JD
If I am spending enough time with P-Daddy
If I am spending enough time with me
If my boss is happy with that specific day
And then in the middle of the night I start making mental to-do's for the next day while I am not sleeping
If I am skinny enough for me
How am I going to get skinny
If my mom is happy
If my dads business is going to be okay through this recession
And then if my brother will be okay if the business isn't okay
If P-Daddy's parents are okay and healthy and happy
If my dad is healthy and okay
If I am being a good enough friend
If I am being a good enough sister
If I am good enough
If I work out enough, not for skinniness for healthiness
Then I think about it for the skinniness part
If I tell people my feelings enough
If I tell people my feelings too much
Then I think about what I wish I would have said to that person at work that talked down to me that specific day
Am I being myself
Are we saving enough
I literally could go on and on but I will spare you

and I know I am not alone.  Everyone has their own struggles.  Facebook is good and bad for me on this front alone.  Good because everyone seems to be so honest about their trials and tribulations on their status updates...most of which I find completely trivial and it makes me stop for a moment and be thankful that I am not a skank.  Ha.  Then bad because I start to feel guilty about all the feelings I have above because my life is so good.  And I am not a skank.

Needless to say I made a long overdue appt with the therapist today.  Or I at least emailed her.  Its time to go and have a good cry on her couch.  She is the one person on this planet that doesn't make me feel like my feelings about anything are trivial or bad.  And I need that right now.  Apparently worse than I thought.


Our Happy Married Life... said...

I love you!

Lora said...

You are definitely not alone.

Especially on the new zits thing. WTHeck! I'm 35, why now? why me?

And the Duggars just parentify all their kids and give the older ones responsibilities they are not yet matured for and rob them of their childhood.
No biggie.