Uncomfortable

I think I tend to make people uncomfortable. With my words. Or my language. Or both.


I am pretty sure that when I stood in front of my sorority on senior night LMAO about how my favorite movie was "Ernest Goes to Jail" because that is my fathers name and he had really been to jail I made people uncomfortable. It was a joke obviously, about that being my favorite movie and all. Its not.


I have definitely called my son a nightmare to friends. The looks were priceless. Again, uncomfortable. I mean really, he can be a nightmare, I can be a nightmare, most of them can be a nightmare too. Why can't I just be honest? Without the looks.


No one really likes it when I am honest about my pregnancy either. You know the part where I bled out something they think may have been JD's twin? Or when they told me he had a calcium deposit in his heart and that he MAY have down syndrome? Or when they told me that I have a heart shaped uterus and this may mean I won't be able to carry my son to term? That makes people uncomfortable.



It REALLY makes people uncomfortable when you call them out on their uncomfortable truth. So I really try and avoid that. Although my brain doesn't avoid it at all. I think about calling people out all the time. Because I.DON'T.GET.IT...or at least my brain doesn't understand why we all can't be honest.

I think when I use the "F" word a minimum of 10 times in one sentence makes some uncomfortable. I kind of, sort of understand this one. But I am so not going to stop.

I have noticed that asking my friends about how they are doing makes them uncomfortable. The question I get back a lot is, "why?" Ummm because I want to know how you are doing that is why. Because I care that is why.

Again, asking others about how their hubby or significant other the older we get makes people uncomfortable too. Most of the time I don't get a real answer. Which leads me to believe they don't want me to think that their relationship isn't what it always was (insert mental photo of them saying their "I Do's"). I know better. I AM married, remember. That's why I am asking. Aren't we supposed to be there for each other? And PS I want you to be happy in your marriage. I want you to have great sex and lots of it. I want your husband/boyfriend to tell you how awesome of a person you are. And I want you to tell me if he isn't doing this. Because maybe just maybe I can help. Or at least lend an ear. And offer cocktails.

You know what makes ME uncomfortable? That I grew up thinking things like religion, politics and abortion were the subjects too taboo to discuss. So I avoid them, for the most part at least. In fact, all of those "taboo" items are funny to me because I don't really care about them at all. I may think you are a bit close-minded if you won't listen to other's opinions, but if your beliefs are different than mine I don't care. In fact, thank God. How boring would life be if we all thought the same way?!

I digressed because I got off on a tangent on the taboo thing (go figure). The REAL taboo, turns out is that every one's truth is uncomfortable. Especially to discuss. Out Loud. And that makes me uncomfortable.

I would rather sit and have coffee and talk about my truth, your truth so help us God than talk about bullshit. Bullshit makes me uncomfortable. The FBI raiding my house does not.

Anyway...I had just been thinking about this. Its nothing personal to anyone in particular. Its just life I guess. I like that I use my voice and that my own experiences don't make me uncomfortable. I appreciate that my family, as dysfunctional as we were/are, allowed me to FEEL and be honest about my feelings.

I like that I am a person that doesn't really care if my life appears perfect to everyone. I think perfect sounds miserable.

I like that my son is a nightmare sometimes. Makes for good conversation as far as I am concerned. Makes me a better mom too.

The only thing that made me uncomfortable about my pregnancy was the weight gain and stretch marks. The other part was very scary. Scarier that I couldn't talk about it without making everyone uncomfortable. I have a healthy son. So the pregancy was just a part of my life story.

And my dad going to jail...well that sucked. His gambling habits caught up with him and he was the fall guy in the midst of many other gamblers. I hate that for him, the jail part. I hate that for my family too and all we went through. But I know all of it happened for a reason. And I know I am who I am because of all of my experiences, including this one. I have chosen (with the help of a fabulous therapist) to enjoy the messiness in life.

Speaking of therapists (insert my own ADD right now)...talking about going to a therapist makes people REAL uncomfortable. By the way, you all should go to one. Its the best gift you will ever give yourself. Believe that!

(and I am back from ADD land) Personally I think we would all be better off if we got a little bit more UNCOMFORTABLE and a little more REAL. But that's just me.

I am so going to get a lot of phone calls after this one. HA!

29

I have been 29 years young for one week and three days so of course I have been thinking a lot about this last year of my twenties. I am not scared of 30, in fact I bring forth the attitude that my 30’s will provide lots and lots of joy…pretty much like my whole life has provided but with age I do believe comes some comfort too. Comfort with me, my body, my mind and my soul.

I couldn’t really let 29 move on by without putting out there in the good old blog world some profound statements (if I do say so myself) of the past, present and future (this includes a few (half) of song lyrics that I feel are also profound…its my blog I can do what I want to…do what I want to). So anyway, here goes nothing…

1.I am a lover of giving but as a mother I have realized I have also become a taker. I probably was a taker before I became a mother but have just come to realize it now. Anyway, I love the giver part. The taker part I am still trying to come to grips with.

2.ANNA NALIK SAID IT BEST WHEN SHE SANG: 2am and I’m still awake writing a song trying if I get it all down on paper its no longer inside of me threatenin the life it belongs to and I feel like I’m naked in front of crowd cause these words on my diary screaming out loud and I know that you’ll use them however you want to

3.If there is one thing I will stand by, fight for, yell about it is keeping music in schools. Music lesson’s are the gifts that keep on giving throughout life.

4.BRUCE HORNSBY SAID IT BEST WHEN HE SANG a man in a silk suit hurries by as he catches the poor old ladies eye and just to be funny says “get a job”….thats just the way it is, some things will never change

5.Being a snob isn’t always a bad thing. It isn’t always good either.

6.The transition into becoming a parent is the most life altering experience one can go through. I wish it on everyone.

7.THE FRAY SAID IT BEST WHEN THEY SANG: I never knew, I never knew that everything was falling through, that everyone I knew was waiting on cue, to turn and run when all I needed was the truth and that’s how its gotta be, its coming down to nothing more than apathy…everyone knows I’m in over my head, over my head with eight seconds left in overtime she’s your mind…she’s on your mind.

8.Friendship is hard in every stage of your life. {Those people who tell you that high school is the hardest and it is all uphill from there are big fat liars (I also think these are the same liars that tell you pregnancy is bliss). I am just going to put it out there that friendship in high school was a piece of cake in comparison to present day. I am hoping this is an area that gets easier in my 30’s but am not holding my breath. Oh and the reason I say its hard is not because its hard to LIKE my friends, nothing silly like that. Its hard because EVERYONE is in a different place at this age and EVERYONE has an opinion about EVERYONE else’s place and what she should, I should, or you should be doing, feeling, saying, wanting. Friends just don’t let friends LIVE and respect that LIFE (kind of like friends don’t let friends drive drunk...but actually different).}

9.THE DIXIE CHICKS SAID IT BEST WHEN THEY SANG… My friends from high school, married their high school boyfriends…moved into houses in the same zip code where their parents lived but I, I could never follow, no I, I could never follow. I hit the highway…in a pink RV with stars on the ceiling, lived like a gypsy, six strong hands on the steering wheel…been a long time gone now maybe someday someday I’m gonna settle down but I always find my way somehow by takin the long way…takin the long way ‘round.

10.Tradition is important. {It makes me feel safe and all warm and cozy inside.}

11.POINT OF GRACE SAID IT BEST WHEN THEY SANG The skies still blue and my hope is anew, you’re my hope, you’re my joy, you’re my dream that’s still alive, with the wind on back and the sun on my face, you are life you’re grace you are BLUE SKIES

12.A Tragic Life is one filled with lies.

13.JODEE MESSINA SAID IT BEST WHEN SHE SANG Do you gonna be a poet, and write…do you wanna be an actor of the light, do you wanna be a soldier and fight for love, do you wanna travel the world, do you wanna be a diver for pearls, or climb a mountain and touch the clouds above, be anyone you want to be bring to life your fantasies but I want something in return….I want you to BURN, burn for me baby, like a candle in my night, I want you to BURN…Are you gonna be a gambler and deal, or are you gonna be a doctor and heal, or go to heaven and touch God’s face…are you gonna be a dreamer who sleeps, are you gonna be a sinner who weeps or an angel under grace.

14.Confidence can be exuded even when you aren’t.

15.JOHN COUGAR MELLENCAMP SAID IT BEST WHEN HE SANG that’s when a smoke was a smoke and grooving was grooving, dancing meant everything...we were young and we were improving…

16.I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again…there is isn’t much better than marrying your best friend {which I have realized EVERYONE says that they married their best friend…but I actually was friends with my husband for 3 years before we dated and having that foundation and background is what I am talking about…don’t get me wrong, I am happy for you and you and you that your husband has become your best friend…but ladies and gents I needed to be clear that we aren’t talking about the same thing. Oh and before you get your panties in a bunch over that statement…please remember, these are MY SELF PROCLAIMED PROFOUND STATEMENTS. I am not Jesus}.

17.RASCALL FLATTS SAID IT BEST WHEN THEY SANG If it couldn’t be then baby how did we get here… Some Say will never get it off the ground, some say we’ll never make it out of town and some day we’ll end up a world apart. Some say we’re a couple of crazy kids, some say that’s exactly what they did, I say you gotta go with your heart…and baby look who we are.

18.Eyebrows are an important asset to your face. Don’t over pluck.

19.STEVEN CURTIS CHAPMAN SAID IT BEST WHEN HE SANG today I watch in silence as people pass me by and strain to see if there is something hidden in their eye, they all look back at me as if to say “life just goes on”…the old familiar story told in different ways make the most of your own journey from the cradle to the grave dream your dreams tomorrow because today “life just must go on”….but theres more to this life, livin and dyin more than just trying to make it through the day, more to this life more than these eyes alone can see and theres more than this life alone can be.

20.Learning to play poker when you are young is important. It teaches you to how to hang with (outwit) the boys early.

21.LADY GAGA SAID IT BEST WHEN SHE SANG I want to hold em like they do in Texas please. Fold em let em hit me raise it baby stay with me.

22.The four year college experience is one like no other. {It is one of the best gifts I (along with the help of my father) gave to myself.}

23.PINK SAID IT BEST WHEN SHE SANG I don’t want to be the laughs the loudest, or the girl that never wants to be alone. I don’t wanna be the girl that has to fill the silence…the quiet scares me cause it screams the truth.

24.Being able to land in San Diego and navigate that city like I would my own home is something wonderful that came out of my youth…because that place and those people are part of who made me who I am today.

25.DAVE MATTHEWS BAND SAID IT BEST WHEN THEY SANG if these walls came crumbling down, fell so hard to make us lose our faith, from what’s left we’d figure it out, still make lemonade taste like a summer day

26.Your name isn’t your identity…but it makes me smile that to some I will always be known as “Jorgenson”, “Michy kid”, or “Mlouise.”

27.LITTLE BIG TOWN SAID IT BEST WHEN THEY SANG I feel no shame I’m proud of where I came from I was born and raised in the boondocks. One thing I know no matter where I go I keep my heart and soul in the boondocks.

28.In theory, a big family would be ideal. In reality, that means I would have to get pregnant a lot. Reality bites sometimes.

29.RYAN ADAMS SAID IT BEST WHEN HE SANG Today is gonna be the day that they’re gonna give it back to you, by now you should’ve somehow realized what you gotta do, I don’t believe that anybody feels the way I do about you now…Bad beat the word is on the street and the fire in your heart is out, I’m sure you’ve heard it all before but you’ve never really had a doubt, I don’t believe that anybody feels the way I do about you now. And all the roads we have to are co-winding (sp?) and all the lights that lead the way are blinding, there are many things that I would like to say to you but I don’t know how…I said maybe, your gonna be the one that saves me, and afterall…you’re my Wonderwall.

AND ONE TO GROW ON: Laughing so hard you pee your pants is something you miss out on in life if you don’t do it at least once.

The Skinny

I have been thinking again (so watch out), about The Skinny. Or being The Skinny, or The Fat, or The In Between. I need to share my thoughts on this or else. I don't know what the else is but I know I haven't been able to get The Skinny out of my head so I know I need to write or blog or whatever the kids call it these days.


The Skinny on us is we have been busy. I have been absent as a blogger but have enjoyed my sabbatical. We have been here there and everywhere and we aren't slowing down. I love it. We slowed down for way to long. It was time to speed things up a bit...but not speed life up. That is crazy talk. Just have more plans in our lives. In 2009 we are funner.


JD seems to want to grow up, too fast. And everyone told me it would be this way but you don't believe it till you see it and he's doing it right now. Literally, he just grew an inch. Its unbelievable. But you moms out there know I'm not talking about height...its more the discovering that there are boogers in their nose, and plugging their ears when they don't want to listen anymore. That stuff is happening too fast. Can I get an AMEN.

For those of you who only visit this blog to see our family pictures...I shall appease you here:

Our very own Scuba Steve

This one speaks for itself and how cool P-Daddy is

The blushing bride and her dress

We are fun I tell you, weird but fun!

Congratulations Amy and Paul!

Back to the subject at hand... the ACTUAL Skinny, which is more about the real skinny. Being The Skinny. What does that mean anyway? I mean I know The Skinny when I see it, don't get me wrong. On celebrities, and my friends, and everyone else.



I read an old US Weekly the other day while getting a pedicure. It was about Heidi Pratt from the Hills and how she was a bulimic while on the show because of all of the pressure to be thin. She started the show weighing in at 107lbs, she is 5'7. During her bout with an eating disorder (and when she was "coming off of it") she weighed 136 (I think, somewhere around there). By the way, she is still 5'7. I mean really...they considered her "The Overweight" or "The Fat" or (gasp) "The Chubby" ( I HATE that word).



First of all, eventually when I become famous for a reason yet to be determined, hell will literally freeze over before any sort of weight in numbers is ever revealed. I know, its just a number. But REAL Skinny people were reading that article and judging. And then people like me were reading that article and were all "Jesus, I am apparently off my rocker fat." I mean really. 136lbs and 5'7. Really.



I have ALWAYS cared about my weight but I have never been The Skinny, close but no cigar as they say. Like the real Skinny. Whatever that means. Sometimes I obsess about it. Like went on diets as early as middle school, and thought not eating most of freshmen year of college was the way to go. But I have NEVER looked in the mirror and liked what I saw. A body part here and there, maybe, but never liked the whole package. Oprah says we have to love our body as it is now. And Oprah knows everything. No, she doesn't you cult following Oprah weirdo's... but she is onto something there I think.



In my adulthood I have realized something about women. There are those that put them selves together in the morning and like what they see. Even love it. You know those women too I bet. And they are not necessarily The Skinny. In fact, some of them are The Curvy. But they look great. I get jealous because I can see they are COMFORTABLE in their own skin. Maybe more than being The Skinny, that is the goal. The Comfortable.



I realized the other day that I don't remember what it felt like before having JD. Meaning my body. Because it changed...and any woman out there that says that it doesn't is LYING. Even those of you lucky ones that end up SKINNIER, your body still ends up different than before baby. I have worked and worked, and personal trained and sweated and spinned and kick boxed and it is still different. I am not to terms with this yet. But when I realized the other day that I don't even remember what my legs and arms and belly felt and looked like 31 months (I am including the months of pregnancy in there) ago I realized that I may actually look the same/better/whatever to the outside eye as I did then. Or whatever. You catch my drift. But I don't feel it. I mean I can look at pictures, but we all know that looking "back" at pictures is ridiculous anyway, because when they were first taken I looked at them and was all "GOD, I need to lose about 20 pounds." HA! Now I look at those same pictures, get a little sad, and am all "why didn't that girl love herself right then, she was cute."

I know I am stronger, and healthier and more aware than I was 31 months ago. I don't smoke cigarettes, I don't eat like crap (very often anyway), and I drink alcoholic beverages a heck of a lot less. That's all gotta count for something in the calorie counter right? Or the life expectancy any way.

My clothes from pre JD fit. Most of them anyway. The ones that don't button around my milk making machines (yes I just said that) because those decided to stick around even after the milk left. But the clothes look different, feel different. And I wasn't even The Skinny then, back then...this I know.

Oprah says I need to love my body as it is right now. I am trying. Is it weird that I care so much what everyone says behind my back. Not you people who stalk my blog who didn't know me at all ever before. Cause you all only know me now, those pictures I choose to share now. But the ones who stalk my blog that know me from back in the day. They judge. I know it because we all do. I let it get to me. Because they judge silently and they judge publicly. About me, about others. We are all so mean about The Skinny. I know its cause we all want The Skinny. We don't want to be the ONE that loses site of The Skinny and gets The Fat.

My girlfriend (did you see that...I wrote FRIEND) said to me the other day "Its probably hard for you to look back on college pictures because of how you struggle now (with my weight that is)." Just for the record, I struggled then too. And just for the record, I hardly ate in college until senior year when I decided to eff it and then they named a McDonald's value meal after me. I wasn't The Fat, but I was getting there. And anyway, that was mean. But she has issues and I know that. She is jealous of other things in my life and The Skinny is the only thing she can attack right now. Even though she is my friend, and knows that I kick box, and eat right, and personal train, and spin, and and and. Imagine what she says behind my back? Some days I think I need some new friends (not ALL new friends ladies...) but some. They are good people though who have their own issues. And they are most of the time good friends. So I stick with em. Its what my gut tells me. And Oprah (I just chuckled as I wrote this but I have to keep going) says that you should always follow your gut. I promise I am not a cult Oprah weirdo. Just have a fantabulous memory. She has some good ones. We gotta give her that.


I think it is a GIFT, a GIFT I tell you to look at yourself and love you. I want that more than you all or anyone will ever know. And I am trying. I was told recently (by a good non judgemental person) to get all naked and stand in front of a mirror and look at it all and then look at myself in my eyes and say one thing I like about my body and then one thing I like about my person. Try it. Its harder than it sounds. Between you and me I said I like my lips and my ability to help people. My LIPS people. Guess its a start. And I do like my lips. They are full and pretty and don't need lipstick.

I don't attribute my obsession with The Skinny to tabloids or television or movies or models or whatever. I attribute it to the fact that my group of friends at a very young age started to talk, think, and worry about looks. My clothes mattered, my hair mattered, my weight mattered. That probably goes back more to our parents than to any of the other outside factors. I never remember hearing my 5th grade friends (because I believe that is when it started) saying that they wish they looked like "insert celebrity." We were sheltered enough that it wouldn't have entered our minds. We wanted to be as pretty or as skinny as "insert classmate." Maybe everyone was like that. But the world tries to blame it on TEEN magazine, and I am just being real with you that I don't think it played as big of a role.

I definitely told my childhood best friend once that because she was The Skinny as a child she would be The Fat as an adult and because I was The Chubby as a child I would be The Skinny as an adult. I think I was 10 when I said it. I have an awesome memory. I could go into further detail if it was necessary, like what we were wearing and where we were standing, but you don't care about that so I won't. Memories are like pictures burned in my head and that is one that stuck for sure. I was wishing to be The Skinny more on myself more than I was wishing her to be The Fat. She is The Skinny by the way, you know, in her adulthood. And we aren't friends. Maybe cause I was mean about The Skinny, probably more because we have nothing in common though.

My father, everytime I say I was The Fat (or The Chubby rather) as a child, he is all like "that is RIDICULOUS." And I am all like, "then why did you let everyone say that?" But I don't actually say that to him because his memory isn't as good because he has apparently blocked out that he said it too. Which is probably the worst. Probably why I have never made it to The Skinny. Or maybe rather than probably. I don't blame my life or my thoughts or my insecurities on my parents. That would get me a ticket straight to Dr. Phil, or Montel, or one of those other awful trashy televsion people. Cause our drama is television worthy for sure. But I loathe them, the Dr. Phil people of the world and those who go on his show. Weirdo's I tell you. Way weirder than just trying to figure out The Skinny.

I want you to love yourself just as much as I want to love me. Except I could probably look at you and tell you all of the things I think are beautiful about you. Inside and out. It is the inside beauty that counts anyway right. That's not what you talk about behind your friends back though. But they wouldn't be your friend in the first place if they didn't love and support and were fun to be around every once in a while. And my friends think I am nice and fun and kind and funny. I think all of those things too. In fact I could talk all day about how I rock out as a human being on the INSIDE. Maybe even brag a little. Going back to the above, I could tell you none the less about your Skinny and how awesome I think it is for you and how your insides shine out to make you even Skinnier and prettier. In my adulthood I have realized that you tell me too sometimes. When a picture turns out "cute" in your eyes. Or I look "The Skinny" to you.



I have found what sticks more, or I what we all care more about is the NEGATIVE comment, but if its positive we brush it off. For me it is because I don't believe you. You tell me that and then turn your head and tell our other friends that it is sad to you that I work out as much as I do and I still look this way. Whatever way that is, apparently it is not up to your Skinny standards. Whatever that means. So I am trying not to care what you say either way and just love me on my own. You are just trying to find your Skinny too. My skinny, will never be 5'7 and 107 lbs, this I know for sure. But my Skinny is there, already inside of me just waiting to look at my nakedness in the mirror and blow kisses at how awesomely Skinny I am...outside and in. :)

I would love your thoughts on The Skinny. Whatever they are. Even if you are pissed at me because you think I should care more about being a great parent (already do thank you), or a wife (check), or a good driver (perfect record thank you), or, or, or. I still want to hear your thoughts. :) If you don't feel comfortable leaving a comment, email me at rhymeandreason11@gmail.com

Learning From Others Mistakes {6}

I told you one of these was a comin so fasten your seat belts...

For whatever reason I have never been ashamed of my family. You are probably thinking...well of course...you neither right? The thing is, there have been instances where most would have been ashamed, embarrassed, etc. I tell these and other stories to you, to my friends because I want to help you learn from others mistakes.

I consider that God gave me this gift, to be able to look at a situation and see it exactly what it is. That doesn't mean I don't get emotional about whatever may be going on at the time, or need a moment (or a year, what have you) to process it...but I DO end up always seeing it for what it is.

You see there is this pattern with women in my family. And I believe God gave me this gift to see things for what they are to STOP this pattern. And yes, I really believe that.

My mom, again is the youngest of 7 children. Two of her sisters moved far far away to California, but one of her sisters stayed in Dvegas. I grew up with this aunt around all the time. She had been divorced, which was really foreign to me as a child. She had introduced my mom to God. She had three children around my moms age from her first marriage and two from her current marriage who were younger but still old enough to be my babysitters. I loved her and I loved her children. I still love her children, and their children, and their children.

I had always been told that her first husband was amazing. But I never met him. I was told if I went to her house after church to not speak to her current husband. Just to leave him alone. He sat in a chair and barked orders. I was scared of him and I followed the instruction to leave him alone.

When I was in middle school my aunt moved in with one of my mother's friends for a stint because he was beating her. That's when I found out. He had always beat her. He was a "southern charmer" (so they say) that wooed her and courted her and told her that life would be better with him, and then evil came out.

I had never seen a bruise on her. But I knew that if she moved out of her own house that it had to be bad. I was angry at him and I told my mother I would never go back to their house again. But a month or so later, she went back. And then I found out she had been "going back" since her kids were babies. There was even an incident from long ago with a gun and my mom and their mom and a car chasing once. And she hid the gun. From a police officer because of the car chasing. He had pulled them over. She HID THE GUN and protected him. And she went back.

Their dad, my grandpa abused them too. Pattern.

She got breast cancer when I was a sophomore in high school. She was a true believer in holistic healing and didn't do chemo right away. Evil moved back to Tennessee (on his apparent huge compound of a farm with his mother) a few years (I think) back. We were relieved. But he found out she had cancer and magically reappeared. He fed her celery juice. He thought chemo was the devil. She believed him. She loved him. I wish she would have loved herself.

There were hospital visits because the cancer got bad and she would do chemo for a bit. Then there was hospice. It had gotten too bad and she was dying. There was, I am sure of it, a lot of conversations in between that time frame. But I know this, she got cancer my sophomore year, and her funeral was on my 16th birthday my junior year. Cancer took her fast. Or maybe it was the celery juice. Or maybe it was that she didn't love herself? Pattern.

He would turn the hospice nurse away and my mom would be called. She was suffering and he was just watching her. My mom could always talk him into letting them in to make her comfortable. My mom still has nightmares about her sister, the shaking, the pain. I never saw her like that and I am glad.

The night she died is interesting. My mom's oldest sister was in town from California to say what was to be her "good bye" to her sister. She had been staying with us for a week and still hadn't mustered up the courage to go see her. They have seen too much in their family. The day my mom and her oldest sister went, my aunt died. Their living brother was there too. The family in shambles for many reasons and my aunt apparently didn't want to die because she was scared of more family fighting after another death. They always fought after death. There was always too much death. My mom, living brother and her oldest sister held hands and all quietly said that they would be fine, to just go be with God. They were lying, but they were sincere. My mom and her oldest sister left and my aunt took her last breath in the arms of living brother. I still can't wrap my brain about the tragedy and beauty that was.

People say there is a lot of beauty in watching someone pass from this life. I don't know that God gave me that gift.

Evil left. We thought he was gone. She was gone=he would be gone forever. She was the only thing tying him to Dvegas. We were WRONG.

A funeral director from Tennessee called the funeral director in town and said Evil was on his way back with a truck full of guns to kill the family and take my aunt with him. I didn't know it at the time, but at the visitation, all of the greeters and "employees" walking around were cops with loaded guns on them. After many tears shed, I left the visitation, and he came. He did have a gun. He did point it at people. His step-daughter lost it and told him to shoot her because he had also ABUSED her. The children, he abused the children too. Evil.

The funeral director calmed him down somehow and he didn't take her. Not yet. We had a funeral the next day. We said our good byes. I was mad at her. I was mad she quit living. I was mad she didn't do chemo. I was mad. I sometimes still find myself being mad. They lied to her. Things weren't okay with the family. She needed to live.

At one point their living brother was arrested for my aunts murder. Evil had called the police and said that living brother had smothered my aunt. My mom bailed him out of jail. The autopsy confirmed this was crap. He loved my aunt. She should have lived.

I met her first husband at her wake. The wake that he put together for his ex-wife. His ex-wife of MANY years. They were right about him. She should have lived.

Evil got permission somehow, someway to take my aunts body, in her coffin to Tennessee in the BACK OF HIS TRUCK. I am laughing now and I always (at a minimum) chuckle every time I get to this part. I mean, honestly people I just picture myself driving down the highway looking over and seeing A FOR REAL coffin in the back of some old beat up pick up truck. I think I would have been creeped out. I may have even called the police because NOTHING seems right about that. Nothing.

She was layed to rest in his backyard. That's right. His backyard on his Tennessee compound.

She deserved better than that. But it was a pattern. She didn't think so or didn't know better. She was a very savvy woman. She had money, he took it. But who cares, she had sense, common sense. Why didn't she see it? Why didn't God give HER my gift? She should have lived.

My parents divorced a year later. I am mad at my aunt because she needed to live.

I told this story for the first time, while very drunk senior year of college to my closest friends. Again, I had never been ashamed and they ALL knew I had an aunt that had been physically abused her whole marriage. But they didn't know the WHOLE story. I think, in its entirety it sounds a bit outlandish and I was afraid of being the girl with the stories or something like that.

This isn't JUST a story...although some of it was seen through my mothers eyes and told to me. This was my aunts real life this is a part of my real life. I wanted my friends to learn from the mistakes of others. I wanted them to know that I loved them. That I love myself enough to never let this happen to me. That I never want this to happen to them. This story opened the flood gates of my life to my friends. They saw me differently. Maybe even understood me better.

Earlier in college there had been a friend where drama had occurred and physical abuse was apparently happening. I told her about my aunt. Because she was apologizing for him. I knew the Pattern. I didn't tell her the WHOLE story because she didn't want to hear the ending, not yet. But she needed to hear that this wouldn't be the only time. I wanted to help her. She wouldn't let me help. That relationship continued (on and off) at a distance from me for the remainder of college. I couldn't watch it, I tried to help her and she wouldn't let me. I walked away. Because I am mad at my aunt. Because she needed to live. I couldn't watch a FRIEND go through that first hand when I knew the ending.

That friend stopped her pattern. She had a happy ending. Without my help. Maybe with my help. I don't care...my friend lived.

Evil died a few years back. My aunts daughters threw a party. I hear it was a great time.

Thank you for being a friend...

...travel round the world and back again. Your heart is true, you're a pal and a confidant! And if you threw a party and invited everyone you knew...you would see the biggest gift would be from me and the card attached would say "thank you for being a friend" (da...da da da daaa da da!)...who sang along with me? C'mon, admit it...you loved those old gals as much as I did! For those of you who don't follow...the above is the theme song to the good old "Golden Girls" television show. My girlfriends in college and I decided to name ourselves after each character on that show because for some reason our senior year we became obssessed with them. I was Rose (Betty White's character)...and today you will get a little bit of the Rose in me. :)

If you know me, you know that I am a very open person...a "sharer" per say. And yet I still find myself struggling all the time as to what I want to write in this glorious world of blogging. My brain is always busy thinking of things that I would like to say...but lately I have been talking myself out of a lot of them.

As many of you know I read dooce.com regularly and think she is so freaking great. I am currently reading her first book, "Things I learned about my dad (in therapy)" which is a compilation of blogs and essays that she edited and put into a book. Its AMAZING so I would highly recommend, especially to parents because it hits the nail on the head on a lot of things that all of us have been through...namely when it comes to poop, HA! :)

I have felt driven to one subject lately though and the reason I mentioned dooce above is because she is VERY open about her struggles with EVERYTHING (which is one of the reasons I like her) and I think in turn she helps people. Its kind of a goal in my life to help anyone that comes my way that needs it so here I go with a little more of me...

A year ago I was kind of a hot mess. Not like crazy face mess but I was all KINDS of tired from JD STILL not sleeping through the night (and then resorting to bringing him into bed with us which I would not recommend to ANYONE because you don't sleep in that scenario either). I have always been in control of my feelings and so this hot mess situation threw me and my body for a loop.

I talk about the lack of sleep FIRST because I know that it contributed to what ultimately happened. In fact I would say that it had probably 80% to do with it. I also decided (for the wrong reasons) to sign up to run my FIRST mini marathon right after JD was born. I did train through the insomnia and a newborn but it was about a year ago that the final month of training was here and the stress that surrounded that just about put me over the edge. I also had no help during the days with a baby that refused to nap and at night I felt so guilty asking P-Daddy to help because he worked that I PUT MYSELF in a corner (for the record P-Daddy did help a lot in the nights even when he wasn't asked but somehow I would still end up wide awake stressing out that JD wasn't going to go back to sleep). And I also mean by no help because we don't have family in town and so we didn't have grandparents calling us every five seconds to see if they could come over and play with their newest (and only) grandson. I guess in a roundabout way I am trying to say "I didn't get out much" for about 9 months. Also, as I have mentioned before working was a huge part of my life prior to JD so being in my pajamas, taking no consistent daily shower, and dealing with the reality that is horrific daytime television I kind of started to have an identity crisis.

So...just about one year ago exactly I had a pretty severe anxiety attack (gasp)! HA! I laugh now because I know what it was. It was NOT funny then. I was physically ill, couldn't catch my breath, had sweaty palms like you wouldn't believe, at one point thought I was having a heart attack...I mean this girl was a HOT MESS! I didn't even really know what an anxiety attack was until a very nice doctor at a Med Check told me and sat and listened to me wail about how my life was turned up-side-down and I was sad and confused (insert more wailing). He just sat there and told me that I was completely normal and that I had put WAY too much on my plate and that I would be okay (insert breath a sigh of relief).

In that moment...or really that week of anxiousness I was so scared. I felt really alone (even though P-daddy was UNBELIEVABLE) and really uneasy that for the first time in my life I wasn't in control. I had completely lost what I considered to be control over my own life. I started looking at every aspect of my life and questioning it. Friends, family, work, lack of work...you name it. I started trying to figure out what had put me in the anxiety situation so that I could fix it. All of those things had always contributed to what could be anxiety in someones life. They just never affected me until I had a newborn that wasn't sleeping and so therefore neither was I and for anyone who knows what that feels like...you understand exactly what I mean when I say the words I.WAS.TIRED.

So a year later I am blogging about this...and its because I know I am not the only one that has been there or WILL be there. Lets face the facts people, parenting is HARD work. And its hard from the first day your little one breaths (which is a glorious day). Its different hard for everyone and it effects everyone differently but it does effect us all. And really, no one talks about it...or few do. I felt the same way about pregnancy. Everyone in my ENTIRE freaking life had always referred to pregnancy as a blissful time where you eat whatever you want (you can if you want to end up on the Biggest Loser, but the doctors don't encourage it), you glow (or rather, swell in the most inopportune places), and the belly is just beautiful and FUN (I am not sure that I ever looked at myself in the mirror, bare belly during pregnancy and thought of the words "beautiful"...but the belly was cool because it was actual proof that I had a child growing inside of me).

I tell people the TRUTH when they ask about pregnancy. That its hard...it makes your body morph into something you didn't know it was capable of doing (minus the fabulous looking pregnant women at my gym that spend their entire lives there...and if you are one of those people I don't know how you do it but you do look darn good), that for the first 12 weeks you are going to feel like someone slipped you a sleeping pill 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, and that scheduled c-sections are the best thing to ever happen because you walk yourself to the O.R., get all numbed up but are completely awake, have no labor pains leading up to this and have your beautiful baby in 10 minutes flat! I will also give any other details when asked but those are my basics!

For me the anxiety attack was such a blessing. I did not end up running in that mini marathon, I was forced to take a step back and really look at what was going on in my life and what needed to change, I learned that I HAD to ask for help and that I couldn't do it all and really it made me realize that I am not really in "control" even when I think I am. God is...and P-Daddy and I have put faith as a priority in our lives since that moment...and that is always positive! A lot of changes, good changes.

One big change was that I put myself BACK on my to-do list. I am still on my to-do list. I have always looked at me taking this time to spend with JD as a blessing and that it was a great moment in my life to stop and smell the roses around me. It didn't start out like that, but it is more and more like that everyday (meaning the stopping to smell the roses part). I never thought I would be that "mom" or even "that girl" who would completely get lost in everyone else and forget about herself. I totally did that...and know that many of you out there are either doing that now or have been there too. Gosh its WAY easier to get there than I ever thought. But its also WAY easier to STOP being that way than many of you realize. :)

So this bloggers block has really been surrounding this subject. I really wanted to share but wanted to do so in the "right" way...who the hell knows what the right way is so I threw that out the window this evening and just wrote.

Something I have found in blogging and reading blogs which I believe is important to mention right here, right now is that there are complete strangers in this life that can say the perfect thing you need to hear right at that moment and your real life friends will not have a word to say...they may even turn their cheek. Which is why you get to hear my story...because you would have probably (and may still) had kind words for me when those closest to me had nothing to say...didn't understand (didn't want to bother to understand maybe...who knows). The point is that your GOOD friends don't mean anything by it, they just see you a certain way and probably want to keep it that way. They are still going to be there...but they just can't help you through this crisis (because they may have one of their own). I say this right now because if you need someone here are my words...

1. Quit stalking blogs and start your own! Even if you don't "share" it with anyone and use it for your own personal journal...you will be amazed at how awesome it is! Or if blogging is too scary...start writing in a journal. :)
2. You are not alone...someone out there is going through it now, has been through it before, are worried about going through it, or will go through it soon.
3. No matter what...stay true to yourself. And get help real help if you need real help. If you are just having a rough day, do what it is that you need to do to make that day better (and turn off that horrific thing called daytime television...it will rot your insides). :)

I wish all of you the very best on your journey through life...and am glad you stopped by to see a glimpse into ours.

Wordy Wednesday

I haven't rambled in a while and thought today, on this dreary rainy Wednesday, I would. :)

Fun times in February! Outside and playing at the playground with mommy (PS-excuse my bad hair day and paleness...i wasn't expecting a spring type photo shoot in mid February!) :)

First off, The Grammys. Amazing. I love all of the artists getting together and singing remixes of each other's songs.

Coldplay. Coldplay. Coldplay. I HEART THEM! I have hearted them for years but they just keep getting better. And then I saw Chris Martin (lead singer) on 60 minutes Sunday night and I fell in love even more. It helps that I heart his wife too (Gweneth...yes we are on a first name basis...I think she may mention me as her Best Friend Forever on Oprah today...ha!)

Carrie Underwood. I used to tear up every time I saw her sing because I just think she is fabulous and SO GOOD! Now I just smile and stare in aww of how good she is! She, Jennifer Hudson, Kelly Clarkson, even Clay Aiken make me believe American Idol really is worth watching (although it is becoming more dramatically painful to sit through).

Justin (we are on a first name basis too...and don't pretend like you don't know who I am talking about). I have to admit that I went to TWO NSYNC concerts while in college. And they both ROCKED! I would do it again for sure. I have yet to see solo artist Justin in concert but it is on my list because he is so dreamy (can I get an AMEN from the ladies out there).

Neil Diamond, a Great American music icon...so glad he showed up and sang for us! Loved it!

That sums up my favorites BUT don't get me wrong...the Grammy's were amazing in every way!

Sad about Chris Brown...I like him.

Ohh...and by the way "Swagger Like Us" (I told you I heart rap)

*****

I haven't been sleeping well lately and it is driving me crazy. I have no problem falling asleep but I wake up about a million times in the night and can't seem to REALLY fall back asleep. Annoying. I am still a ball of energy through the day though which is weird to me because I am normally a girl that needs her slumber. I took Tylenol PM so often towards the end of pregnancy (don't judge the doc said it was safe) that I think I am immune. I took some the other night in the middle of the night because I could not fall back asleep and it made me even more awake than I already was. Sweet.

Maybe I can't sleep because of this :)

I am the girl that can't turn off her brain...but also the one that ends up dreaming weird as heck dreams because of it. The brain activity doesn't normally keep me up. Just a phase I guess (and hope) because being awake in the middle of the night STINKS! I am scared of the dark people and I watch WAY too much 48 Hours Mystery so I get scared.

*****

I never talk about Target but I feel as though I should because it is one of my favorite places. I love the actual place (Super Target though not the "Great Value" variety...cause its NOT the same).

Lets drive this somewhere mom!

Did you know that Target has some of the shortest stocked shelves of all of the "super stores" because they completely cater to women and we ladies aren't normally all that tall. I think that is brilliant. They also only sell 12 packs of pop because it is easier for women to pick them up and we end up purchasing more because of it. I am sure there is more but all of that is so simple yet so great and is probably part of the reason I love to go there.

Don't you just love their commercials too..."ba ba ba ba...this is a brand new day"...just a happy song for a happy store!

Its such a happy place. You should go...especially on a day like today when its rainy and dreary and you need a bright and happy and red place! :)

Okay...we can drive this to Target...if you insist!

But I think we need to get gas first...or do I have gas? Which is it?

*****

I never talk about working out either because I don't find it necessary to do so. Today I will only because I have REALLY been enjoying it lately. Its not that I don't enjoy it normally, but I have REALLY been enjoying it. Which is weird because of the sleep thing.

I used to be a workout-a-holic towards the end of high school and beginning of college. And then I loathed it for many reasons (another day, another blog). Now I really appreciate it in my life again! I'm normally either an all or nothing kind of gal and with this I am trying to find a balance so that it will always be a part of my life. :)

Hey Brody...you are a baby too but smaller...want to play?

P-Daddy and I have had personal trainers since October and we both have really enjoyed it. They have taught us so much about the right thing to do while spending time at the gym and how to maximize our time. I don't want to give mine up...but I won't have to for a while because we signed up for a year! :) But...the reason I bring them up is that today I just found out that my PT was a professional football player! He failed to mention that to me so we will be having words next week. :)

Too many cameras...can't focus...but Brody smiled for the picture! So cute!

I started doing classes at the gym last week and this week which may have something to do with it. Classes are better than the treadmill. Spinning though...I don't know somedays I would take the treadmill over spinning. I do feel so blessed to have the opportunity to go the gym, give JD a little face time with some children his age, and stay healthy because of it!

You can clap your hands? ME TOO! Lets clap together!!

While we are on working out/weight loss (because as women don't they go hand in hand?)...I was forwarded THIS BLOG last night from a friend. If you are a mom of any kind read THIS POST. I think she sums this subject up well (and completely describes how I feel and have felt post baby at times).

Lets talk Brody...I think we should figure out a way to stay babies forever. Our mommies take such good care of us...its just too good to be true! :)

*****

P-Daddy and I are going out with friends on Friday night. By going out I mean a whole group of friends from college and us are getting together at a Butler Basketball Game (Go DAWGS!), then heading out to our old stomping grounds called Broadripple to enjoy some adult beverages.

UncleBadgeman and R are babysitting...and by babysitting I mean the kind where they come over and spend the night so we have no time limit to get home! We've never done this since JD was born so we are excited (and therefore will probably have one too many of those adult beverages and will probably have to bribe our favorite babysitters to stay for a bit on Saturday while we lay around moaning about the bright lights). :)

*****

Last but CERTAINLY not least....(drumroll please.....)

I want to send a BIG HEARTFELT CONGRATS ON THEIR ENGAGEMENT TO....

UNCLE BADGEMAN AND R

YEY for them and YEY for getting my very own Sister (even if she only technically of the "in law" version...still closer to a sister than I have ever been!)

Happy Wordy Wednesday Everyone!

Thoughts...

More often than not I lay in bed at night trying to fall asleep and all I can think about is writing a book (and now sometimes a blog entry). To explain, I have always wanted to write a book about my family. Yes, in many ways we are interesting and dramatic enough to excite readers, but I mostly want to write to help other families get through their not so fun times. So I lay there, and write complete chapters in my head. I have thought about getting up and actually writing/typing something many times but for whatever reason I don't(probably because I am exhausted)...and so here we are.

Women I Come From (hidden behind those smiles is a lot of LOVE and a little bit of dysfunction!)

For whatever reason I feel compelled to blog about my writing block. I think its because I laid in bed last night dreaming up a beautifully written (and wity) blog about my writing block so now I feel as though I need to follow through!

I read all of these wonderful blogs about babies and feel as though I actually know the mother's because of their passion, honesty, and love that comes through in their writing. But most of us (and I include me now because I blog about my baby) don't talk about ourselves. Our rather maybe ourselves before the babies?? I have been thinking a lot about myself before Jacob lately. Realizing how much I have changed in 10 months.

Me, literally 10 months ago

I was not the 4.0 super involved college student. In fact,my friends thought I would be the least succesful of the bunch (nice huh?). Turns out, after a few crappy jobs right out of college, I hit it big and found the job of my dreams (at the time). I worked for a National new home builder as a sales consultant. I LOVED to sell homes. And turns out, when you love something, most of the time you excel. And I did. Then the Marketing and Design Center manager position came available within my company, I applied and got it! And I LOVED this position (at least at first). So I went from being the "least likely to succeed" to becoming a Manager by age 25 (felt pretty good, and again I loved what I did). I think the best way to describe my appreciation for my former job life is that it felt amazing to be a part of something that really helped people (and I love homes!) and that my peers respected my thoughts and opinoins (for the most part, no one has a perfect job life...right?).

My former life

There are definitely days where I miss that life. Believe me when I say that it was the best decision I ever made not to go back there (long story but mostly consists of bad housing market, and Mr. JD being so amazing I just couldn't go back) but still... I have my days. Mostly I miss the independence and the feeling of being accomplished. Its funny too because when any mom or non mom asks me if I had always planned to stay at home I laugh. Because I sincerely didn't plan on this. I planned to be super mom and to be completely fine with dropping my little one off at a daycare facility everyday. Oh how that first baby cry you here can completely change your life.

How could this not change your life? :)

And honestly its not like I don't feel accomplished stay at home with JD. He is my little hero in every way. I couldn't have asked for a happier child who loves to explore and get into everything! And even though I don't like to give myself any credit, some of his advancement probably has to do with me. And for you mother's out there that are working and wish to be at home, please don't think that I take this for granted. I enjoy every moment and am thankful that I got the choice. But some days I wish to be you too (the grass is always greener, right?)

This picture really sums up our little man (our happy mover!)

Its just been a funny couple of years, pregnancy to motherhood. I can't say that I would change anything about these years because they have been great, just different. I know there is a lot more "different" to come and am excited about it. I guess the point of this was for me to not just sit in bed at night and think about writing something, but actually doing it! And also maybe an inspiration to all of you moms out there to focus on yourself for a blog or two. Remember behind every amazing baby is an even more amazing mom!

You will probably get these random thoughts from me from time to time (just as a heads up) Who knows...I may even share some of my ridiculous family stories with you from time to time. :)