Thank you for being a friend...

...travel round the world and back again. Your heart is true, you're a pal and a confidant! And if you threw a party and invited everyone you knew...you would see the biggest gift would be from me and the card attached would say "thank you for being a friend" (da...da da da daaa da da!)...who sang along with me? C'mon, admit it...you loved those old gals as much as I did! For those of you who don't follow...the above is the theme song to the good old "Golden Girls" television show. My girlfriends in college and I decided to name ourselves after each character on that show because for some reason our senior year we became obssessed with them. I was Rose (Betty White's character)...and today you will get a little bit of the Rose in me. :)

If you know me, you know that I am a very open person...a "sharer" per say. And yet I still find myself struggling all the time as to what I want to write in this glorious world of blogging. My brain is always busy thinking of things that I would like to say...but lately I have been talking myself out of a lot of them.

As many of you know I read dooce.com regularly and think she is so freaking great. I am currently reading her first book, "Things I learned about my dad (in therapy)" which is a compilation of blogs and essays that she edited and put into a book. Its AMAZING so I would highly recommend, especially to parents because it hits the nail on the head on a lot of things that all of us have been through...namely when it comes to poop, HA! :)

I have felt driven to one subject lately though and the reason I mentioned dooce above is because she is VERY open about her struggles with EVERYTHING (which is one of the reasons I like her) and I think in turn she helps people. Its kind of a goal in my life to help anyone that comes my way that needs it so here I go with a little more of me...

A year ago I was kind of a hot mess. Not like crazy face mess but I was all KINDS of tired from JD STILL not sleeping through the night (and then resorting to bringing him into bed with us which I would not recommend to ANYONE because you don't sleep in that scenario either). I have always been in control of my feelings and so this hot mess situation threw me and my body for a loop.

I talk about the lack of sleep FIRST because I know that it contributed to what ultimately happened. In fact I would say that it had probably 80% to do with it. I also decided (for the wrong reasons) to sign up to run my FIRST mini marathon right after JD was born. I did train through the insomnia and a newborn but it was about a year ago that the final month of training was here and the stress that surrounded that just about put me over the edge. I also had no help during the days with a baby that refused to nap and at night I felt so guilty asking P-Daddy to help because he worked that I PUT MYSELF in a corner (for the record P-Daddy did help a lot in the nights even when he wasn't asked but somehow I would still end up wide awake stressing out that JD wasn't going to go back to sleep). And I also mean by no help because we don't have family in town and so we didn't have grandparents calling us every five seconds to see if they could come over and play with their newest (and only) grandson. I guess in a roundabout way I am trying to say "I didn't get out much" for about 9 months. Also, as I have mentioned before working was a huge part of my life prior to JD so being in my pajamas, taking no consistent daily shower, and dealing with the reality that is horrific daytime television I kind of started to have an identity crisis.

So...just about one year ago exactly I had a pretty severe anxiety attack (gasp)! HA! I laugh now because I know what it was. It was NOT funny then. I was physically ill, couldn't catch my breath, had sweaty palms like you wouldn't believe, at one point thought I was having a heart attack...I mean this girl was a HOT MESS! I didn't even really know what an anxiety attack was until a very nice doctor at a Med Check told me and sat and listened to me wail about how my life was turned up-side-down and I was sad and confused (insert more wailing). He just sat there and told me that I was completely normal and that I had put WAY too much on my plate and that I would be okay (insert breath a sigh of relief).

In that moment...or really that week of anxiousness I was so scared. I felt really alone (even though P-daddy was UNBELIEVABLE) and really uneasy that for the first time in my life I wasn't in control. I had completely lost what I considered to be control over my own life. I started looking at every aspect of my life and questioning it. Friends, family, work, lack of work...you name it. I started trying to figure out what had put me in the anxiety situation so that I could fix it. All of those things had always contributed to what could be anxiety in someones life. They just never affected me until I had a newborn that wasn't sleeping and so therefore neither was I and for anyone who knows what that feels like...you understand exactly what I mean when I say the words I.WAS.TIRED.

So a year later I am blogging about this...and its because I know I am not the only one that has been there or WILL be there. Lets face the facts people, parenting is HARD work. And its hard from the first day your little one breaths (which is a glorious day). Its different hard for everyone and it effects everyone differently but it does effect us all. And really, no one talks about it...or few do. I felt the same way about pregnancy. Everyone in my ENTIRE freaking life had always referred to pregnancy as a blissful time where you eat whatever you want (you can if you want to end up on the Biggest Loser, but the doctors don't encourage it), you glow (or rather, swell in the most inopportune places), and the belly is just beautiful and FUN (I am not sure that I ever looked at myself in the mirror, bare belly during pregnancy and thought of the words "beautiful"...but the belly was cool because it was actual proof that I had a child growing inside of me).

I tell people the TRUTH when they ask about pregnancy. That its hard...it makes your body morph into something you didn't know it was capable of doing (minus the fabulous looking pregnant women at my gym that spend their entire lives there...and if you are one of those people I don't know how you do it but you do look darn good), that for the first 12 weeks you are going to feel like someone slipped you a sleeping pill 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, and that scheduled c-sections are the best thing to ever happen because you walk yourself to the O.R., get all numbed up but are completely awake, have no labor pains leading up to this and have your beautiful baby in 10 minutes flat! I will also give any other details when asked but those are my basics!

For me the anxiety attack was such a blessing. I did not end up running in that mini marathon, I was forced to take a step back and really look at what was going on in my life and what needed to change, I learned that I HAD to ask for help and that I couldn't do it all and really it made me realize that I am not really in "control" even when I think I am. God is...and P-Daddy and I have put faith as a priority in our lives since that moment...and that is always positive! A lot of changes, good changes.

One big change was that I put myself BACK on my to-do list. I am still on my to-do list. I have always looked at me taking this time to spend with JD as a blessing and that it was a great moment in my life to stop and smell the roses around me. It didn't start out like that, but it is more and more like that everyday (meaning the stopping to smell the roses part). I never thought I would be that "mom" or even "that girl" who would completely get lost in everyone else and forget about herself. I totally did that...and know that many of you out there are either doing that now or have been there too. Gosh its WAY easier to get there than I ever thought. But its also WAY easier to STOP being that way than many of you realize. :)

So this bloggers block has really been surrounding this subject. I really wanted to share but wanted to do so in the "right" way...who the hell knows what the right way is so I threw that out the window this evening and just wrote.

Something I have found in blogging and reading blogs which I believe is important to mention right here, right now is that there are complete strangers in this life that can say the perfect thing you need to hear right at that moment and your real life friends will not have a word to say...they may even turn their cheek. Which is why you get to hear my story...because you would have probably (and may still) had kind words for me when those closest to me had nothing to say...didn't understand (didn't want to bother to understand maybe...who knows). The point is that your GOOD friends don't mean anything by it, they just see you a certain way and probably want to keep it that way. They are still going to be there...but they just can't help you through this crisis (because they may have one of their own). I say this right now because if you need someone here are my words...

1. Quit stalking blogs and start your own! Even if you don't "share" it with anyone and use it for your own personal journal...you will be amazed at how awesome it is! Or if blogging is too scary...start writing in a journal. :)
2. You are not alone...someone out there is going through it now, has been through it before, are worried about going through it, or will go through it soon.
3. No matter what...stay true to yourself. And get help real help if you need real help. If you are just having a rough day, do what it is that you need to do to make that day better (and turn off that horrific thing called daytime television...it will rot your insides). :)

I wish all of you the very best on your journey through life...and am glad you stopped by to see a glimpse into ours.