Long overdue on a good rambling session don't ya think?

OMG I leave for a few months and Blogger goes and changes its interface and its all pretty and new and it makes me feel like I don't belong. HA!

I probably don't. 

I am sure I piss off the regular bloggers. 

But that's not what this is about now is it.

Apparently if you want to be all into FREE social networking you need to be okay with change.  Which is funny because people hate change.  And yet it seems all people are social networking.  Maybe Mark Zuckerberg is single handidly going to change that in the world.  Now that would be an interesting movie.

Can you believe my baby is 6 months old?  I am pretty sure I haven't REALLY blogged since she was an infant.  She is wayy too big.  And wayyy to sweet.  She is the kind of baby that if she was the first born you would for sure have a dozen.  You not me.  But she sure does make it tempting.

Oh but she doesn't really like to sleep.  So excuse me if I misspell words and sort of sound crazy at times through this post.  I am a bit dizzy and delirious most of the time now a days.

Worth it. 

And JD is FOUR!  How did that happen?  I am a mother of a child.  Not a baby.  Oh and speaking of that I have CHILDREN.  Not child.  Children. 

And yet I still act like teenager or 20 something most of the time.  Not with the drinking and the smoking.  But with my weirdness mostly.  And the laughing at my own jokes.  And the weirdness.

I can't wait until my kids can really appreciate their parents weirdness.  I seem to think they will totally dig it and will be laughing with US and not at us.  One can only dream.

And the reason I say "us" is because P-Daddy is just as weird and funny.  If not more so.  But don't tell him I said that because I like him to think I am the funniest and weirdest one around here.

I like to think that the two new hit shows New Girl and Up All Night are somewhat written about me and my life.  I am weird and funny like New girl (just ask me) and up all night is just my life! It just is, OKAY?! :)

So I mentioned this to some of my friends last week but think its definitely worth saying here.

I blogged a lot about how being a SAHM and how it was hard and all that jazz.

Who was I kidding?

Working mom status is the hardest.  And I will tell you why.  You work and have all of that responsibility and have to be on your A game and all professional and smart cause they don't care if you were Up All Night (see how I worked that in there...told ya) or still smell like spit up and snot...nope.  They need you at your best all the time. 

And then there is the guilt.  The mom guilt that you aren't there every waking second with your children ensuring that they know they are loved and adored and nurtured.

And then there is the pangs that you AREN'T there seeing every little amazing thing that your children do each day.

And then there is laundry, and cooking a HEALTHY dinner and trying to spend time with your husband and time for yourself and then there is your friends.  Basically you become a bad friend.  I will say it.  And then you have guilt about that.

And I don't have to get ready for work.  I am pj casual everyday.

And my mom watches our kids.

And every other week I have a cleaning service that changes my sheets and makes my home squeaky clean and beautiful.

And yet its still really hard.  Do I sound like I am complaining?

I am not.  I like my life (can't you tell?!-HA!).  I am happy with the decision to be working.

I am better when I work.

But the moms and dads out there that get up after no sleep and get themselves ready, their kids ready, drop their kids at a daycare somewhere and are at their desk by 8am.  Well, they are my new hero's.

Seriously.

Moving On...

I have officially diagnosed myself with a MILD (okay maybe moderate) case of OCD.  P-Daddy and I had the whole day to ourselves (basically) yesterday and we both decided to spend the day completely organizing our lives.  Relax cause we get no sleep..nahhh!  Lets maticulously organize the tool box in the garage (if you are wondering, no it wasn't P-Daddy-it was me), medicine cabinet, and our master bedroom closet.  Oh and don't forget loading up three large boxes of kids clothes (tear) for Goodwill. 

Or the fact that before P-Daddy and I had a little get-away I labeled all of Baby J's drawers and made the below (which is just one page of the entire binder I left for our precious babies caretakers that weekend). 

Not to mention that this month alone I have re-arranged our living room twice.  Last month-once.

Apparently OCD is currently how I am dealing with my issues.  HA!  Better that than Marlboro Ultra Lights right?!  Can I get an AMEN?

P-Daddy and I did get away recently to go and watch our great friends get hitched.  We made a long weekend out of it and spent some quality time with each other and friends.  It was awesome and much needed.

I haven't laughed that hard in a long time. 

At other people's jokes that is. 

I laugh that hard all the time at my own of course.

We have great friends. 

And that's all I got for today.

Happy 4th Birthday to my Favorite Son!

Because I never blog anymore, ever I tried uploading this to Facebook but they got angry at me because of the music I added and deleted it. So...I am trying here. And can't make any promises that I will be back soon! BUT I do miss you blog!

Happy Birthday Jacob!

If you just smile

I noticed last night as I was laughing out loud at the rerun of Saturday Night Live we had DVR'd that my face hurt. I noticed this the night before too. Hurt like it did when I used to smile for hours through a Madrigal performance back in the day.

And then I smiled...again

Because I realized that my face hurt because I am smiling so much.

How fun is that?

I do have so much to smile about and I know this but knowing you have a lot to smile about and actually smiling about it are two different things people.

And I have been smiling so much, without even realizing it that my face hurts at the end of the day.

So blessed. So freaking, flipping blessed.

Here is a glimpse into my smiles...I hope it makes you smile too! Love my life!

PS-may need a reminder of this face hurting due to smiling so much business very, very soon if Baby J doesn't start to consistently sleep through the night pronto! :)

My Little Boy

For some reason I have been thinking a lot about these pictures...or I guess the day behind these pictures...

My LITTLE JD.

He was 13 months old on this day and I remember thinking that he was soo big! He didn't really talk until he was 27 months old but yet I look back at these and think about the language he and I had. Its remarkable to me that I stayed at home with JD for over 2 years and for most of that time he couldn't tell me a thing in plain English.

And yet he told me everything.

He really is a little me and P-Daddy all rolled into one. Which can be challenging at times...because, really...who wants to live with themselves? Or a small version of themselves at that? The cute parts of yourself, sure. But the little girl and little boy parts inside of you that are raw and sensitive and humble and outspoken and and AND...well those can be a bit more difficult of course.

And yet even those difficult parts about a 3 year old that is just like you is still beautiful.

I laid in bed the other night while trying to fall asleep and my heart starting to ache. Because he is growing up. He is making friends. Not MY friends children, his own, real life friends. And I am so proud of him.

So proud that when asked which child wants to come up in front of the class to tell a story about an unknown thing he jumps up and can't wait to do it. Turns out it was about a robot. Score.

He does a perfect Robot impression.

But my heart ached because for some reason on this random night of trying to fall asleep I got super in touch with my own childhood. Or could remember things that were painful. Like feeling as though I wasn't good enough or cool enough as the people that surrounded me. Feeling left out, being made fun of. All things that are a part of any childhood.

And yet all things he hasn't had the pleasure of knowing yet.

He is this amazing, beautiful, outspoken little boy and I want him to ALWAYS know this. Something that I feel like all parents lose (including mine) is the perspective of who their child is right at this point in their life. I read recently that our God given talents are there ready to be improved upon at the ripe age of TWO! Its just what our parents decide to do with us that shapes whether or not we really develop those talents.

I want to help shape his God given talents. I don't want to hinder them. I don't want to ever forget who he is right now.

I want him to LOVE who he is always and forever. I want to help him with that journey. Because, as we all know, its not easy to love yourself through thick and thin. But if I could accomplish one thing as a mommy it would be that. To have children who are completely aware of who they are and love that person. Amen-Hallelujah.

And so...


Wait for it...

Challenge Accepted! :)

Sharing Time!

I am an oversharer. I overshare. The good, the bad, the ugly. I will share with you. I do it (most of the time) because I am a rescuer by nature. I want to help you. Are you going through something? I bet I have a story that's worse (in my head) or equal that will help. Or I hope it will.
I realized an obvious factoid the other day when I was oversharing. That no matter how well I overshare (or tell my story), no matter how detailed it is-no one really knows what it feels like/felt like to be me in that or any situation. Simple thought, complex emotion.

Its just a story to anyone I overshare with.

It was/is my life.

Essentially I am telling you so you can hear what it is to walk a mile in my shoes. So you know you aren't alone.

Never before have I thought about it this way and I don't know why. Especially because I am such an oversharer.

Hello-if you have read this blog long enough you KNOW I overshare.

In my hormonal state I think this came to mind because a LOT has happened since I had baby girl. Stuff that may have also happened to other people but that is still so personal that it can only be a story to them and it was my real life.a

Like Open heart surgery for dad.

6 additional days on the ventilator for dad because there were complications.

Dad being 2 and a half hours a way while I had just had surgery to get baby girl out of me.

P-Daddys dad having a procedure done.

Hospitals everywhere.

Oh and then Dad got married.

So just a lot. And so lots of stories to tell. Lots of people asking questions. Lots of me oversharing.

I don't like secrets. That's another reason I overshare.

The in laws didn't know my dad had been to prison prior to our marriage. I by no means kept it a secret- just never came up in conversation (and why would it I guess...but most of the time I would have made sure that people who are close to me know about this).

So when it DID come up the looks on their faces alone told how they felt. And that's why I don't like secrets. And that's why I overshare.

You can judge. But at least judge with all of the facts.

I think I used to overshare because I was scared of the judging.

Now I overshare because its part of who I am and I like me and I want to help you.

But in realizing that my stories are JUST stories to you I also realized that your stories are just stories to me. And that sometimes in my oversharing I am not LISTENING to you enough. And by you I mean anyone who I have overshared with. So I guess, you.

Lately I have been laying in bed at night thinking of all the things I want to overshare about.

Like my postpartum weight and how breastfeeding didn't really help. And that I don't love myself enough during pregnancy to not gain too much weight.

And like how I already quit breastfeeding and how that whole thing was good, bad, REALLY ugly (like my nipples) at times but so worth it. Even if it was for a short time. And I can't believe the guilt I feel about stopping.

Or the fact that I am looking forward to going back to work and how guilty I feel about that. I am telling you that being a stay-at-home mommy was hard but I think that being a working mom may just be harder. Because of the guilt and the guilt alone.

And how the worst part about getting therapy for yourself is that it makes you look at all the people around you totally different. How transparent they now are because of everything I have learned. And how I just want to shout from the rooftops what a gift it is to learn more about yourself and heal from any wounds you may have from life thus far.


And really, all of that oversharing is just my selfish thoughts that may or may not help you or you or you but they are the ones that I lie in bed at night and think about how I should blog about them.

And so I have.

On why I think Rob Lowe is a Smart Cookie

So I have been totally sucked in to Oprah's FINAL 25 shows...which happened to include the interview of Rob Lowe. Who, by the way, I do not find dreamy at all. Except for his recent cover on Vanity Fair. That was pretty hot. But as a general statement, not so dreamy.

If I am going to get a choice in a celebrity man, I would rather have myself some Matthew McConahay. But thats just me.

But I digress...

So ROB said two things on Oprah that I found very smart that I thought I should share because for whatever reason they have not left my brain since I heard them come from his non dreamy mouth.

The first is a comment he made about his wife, his marriage. He said (not quoting, just generalizing here) that he and his wife try and find things to do TOGETHER not A PART. Sounds simple enough, right? Sounds like what people would DO in a marriage. Or that it would be what comes easy to two people who decided to spend their life TOGETHER right?

I heard this and thought "RIGHT ON BROTHER" and "PREACH IT" because I live in that same sort of marriage. And I was that girl that entered in my marriage thinking that all marriages were ones where the two involved really loved to spend actual time together. That they enjoy. But honestly I have very few friends, acquaintances, co-workers, you name it that enjoy spending time with their significant other. Or maybe enjoy isn't the correct word. Maybe its that when given the opportunity to spend time with someone, the first choice is not their significant other.

So whatever that means.

And they look at me funny when my first choice IS P-Daddy.

My marriage is NOT perfect. Well not perfect to you or if you knew all the ins and outs you would say it wasn't. But I have come to know that its messy perfect to ME and really, that is all that matters. I am happy that when Mr. Rob Lowe said that he would rather spend time with his wife than a part I could smile and know exactly what he was talking about.

Preach it Rob.

I hope people listen to him, on Oprah, in his book...because his wife, lets be honest is not what I would consider "Hollywood perfect" and yet Mr. Bratpack dreaminess thinks she is the most awesome woman ever.

Go him.

Onto the second point that I think makes Mr. Rob Lowe pretty smart.

He said (and again not quoting) that there comes a time in ones life where feeling youthful becomes work and its a choice that everyone makes a choice to live youthfully or start to live like an old fart. HA! He didn't say the fart part at all...just how I interpreted it. And the context was not botox or looks, it was on a question she asked him about how much energy he has and how excited he seems about life.

That really spoke to me for some reason. Probably because I just had our second child (which sort of makes me feel old), I am close to being 10 years removed from college and I am no longer in my 20's. But the funny thing is I tell my dad all the time that you are only as old as you feel.

And I don't feel OLDER.

I feel great, full of life.

Ready for the journey. Like I always have been.

But I don't ride around in my teal Lebaron convertible anymore singing as loud as I can whenever I want just to clear my head.

And I don't write in my journal like its a person and tell it exactly how I am feeling all of the time about every little thing.

I don't run miles and miles just to feel great anymore either.

I don't walk into a room full of 30 somethings and feel anywhere NEAR as confident as I did when I walked into a room full of 2o somethings in college.

So its a bit MORE work to keep ME full of beautiful LIFE.

Sing it ROB, sing it.

Oh and thanks for telling this to Oprah while I am 30. :)

I might be a wee slap silly with tiredness (I know you are sick of me talking about it but this but this sleeplessness is serious business) but I think Rob Lowe may just be a smart cookie.

The Ramblings of This Tired Momma

Today you will get a rare glimpse into exactly how my brain is working right now. Its a bit jumbled and filled with lots of randomness but should be an interesting read! :)

Right now I am sitting with JD on the couch, watching "Handy Manny." He is snuggled up to me and his feet are on top of my feet. He is huge. I mean seriously GIANT and I know I won't get opportunities like this with him forever so I am soaking it up.

I was really over all of the Royal Wedding coverage. I mean over it. I just sort of wanted the world to leave William and Kate alone. But turns out I felt their day was lovely. And I liked the short kisses. William doesn't like PDA people. It was cute.

He fell out of his bed at 4am this morning. Loudest thump I have ever heard (or so it seemed at the time). Almost a full year in that bed with no guard rail and he has never fallen out before. Poor thing was so sad. This momma was happy to help him BACK into bed and prayed he would fall back asleep. He did. Thank God.

Baby J is currently fast asleep in her pack n play with us downstairs. Sleeping on her belly, which happens to be her favorite way to sleep. This is unfortunate because unless I am wide awake and able to watch her every move she can't sleep this way. Even though the girl has AMAZING head control. Came out of the womb that way. Everyone in the hospital ooo'd and awww'd about it. I just wish she could sleep the way she likes without me breathing over her neck. Oh because selfishly I would like to sleep while she is sleeping the way she likes.

My left hip hurts like a mother trucker and has since the third trimester of pregnancy. I thought it was the pregnancy but I am worried something got loose in there. I walk with a limp sometimes. Probably not good. Totally forgot to address this issue at my 6 week follow up appointment last week because on that particular day things were feeling quite normal.

And now JD is out on the screened in porch. Mowing. Changing oil on his mower. Filling up the gas tank. Washing his mower. If he could mow in his sleep, he would.

And he is STILL talking about how much he missed us while we were in the hospital with Baby J. He sometimes cries about it. To say he felt abandoned is an UNDERSTATEMENT. He just told me he missed us while we were in the hospital. Came in from the porch, told me, went back to his business. Sad that even while he is busy with his favorite thing in the world, his little brain goes there.

Right before I had baby J I went to get my usual highlights and the gal tried something new and turned my hair ORANGE. I am still reaping the benefits from that disaster. Really awesome when my self confidence was already in the pregnancy dumps and now I have the lovely post baby body. I have had three total hair redo's, so its better but I have a feeling I will be feeling the pain of this mess up for at least a year. I have switched hair dressers.



I am in awe of how wonderful JD is with Baby J. In awe. He is a rowdy, ROWDY boy but when he is dealing with Baby J he is gentle and caring. Its a beautiful thing. And I find it so neat that when he is around she is almost always silent and following him around wherever he goes.

My old job decided they wanted me to return apparently. They sent me an email asking me to re-interview for my old position. I find this EXTREMELY interesting. I graciously told them I was happy with the company I am working with now. It was nice to know that they were interested in having me back. Wish they would have acted like they gave a damn about my work when I was there. Glad my company does now.

Speaking of my company now...they have been so ridiculously generous to our family since Baby J was born. Its humbling to know that these people I call co-workers that I have only met in person ONCE can be so giving and thoughtful.

My dad had open heart surgery to replace a valve 2 weeks after Baby J was born. He is doing okay now but things went very south a day after surgery. To say that I have been stressed is an understatement.


Baby J laughs in her sleep. Might just be one of my favorite things of all time.

I don't remember my dreams being as vivid postpartum with JD. I am having some crazy ones every single night and every single morning I think I should be writing them down.

Speaking of writing things down, I still have yet to write a single word in an actual journal. And yet I think about doing that everyday too.



When JD asked me to turn on a show for him this morning I told him that we really should be watching the news because today is a special day. "Osama Bin Laden was killed" I told him. "Why?" he asked. "Because he hurt our country and tried to make us less safe." "Why?" he asked. "Because he wasn't a nice man." "They schanked him mom?" "Yep JD, the schanked him." Schanked seemed like a less violent way to describe things so I went with that.



I am breastfeeding this time around and feel as though this subject needs a whole blog post. Bottom line: its hard work. Stay tuned.



I am struggling with what in the world to put on Baby J's feet when I put her in a dress. Socks? That seems strange to me. And she is too little for shoes. She has the cutest dresses but I just don't know where to begin with the feet business. Dressing JD was much easier. She has so many accessories and multiple parts to the same outfit. She is wayyyyy more fashionable than me (which I hope to continue for her sake).

My belly button will never be the same I am quite positive. Its back to being an innie but I just don't think its ever going to look right again. Damnit. :)



I wish I had more time to blog because I miss it. There I said it. I miss it.