Missing a little bit of that "Effortless" thing that used to be a part of my life

I like hard work.  I really do.  I love that feeling I get after I have cleaned my entire house and am sweaty and the house smells good and dinner is in the crock pot and the laundry is done.  I love that. 

I love when I have a huge project at work and its finally done and someone says they loved it.  Because I already loved it but its nice to know that your hard work is working for you.

Or how about when I took my child to the daycare at the gym for the first time in over a year and when I picked him up the babysitter ladies told me what a nice young man he is.

All of that is wonderful hard work paying off.  And I love it.

But today I need a little bit of effortless in my life.  That sentence probably doesn't make sense.  But its what I need so I am keeping it there.

I need a day where I can call my friend and we just talk.  We just go get coffee.  We don't need a reason.  We just exist as friends.  Because we like each other.

I need a day where I can leave my house to run an errand or have a little me time and everything is in its place when I return.  The kids, the house, the dishes.  And I just fall into the couch with my People magazine and watch mindless television and just exist for a moment. 

I need a day where I come to work and I put in my day and feel good at the end of it.  Accomplished.

I just need some effortless in my life.

I have a case of the Monday's if you can't tell.

And apparently I think its a good reason to blog.

We will see if it turns out to be. HA!

I think this is why I feel this way:
Woke up at 1:30 am, fed baby J.
Put her back to bed at 2:30am
Had to take a half of a Tylenol PM at 3:30 pm because P-Daddy was snoring so bad I couldn't fall back asleep from being woken up at 1:30am
Next thing I know JD is tapping me at 7am
My mom stayed with us last night so her dog is at the house.  Throw on clothes (or more clothes-I am not a sexy type sleeper-ha!), get JD bundled, me bundled and we take Pete (the dog) out.
Jacob has tantrum number one of the day because I wouldn't let him put on the leash.
Get the dog in.
Make JD his milk and get him a nutra grain bar
get the dog his food
make myself some coffee
JDs alarm clock starts going off (because he is supposed to sleep until that goes off). 
I run upstairs to turn it off and find baby J awake.
Get baby J. 
Change her diaper.
Give her Zantac. 
Feed her.
Get JD bundled again, get myself bundled and take Pete out to poop
Get JD dressed for school.
P-Daddy is now up and JD goes upstairs to talk to him.
I take this opportunity to pack JD's school bag.
Baby J has pooped. 
Change baby J's diaper.
Its 8:40. 
JD is leaving for school with Daddy.
My mom is up now and taking care of Baby J.
I go to the office, boot up my computer and start my work day.
Have first meeting with boss where I am told I didn't turn in my "best work"-probably right. 
Take notes. 
Doing it over.
Get a text from P-Daddy that JD had a complete meltdown when he was dropped at school
Still on a call/meeting with my boss.  And now he is telling me how unhappy he is with other peoples work.
Flip to now where P-Daddy is back home because he doesn't feel good. 
Struggling to keep JD down for a nap.
Have EOD meetings that I am preparing for.
Still have unbrushed teeth, pajama bottoms, my shirt I wore yesterday on and haven't brushed my hair.
I have a huge zit on the tip of my nose
I have a huge zit on the side of my nose where a mole is and I am sort of freaking out that something is wrong (just went to the dermatologist and nothing was wrong then of course).
PS-I have been zit free my whole life so this is pissing me off
The lawn needs mowed and P-Daddy is sick-guess who is doing that now?
Finish meetings at 5pm
Mow lawn.
Make dinner for JD.
Feed Baby J Squash and Rice Cereal
Bath JD
Bath Baby J
Put JD to bed
Feed Baby J last bottle
Put Baby J to bed
Eat something somewhere in there
Go back to work because I didn't have time to complete everything I needed to in the 8 hours I was in the den today
Make bottle for the middle of the night
Make coffee for the morning
Go to bed

*Note: I don't always do all of this. Sometimes P-Daddy wakes up with JD in the morning.  And the night routine is normally shared.  But not today.  And probably not tomorrow.  Cause when P-Daddy is sick, he is out and an additional person for me to care for.  Doesn't make me love him any less.  Just makes it a bit of a harder week for me.  All of that was brutally honest and hard for me to type but I am keeping it there. 

I realize that something at some point is gonna give.  Has gotta give.  I don't want it to be me.  Lack of sleep can do that to this momma.  Lack of sleep and the constant of the above.

And I pause for a moment and think "How in the HELL do the Duggars do it?"  And then I laugh at myself for thinking that because its so outlandish but seriously, how do they do it?

On top of all of the above.  I.never.stop.thinking.

Thinking about

if JD is in the right school or if I need to send him full time somewhere
if I am in the right job for me
If P-Daddy is happy (with his job, his life, me, sex, you name it)
Shit...if I am happy (with all of the above)
If I am spending enough quality time with Baby J
If I am spending enough time with JD
If I am spending enough time with P-Daddy
If I am spending enough time with me
If my boss is happy with that specific day
And then in the middle of the night I start making mental to-do's for the next day while I am not sleeping
If I am skinny enough for me
How am I going to get skinny
If my mom is happy
If my dads business is going to be okay through this recession
And then if my brother will be okay if the business isn't okay
If P-Daddy's parents are okay and healthy and happy
If my dad is healthy and okay
If I am being a good enough friend
If I am being a good enough sister
If I am good enough
If I work out enough, not for skinniness for healthiness
Then I think about it for the skinniness part
If I tell people my feelings enough
If I tell people my feelings too much
Then I think about what I wish I would have said to that person at work that talked down to me that specific day
Am I being myself
Are we saving enough
I literally could go on and on but I will spare you

and I know I am not alone.  Everyone has their own struggles.  Facebook is good and bad for me on this front alone.  Good because everyone seems to be so honest about their trials and tribulations on their status updates...most of which I find completely trivial and it makes me stop for a moment and be thankful that I am not a skank.  Ha.  Then bad because I start to feel guilty about all the feelings I have above because my life is so good.  And I am not a skank.

Needless to say I made a long overdue appt with the therapist today.  Or I at least emailed her.  Its time to go and have a good cry on her couch.  She is the one person on this planet that doesn't make me feel like my feelings about anything are trivial or bad.  And I need that right now.  Apparently worse than I thought.

Long overdue on a good rambling session don't ya think?

OMG I leave for a few months and Blogger goes and changes its interface and its all pretty and new and it makes me feel like I don't belong. HA!

I probably don't. 

I am sure I piss off the regular bloggers. 

But that's not what this is about now is it.

Apparently if you want to be all into FREE social networking you need to be okay with change.  Which is funny because people hate change.  And yet it seems all people are social networking.  Maybe Mark Zuckerberg is single handidly going to change that in the world.  Now that would be an interesting movie.

Can you believe my baby is 6 months old?  I am pretty sure I haven't REALLY blogged since she was an infant.  She is wayy too big.  And wayyy to sweet.  She is the kind of baby that if she was the first born you would for sure have a dozen.  You not me.  But she sure does make it tempting.

Oh but she doesn't really like to sleep.  So excuse me if I misspell words and sort of sound crazy at times through this post.  I am a bit dizzy and delirious most of the time now a days.

Worth it. 

And JD is FOUR!  How did that happen?  I am a mother of a child.  Not a baby.  Oh and speaking of that I have CHILDREN.  Not child.  Children. 

And yet I still act like teenager or 20 something most of the time.  Not with the drinking and the smoking.  But with my weirdness mostly.  And the laughing at my own jokes.  And the weirdness.

I can't wait until my kids can really appreciate their parents weirdness.  I seem to think they will totally dig it and will be laughing with US and not at us.  One can only dream.

And the reason I say "us" is because P-Daddy is just as weird and funny.  If not more so.  But don't tell him I said that because I like him to think I am the funniest and weirdest one around here.

I like to think that the two new hit shows New Girl and Up All Night are somewhat written about me and my life.  I am weird and funny like New girl (just ask me) and up all night is just my life! It just is, OKAY?! :)

So I mentioned this to some of my friends last week but think its definitely worth saying here.

I blogged a lot about how being a SAHM and how it was hard and all that jazz.

Who was I kidding?

Working mom status is the hardest.  And I will tell you why.  You work and have all of that responsibility and have to be on your A game and all professional and smart cause they don't care if you were Up All Night (see how I worked that in there...told ya) or still smell like spit up and snot...nope.  They need you at your best all the time. 

And then there is the guilt.  The mom guilt that you aren't there every waking second with your children ensuring that they know they are loved and adored and nurtured.

And then there is the pangs that you AREN'T there seeing every little amazing thing that your children do each day.

And then there is laundry, and cooking a HEALTHY dinner and trying to spend time with your husband and time for yourself and then there is your friends.  Basically you become a bad friend.  I will say it.  And then you have guilt about that.

And I don't have to get ready for work.  I am pj casual everyday.

And my mom watches our kids.

And every other week I have a cleaning service that changes my sheets and makes my home squeaky clean and beautiful.

And yet its still really hard.  Do I sound like I am complaining?

I am not.  I like my life (can't you tell?!-HA!).  I am happy with the decision to be working.

I am better when I work.

But the moms and dads out there that get up after no sleep and get themselves ready, their kids ready, drop their kids at a daycare somewhere and are at their desk by 8am.  Well, they are my new hero's.

Seriously.

Moving On...

I have officially diagnosed myself with a MILD (okay maybe moderate) case of OCD.  P-Daddy and I had the whole day to ourselves (basically) yesterday and we both decided to spend the day completely organizing our lives.  Relax cause we get no sleep..nahhh!  Lets maticulously organize the tool box in the garage (if you are wondering, no it wasn't P-Daddy-it was me), medicine cabinet, and our master bedroom closet.  Oh and don't forget loading up three large boxes of kids clothes (tear) for Goodwill. 

Or the fact that before P-Daddy and I had a little get-away I labeled all of Baby J's drawers and made the below (which is just one page of the entire binder I left for our precious babies caretakers that weekend). 

Not to mention that this month alone I have re-arranged our living room twice.  Last month-once.

Apparently OCD is currently how I am dealing with my issues.  HA!  Better that than Marlboro Ultra Lights right?!  Can I get an AMEN?

P-Daddy and I did get away recently to go and watch our great friends get hitched.  We made a long weekend out of it and spent some quality time with each other and friends.  It was awesome and much needed.

I haven't laughed that hard in a long time. 

At other people's jokes that is. 

I laugh that hard all the time at my own of course.

We have great friends. 

And that's all I got for today.

My Little Boy

For some reason I have been thinking a lot about these pictures...or I guess the day behind these pictures...

My LITTLE JD.

He was 13 months old on this day and I remember thinking that he was soo big! He didn't really talk until he was 27 months old but yet I look back at these and think about the language he and I had. Its remarkable to me that I stayed at home with JD for over 2 years and for most of that time he couldn't tell me a thing in plain English.

And yet he told me everything.

He really is a little me and P-Daddy all rolled into one. Which can be challenging at times...because, really...who wants to live with themselves? Or a small version of themselves at that? The cute parts of yourself, sure. But the little girl and little boy parts inside of you that are raw and sensitive and humble and outspoken and and AND...well those can be a bit more difficult of course.

And yet even those difficult parts about a 3 year old that is just like you is still beautiful.

I laid in bed the other night while trying to fall asleep and my heart starting to ache. Because he is growing up. He is making friends. Not MY friends children, his own, real life friends. And I am so proud of him.

So proud that when asked which child wants to come up in front of the class to tell a story about an unknown thing he jumps up and can't wait to do it. Turns out it was about a robot. Score.

He does a perfect Robot impression.

But my heart ached because for some reason on this random night of trying to fall asleep I got super in touch with my own childhood. Or could remember things that were painful. Like feeling as though I wasn't good enough or cool enough as the people that surrounded me. Feeling left out, being made fun of. All things that are a part of any childhood.

And yet all things he hasn't had the pleasure of knowing yet.

He is this amazing, beautiful, outspoken little boy and I want him to ALWAYS know this. Something that I feel like all parents lose (including mine) is the perspective of who their child is right at this point in their life. I read recently that our God given talents are there ready to be improved upon at the ripe age of TWO! Its just what our parents decide to do with us that shapes whether or not we really develop those talents.

I want to help shape his God given talents. I don't want to hinder them. I don't want to ever forget who he is right now.

I want him to LOVE who he is always and forever. I want to help him with that journey. Because, as we all know, its not easy to love yourself through thick and thin. But if I could accomplish one thing as a mommy it would be that. To have children who are completely aware of who they are and love that person. Amen-Hallelujah.

And so...


Wait for it...

Challenge Accepted! :)

Sharing Time!

I am an oversharer. I overshare. The good, the bad, the ugly. I will share with you. I do it (most of the time) because I am a rescuer by nature. I want to help you. Are you going through something? I bet I have a story that's worse (in my head) or equal that will help. Or I hope it will.
I realized an obvious factoid the other day when I was oversharing. That no matter how well I overshare (or tell my story), no matter how detailed it is-no one really knows what it feels like/felt like to be me in that or any situation. Simple thought, complex emotion.

Its just a story to anyone I overshare with.

It was/is my life.

Essentially I am telling you so you can hear what it is to walk a mile in my shoes. So you know you aren't alone.

Never before have I thought about it this way and I don't know why. Especially because I am such an oversharer.

Hello-if you have read this blog long enough you KNOW I overshare.

In my hormonal state I think this came to mind because a LOT has happened since I had baby girl. Stuff that may have also happened to other people but that is still so personal that it can only be a story to them and it was my real life.a

Like Open heart surgery for dad.

6 additional days on the ventilator for dad because there were complications.

Dad being 2 and a half hours a way while I had just had surgery to get baby girl out of me.

P-Daddys dad having a procedure done.

Hospitals everywhere.

Oh and then Dad got married.

So just a lot. And so lots of stories to tell. Lots of people asking questions. Lots of me oversharing.

I don't like secrets. That's another reason I overshare.

The in laws didn't know my dad had been to prison prior to our marriage. I by no means kept it a secret- just never came up in conversation (and why would it I guess...but most of the time I would have made sure that people who are close to me know about this).

So when it DID come up the looks on their faces alone told how they felt. And that's why I don't like secrets. And that's why I overshare.

You can judge. But at least judge with all of the facts.

I think I used to overshare because I was scared of the judging.

Now I overshare because its part of who I am and I like me and I want to help you.

But in realizing that my stories are JUST stories to you I also realized that your stories are just stories to me. And that sometimes in my oversharing I am not LISTENING to you enough. And by you I mean anyone who I have overshared with. So I guess, you.

Lately I have been laying in bed at night thinking of all the things I want to overshare about.

Like my postpartum weight and how breastfeeding didn't really help. And that I don't love myself enough during pregnancy to not gain too much weight.

And like how I already quit breastfeeding and how that whole thing was good, bad, REALLY ugly (like my nipples) at times but so worth it. Even if it was for a short time. And I can't believe the guilt I feel about stopping.

Or the fact that I am looking forward to going back to work and how guilty I feel about that. I am telling you that being a stay-at-home mommy was hard but I think that being a working mom may just be harder. Because of the guilt and the guilt alone.

And how the worst part about getting therapy for yourself is that it makes you look at all the people around you totally different. How transparent they now are because of everything I have learned. And how I just want to shout from the rooftops what a gift it is to learn more about yourself and heal from any wounds you may have from life thus far.


And really, all of that oversharing is just my selfish thoughts that may or may not help you or you or you but they are the ones that I lie in bed at night and think about how I should blog about them.

And so I have.

On why I think Rob Lowe is a Smart Cookie

So I have been totally sucked in to Oprah's FINAL 25 shows...which happened to include the interview of Rob Lowe. Who, by the way, I do not find dreamy at all. Except for his recent cover on Vanity Fair. That was pretty hot. But as a general statement, not so dreamy.

If I am going to get a choice in a celebrity man, I would rather have myself some Matthew McConahay. But thats just me.

But I digress...

So ROB said two things on Oprah that I found very smart that I thought I should share because for whatever reason they have not left my brain since I heard them come from his non dreamy mouth.

The first is a comment he made about his wife, his marriage. He said (not quoting, just generalizing here) that he and his wife try and find things to do TOGETHER not A PART. Sounds simple enough, right? Sounds like what people would DO in a marriage. Or that it would be what comes easy to two people who decided to spend their life TOGETHER right?

I heard this and thought "RIGHT ON BROTHER" and "PREACH IT" because I live in that same sort of marriage. And I was that girl that entered in my marriage thinking that all marriages were ones where the two involved really loved to spend actual time together. That they enjoy. But honestly I have very few friends, acquaintances, co-workers, you name it that enjoy spending time with their significant other. Or maybe enjoy isn't the correct word. Maybe its that when given the opportunity to spend time with someone, the first choice is not their significant other.

So whatever that means.

And they look at me funny when my first choice IS P-Daddy.

My marriage is NOT perfect. Well not perfect to you or if you knew all the ins and outs you would say it wasn't. But I have come to know that its messy perfect to ME and really, that is all that matters. I am happy that when Mr. Rob Lowe said that he would rather spend time with his wife than a part I could smile and know exactly what he was talking about.

Preach it Rob.

I hope people listen to him, on Oprah, in his book...because his wife, lets be honest is not what I would consider "Hollywood perfect" and yet Mr. Bratpack dreaminess thinks she is the most awesome woman ever.

Go him.

Onto the second point that I think makes Mr. Rob Lowe pretty smart.

He said (and again not quoting) that there comes a time in ones life where feeling youthful becomes work and its a choice that everyone makes a choice to live youthfully or start to live like an old fart. HA! He didn't say the fart part at all...just how I interpreted it. And the context was not botox or looks, it was on a question she asked him about how much energy he has and how excited he seems about life.

That really spoke to me for some reason. Probably because I just had our second child (which sort of makes me feel old), I am close to being 10 years removed from college and I am no longer in my 20's. But the funny thing is I tell my dad all the time that you are only as old as you feel.

And I don't feel OLDER.

I feel great, full of life.

Ready for the journey. Like I always have been.

But I don't ride around in my teal Lebaron convertible anymore singing as loud as I can whenever I want just to clear my head.

And I don't write in my journal like its a person and tell it exactly how I am feeling all of the time about every little thing.

I don't run miles and miles just to feel great anymore either.

I don't walk into a room full of 30 somethings and feel anywhere NEAR as confident as I did when I walked into a room full of 2o somethings in college.

So its a bit MORE work to keep ME full of beautiful LIFE.

Sing it ROB, sing it.

Oh and thanks for telling this to Oprah while I am 30. :)

I might be a wee slap silly with tiredness (I know you are sick of me talking about it but this but this sleeplessness is serious business) but I think Rob Lowe may just be a smart cookie.

The Ramblings of This Tired Momma

Today you will get a rare glimpse into exactly how my brain is working right now. Its a bit jumbled and filled with lots of randomness but should be an interesting read! :)

Right now I am sitting with JD on the couch, watching "Handy Manny." He is snuggled up to me and his feet are on top of my feet. He is huge. I mean seriously GIANT and I know I won't get opportunities like this with him forever so I am soaking it up.

I was really over all of the Royal Wedding coverage. I mean over it. I just sort of wanted the world to leave William and Kate alone. But turns out I felt their day was lovely. And I liked the short kisses. William doesn't like PDA people. It was cute.

He fell out of his bed at 4am this morning. Loudest thump I have ever heard (or so it seemed at the time). Almost a full year in that bed with no guard rail and he has never fallen out before. Poor thing was so sad. This momma was happy to help him BACK into bed and prayed he would fall back asleep. He did. Thank God.

Baby J is currently fast asleep in her pack n play with us downstairs. Sleeping on her belly, which happens to be her favorite way to sleep. This is unfortunate because unless I am wide awake and able to watch her every move she can't sleep this way. Even though the girl has AMAZING head control. Came out of the womb that way. Everyone in the hospital ooo'd and awww'd about it. I just wish she could sleep the way she likes without me breathing over her neck. Oh because selfishly I would like to sleep while she is sleeping the way she likes.

My left hip hurts like a mother trucker and has since the third trimester of pregnancy. I thought it was the pregnancy but I am worried something got loose in there. I walk with a limp sometimes. Probably not good. Totally forgot to address this issue at my 6 week follow up appointment last week because on that particular day things were feeling quite normal.

And now JD is out on the screened in porch. Mowing. Changing oil on his mower. Filling up the gas tank. Washing his mower. If he could mow in his sleep, he would.

And he is STILL talking about how much he missed us while we were in the hospital with Baby J. He sometimes cries about it. To say he felt abandoned is an UNDERSTATEMENT. He just told me he missed us while we were in the hospital. Came in from the porch, told me, went back to his business. Sad that even while he is busy with his favorite thing in the world, his little brain goes there.

Right before I had baby J I went to get my usual highlights and the gal tried something new and turned my hair ORANGE. I am still reaping the benefits from that disaster. Really awesome when my self confidence was already in the pregnancy dumps and now I have the lovely post baby body. I have had three total hair redo's, so its better but I have a feeling I will be feeling the pain of this mess up for at least a year. I have switched hair dressers.



I am in awe of how wonderful JD is with Baby J. In awe. He is a rowdy, ROWDY boy but when he is dealing with Baby J he is gentle and caring. Its a beautiful thing. And I find it so neat that when he is around she is almost always silent and following him around wherever he goes.

My old job decided they wanted me to return apparently. They sent me an email asking me to re-interview for my old position. I find this EXTREMELY interesting. I graciously told them I was happy with the company I am working with now. It was nice to know that they were interested in having me back. Wish they would have acted like they gave a damn about my work when I was there. Glad my company does now.

Speaking of my company now...they have been so ridiculously generous to our family since Baby J was born. Its humbling to know that these people I call co-workers that I have only met in person ONCE can be so giving and thoughtful.

My dad had open heart surgery to replace a valve 2 weeks after Baby J was born. He is doing okay now but things went very south a day after surgery. To say that I have been stressed is an understatement.


Baby J laughs in her sleep. Might just be one of my favorite things of all time.

I don't remember my dreams being as vivid postpartum with JD. I am having some crazy ones every single night and every single morning I think I should be writing them down.

Speaking of writing things down, I still have yet to write a single word in an actual journal. And yet I think about doing that everyday too.



When JD asked me to turn on a show for him this morning I told him that we really should be watching the news because today is a special day. "Osama Bin Laden was killed" I told him. "Why?" he asked. "Because he hurt our country and tried to make us less safe." "Why?" he asked. "Because he wasn't a nice man." "They schanked him mom?" "Yep JD, the schanked him." Schanked seemed like a less violent way to describe things so I went with that.



I am breastfeeding this time around and feel as though this subject needs a whole blog post. Bottom line: its hard work. Stay tuned.



I am struggling with what in the world to put on Baby J's feet when I put her in a dress. Socks? That seems strange to me. And she is too little for shoes. She has the cutest dresses but I just don't know where to begin with the feet business. Dressing JD was much easier. She has so many accessories and multiple parts to the same outfit. She is wayyyyy more fashionable than me (which I hope to continue for her sake).

My belly button will never be the same I am quite positive. Its back to being an innie but I just don't think its ever going to look right again. Damnit. :)



I wish I had more time to blog because I miss it. There I said it. I miss it.

Over it?

I may just be over blogging, this here blog...the blog thang.

I just don't know. I still have lots and lots to say, don't get this girl wrong...but I am just not able to take the time to sit down and type it out.

I have censored myself too. And I hate that. I think about writing all of my (ahem) profound thoughts and then I think about who reads this and what they will think if I am that brutally honest about whatever subject is running through my head.

Secretly I want to start a secret blog.

The biggest secret is I don't have time to start a secret blog.

I also think that maybe I should just journal again. Maybe that.

But if nothing else I am a confused blogger.

I don't want to be a mommy blogger.

I want to be able to discuss my momminess when I feel necessary but I don't want to be a mommy blogger.

Being a mommy is important and, of course does defines part of who I am. BUT JUST PART PEOPLE.

Here is what I know fo sho:

We are great.
I love my job.
I am approximately 3 weeks from delivering our Baby Girl.
This stage of pregnancy is really hard on my body, mind and soul.
I have fabulous friends from all walks of my life.
I miss the gym.
I am so thankful my mom lives so close.
JD is the light of my life. Our life.
I can't wait for March Madness.
P-Daddy is the LOVE of my life. Seriously people. The Best.
I don't pray enough.
I am scared of my second c-section.
I love getting my nails done.
I may just be over this here blog.

Time shall tell I guess. I am taking 12 weeks off once baby girl is born. You may just get some delirious sleep deprived posts! Now THAT could be entertaining folks!

Which of your parents are you most like?

P-Daddy gets told ALL.THE.TIME he is "just like his father." Which isn't a negative thing at all, it just isn't true. :) But I let the family continue to say it because its their gig. And P-Daddy and his daddy look a LOT a like. Way more than the other bro's...so I see how that could throw them all off. Ha!



I look a LOT like my mom, minus her height. I didn't quite get to 5'11...I hang out at 5'5 (on a good day). But if you look back at pictures from when she was my age its a bit scary how much we resemble each other. And I am like her in a lot of ways.



For example, I make my friends mix CD's whenever an opportunity arises to do so. Momism for sure.



I also shop on the sale rack first, wear my heart on my sleeve and feel very comfortable cooking without a recipe.



But as a PARENT, lately I have realized I may just be my dad. I have been told I am "just like your father" several times in my life. Mostly when I am in an angry and stubborn sort of mood. Which paints a bad picture of my dad. He isn't bad just so you know. He does have a temper (not a scary one, just a normal type) and is very stubborn.



I actually love how my dad parented. He was strict but knew when to give a little. He worked really hard to provide for his family, but when he came home he would always play with us or work with us on our sports. In the summer he would find time to coach our teams and come to the pool to swim with us. He had a social life with my mom, for himself, but you knew that we were the most important thing.



I painted a REALLY pretty picture there...we were NOT at ALL a perfect family. He made LOTS of mistakes in his life that affected our family. But now that I am a parent I look back at THOSE things above and really appreciate that I had a dad that was there.



I am like him though in the way of being the strict parent. I am not afraid to yell. I am also not afraid to give lots of hugs and love. I am not afraid to sacrifice everything (even sleep, especially sleep) for my child(ren). I get a little short tempered when JD acts up over and over again. I work hard for their future.



This is just one of those funny little things in life I think. Looking back at your parents and seeing the good and the bad. Trying to figure out your own way but realizing there are things that they did that will be embedded in you forever.



I am glad I make mix CD's and wear my heart on my sleeve. I am also glad that I am able to be strict yet loving.



Which of your parents are you most like?

This Girl and Pregnancy

I have been thinking about this post for a while...you know with all the up and down in the night (gives me lots of time to THINK). I had lots to say when prego with JD but didn't blog...sooo thought it may be fun to think out loud a bit on what this 9 month gig is all about for what is probably my final pregnancy.

So I am literally just going to type what I think. May be a bit jumbled. May be brilliant. We shall see...

Pregnancy with JD was trying. Lots of medical weirdness and complications. Makes the whole process very hard. Made me a nervous nelly. Pretty sure it heightened the level of my control freakness with him when he was born healthy.

Avoided Pregnancy for almost 3 years due to this factoid.

Took me about 3 years to get off all the weight from the FIRST one.

My boobs stayed bigger. Good for P-Daddy, ehhh for me. Big boobs to a girl that never had much makes you feel fatter. But I will say my cleavage is gorgeous now. HA!

First trimester sucks for two reasons.
One-you are tired and feel like crap for 12-14 weeks.
Two-you are cautioned to not tell a soul about being pregnant because the chances of miscarrying your baby is so high.
Which really means there are THREE reasons to not like it because who wants to carry around the burden of the fact that you are pregnant now but for no rhyme or reason in a 12 week time frame you could just "poof"...not be anymore.

First 12 weeks drag for this girl.

When I see two blue lines or "PREGNANT" on a stick...I want to shout it from the roof tops. Such an exciting moment.

Second Trimester is bliss. Even with JD and the ball of stress I was. Baby girl has been much easier overall but the two of them made the second 12 weeks fabulous.

Belly looks like a pregnant person and not just a chub.

You start to feel their little kicks and punches.

You glow a bit.

And you aren't too big that doing anything like sitting down and standing up is a challenge.

The hormones that run through your body during this time frame must be some good stuff (aka they should bottle it-ha!) too because I worry a LOT less during this time frame.

We find out what we are having and get the blessed 20 week ultrasound.

Then you hit (overnight it feels) the third trimester. I feel, especially with this pregnancy that I went to bed one night and woke up the next morning and I was a lot rounder in the belly, it was harder to roll myself out of bed in the morning and baby girl gained at least two pounds.

I start to worry a lot too. If I don't feel her move (and was the same way with JD) for a second (okay probably longer than that) I start to worry that something is wrong.

I start to worry about the delivery and that her cord will be wrapped around her neck 4 times too.

I start to worry about the recovery of another c-section.

I start to worry about weird things like blood clots because of c-sections.

I nest like no other woman has nested. I nest hard.

I start getting so excited about meeting our daughter (our DAUGHTER!) and then get scared in the same breath that something could go wrong.

I don't like third trimester hormones. :)

I worry that each Braxton Hicks is a real contraction (as I don't think I had any real ones with JD) and that I am not paying close enough attention.

Did I mention I nest?

Did I mention everything is already washed, put in its organized place, and ready for her arrival?
Did I mention I am only 29 1/2 (yes I needed to get the half in there) pregnant?

Oh and the nursery is done.

And I am thinking about packing my hospital bag today. No joking around here folks. Move out the way...I am nesting.

Then I look at JD and cherish every moment with him (or at least try to) because his world is going to be rocked soon.

I was the oldest child. I know the responsibility you feel as the oldest. I don't want him to feel that yet (and I know he won't but my adult horomoned out brain is O.C.)

I can't wait to see him as a big brother.

I have loved this time as our family of three though. For us, I am glad we had it this way.

And I do think about and thank God about the fact that we have no troubles getting pregnant. That in itself is a gift.

I have tried to let the weight thing go. I have been conscious about what I ingest (although Christmas time was hard on this front), how much I work out, etc. But I have just tried to appreciate what my body is doing this time.

The deal is that no one can prepare any one gal what this will be like as it is different for everyone. And I like to go into a situation prepared.

The first time around hit me like a ton of bricks as I literally had always envisioned pregnancy as a very blissful time.

I was of course more prepared this time around but it still hasn't ceased to amaze me. It hasn't been blissful but its been niceR

Overall I am trying to cherish pregnancy this time around. Trying to breath, give it to God and enjoy the 9 month ride. I am just at the 7 month part and wish that God had created pregnancy to be 30 weeks instead of 40. :)

And yet another deep thought by this momma

So I am having a girl as you all know by now.

And I am so excited.

But I am also so scared.

Women are so hard on themselves (including this woman). And I was hard on myself as a girl, teen, and young adult too.

So I was at a baby shower today of a friend who happens to also be having a girl. There were 34 other beautiful women there...some I knew, most I didn't from all walks of this friends life. I listened (probably looked creepy but whatevs) to these girls talk about their jobs, their friends, their lives. I find people so interesting so this is always fun for me...you know to be the creepy one listening in! HA!

Anyway...then it came time to take the group photo. We all gathered on this pretty staircase and that's when it started.

"I would prefer to be in the back"
"Please take this shot from the waist up"
"Could you hide my hips"

...and those were just a few.

I have to admit that earlier at this same shower one of my friends and I were discussing our Christmas cards and I sooo said I hate having my own face on them as I criticize almost all pictures of myself. To which she replied "oh whatever you are soo freaking photogenic"...to which I replied "oh no I am not"...but then followed it up with "I do realize that I am my worst critic." And I look back at that conversation and just want to stop myself and say instead "THANK YOU."

In her eyes, perception is probably reality. Meaning in her eyes I AM photogenic. And paying someone a compliment like that is extremely sweet. Next time, I promise to say thank you. Whether I believe it or not.

Speaking of BELIEVING it...I actually have come a long way from the days where I would look in the mirror and only see my flaws. I actually do like ME. Even my growing a** from the baby growing inside of me. :) Even that. And that, my dear readers is a HUGE STEP for this girl.

But this brings me to the responsibility I feel to my unborn daughter.

I realize that society will play a part in how she looks at herself.

I realize that I (and P-Daddy) will play the LARGEST part.

Yes, this may sound or read as if I am only focusing on vanity. But if you are a girl and you are reading this, you know what you think about yourself to the core of your being. And it starts with what you are looking at in the mirror. Yes, sure you may see wrinkles and not love them...but if you look at your eyes you see your core. This is what I am talking about. And you may not really be able to pin point WHY you feel the way you do but I can tell you from all the therapy this girl has had...it came from your family. And how you feel at the core of yourself does spill out of you. Whether you like it or not. Like when you are 30 something and have to take a group picture at a baby shower.

My husband, by the way looks at himself fondly in the mirror every single day. And always has since the day I met him. And I love this quality. He likes himself. I want both my kids to feel this way too.

So as I am aware this CAN be something men deal with, I know this IS something women deal with.

When I hear friends who already have little girls criticize them I cringe. They hear you is what I want to say. You are shaping them NOW. And I don't think calling a 2 year old chubby is ever okay. Mostly because its just allowing YOU to think its okay to say it later too.

So I may be a bit sensitive because of my own experiences...and I may take this way too seriously for some...but no matter your thoughts of what I am writing if you are a woman...YOU KNOW WHAT I AM TALKING ABOUT and you know how it affects YOU!

I have always said "you do better when you know better." And we all know better. We are all smart, we have all seen the way this whole thing plays out. I want our baby girl to grow up and say "THANK YOU" to a compliment without even thinking twice about it. Because at her core, she knows that she is beautiful inside and out. I want her to truly love herself.

By the way your parents did the best they knew how. Just as mine did. We all carry our baggage and unfortunately this is given to our children. I don't blame my parents as what good does that do? I just want to learn from my own experiences. And NOT repeat history.

And so I am scared.

Because this is a HUGE responsibility.

For both our kids.

But believe me when I say I am thrilled to be given this opportunity. To be a parent. To love my children and show them how to love.

Dear God thank you for the gift of my children...help me do your will along the road of raising them! AMEN!

A month?

How did this happen? November seriously went by in the blink of an eye. And I have been TERRIBLE about blogging. Terrible. A month people...that's just not like me.


So in a nutshell...or a blink of an eye...here is what I have been up to (cause I just know you are curious).


Turned 30, celebrated with friends and family at a surprise party P-Daddy put together.


Saw Oprah's LAST (two) Favorite Things...this is momentous people, don't hate. And just in case you were wondering the peeps who were at the FIRST round got it so much better.


Found out we are having a BABY GIRL...and for those 5 of you who voted, thank you for your patronage. Your GRAND PRIZE is being CORRECT! Go you!


Created and ordered our 2010 Christmas Card and stressed WAY too much about this.


JD started and finished his first round of swim lessons. Round two coming soon! I am pretty sure he will be swimming by himself this summer (no floatation devices needed) and we are pumped about this.


Found a new lady to get my hair did by and love her.


Pretty sure I was ill with a cold half the month (this pregnancy is kicking my immune system's bootie...but in other news that same bootie seems to be not getting as LARGE this time-can I get a WOOHOO, and a knock on wood for good measure...)


Started purchasing 5T clothing for my 3 year old and am pretty damn sad about it. He is giant Toddler officially.


Bought a new (fake) Christmas tree and decked our halls.

JD started soccer and did fabulous on his first day! They give these little guys and gals uniforms which I find HILARIOUS and love it. He really was a sweaty mess after the 50 minute class!

Watched Butler get beat by Duke...again. Brutal.


Started to feel baby girl move around, always fun...wish she would cut out the bladder kicking though! Its her current favorite!!

Finally ordered a family stamp and I am super excited about this. I am OVER return address labels and feel so fancy now! :)


Took my car into the shop 3 times (or rather P-Daddy did this) and got super annoyed about it because the problem was a defect that they wouldn't fix until each "coil" went out. We are finally fixed but and it was FREE but I am over having car issues!!

FINALLY hired a painter and getting the rest of our house painted. Every color has been chosen, the floors have been covered in plastic and the painting starts TOMORROW! woohoo!

Implemented a "chore chart" for JD...the "chores" are currently
Eating a good dinner (meaning at least one sampling of each item on the plate)
cleaning up toys at the end of each day
going to bed ONCE (he has been known to reappear downstairs and have to be put BACK in bed)
staying in bed ALL NIGHT, until its light outside (also been known to appear at my bedside in the middle of the night and freak this momma out)

Still working on what the "rewards" should be...don't want them to be too complicated or food oriented. Perplexed...

I have done a ridiculous amount of baking! Which I plan on sharing the wealth of the recipes soon with all of you, so get yourself excited! :)

Happy December! Happy Advent!

How Are You?

My mind is rather full right now. I have an overly active brain as it is and then with the extra blood flow because of being prego...well, to put it nicely, the brain is on overdrive.

It doesn't feel any different than my normal over-active brain but I know with the amount of stuff I have swirling around, it is. And also what kind of stuff. Its everything from the national attention on bullying, to worrying about JD (normal), to thinking about exactly how I should re-arrange, oh, you know, the WHOLE house, to what I will wear for Christmas Eve mass and, and, and. Insert any topic and its probably running through my brain.

And I already have the perfect dress for Christmas Eve mass. But I still wake up in the middle of the night and think about how the ENTIRE outfit will look together. So I guess in the end it better be great cause its only October! :)

But honestly, mostly I think about the people closest to my heart. And this is NOTHING new. A lot of women say "its so hard to put myself first, put myself on the list, think of myself." And yes, I find this hard too...especially after having JD. And yes I went through some serious "where did mamalouise go/identity crisis" stuff. But I believe I came out better for all of that so I don't dwell.

It is not in my human nature to think of myself first. I would MUCH rather ask how you are and talk about you and your life and your cheers and fears. MUCH rather. If you read my diary I kept from 5th grade through high school you would know that this is so true its a bit ridiculous. I read my middle school diary somewhat recently and in most posts I wrote how I was worried about so and so and needed to pray for so and so.

I am this way to a fault.

Now that doesn't mean I can't dominate conversations like the best of em. I can. And that is not my best quality. Even though while dominating I am most likely just trying to help by sharing a story from my own personal experience that I think may be a good parallel. NOT EVERYONE WANTS HELPED MAMA! But my brain always goes there.

Sometimes, no more than sometimes I think I would have been better suited as a therapist.

I have lots of personal stories to draw upon. Believe me. I was telling one just last night to a few friends at dinner (my dad going to jail one) and even as I was sharing what I have shared a million times I still thought to myself (this doesn't even sound real...I bet this friend of mine is questioning how truthful this all is). And yet the whole thing is real and true. So anyway I kind of have the shock and awe stories that have to make people feel better about their current situation, right?

On a side note, I think this is one of the reasons I have issues with liars. Why would people make up stories about their own life/experience for a shock and awe type of reaction? Coming from someone who has lived through some actual shock and awe, its insulting.

P-Daddy told me the other day how awesome he thought it was that I could laugh about my family's dysfunction. That he believes a lot of people would walk through life bitter and defensive if they had lived through some of the same stuff I have. And its funny, because the word bitter has NEVER even crossed my mind. The feeling bitter has never been in my soul.

I feel blessed actually. I feel blessed to have a life story already.

To have known what I wanted before entering a marriage because of seeing my parents mistakes...

To be able to help friends (and sometimes complete random strangers that I get into weird conversations with) with my story...

To have been adult enough to demand that I go to the college I want when I had very little support from my parents at age 17...

To live through a lot of adults in my life acting more like children than adults and having to pick up their pieces...

To know that I never want to have any sort of permanent addiction because I have seen what doing anything in excess can bring you...

To have already felt somewhat prepared as a parent because I have somewhat already been one to my brother...

I look at everyone and see their beauty first. Sure, once I get to know you I may see the demons you have too but I always see the beauty first. I could give a 45 minute (minimum) speech on every one of my friends and tell them all of the beautiful things about them. The things they see, and the things that they don't.

My point in sharing that is because I guess P-Daddy was right, I could have been the girl to have wallowed in her family's dysfunction. And yes, I am in therapy. Its one of the most selfish things I have done in my life to date honestly. That and smoking way too many cigarettes for too many years. Therapy just helps me see the beauty within my family, my story. It doesn't make me bitter.

I have ALWAYS said that God put me on earth so that I could help others. That everything that has happened in my life was only so I could help others with their trials. I am so glad that He also gave me the strength to laugh, cry, yell and even scream through all of my experiences.

Please know I have my days. I HAVE my days. :) I am just so freaking lucky to have found P-Daddy. To be able to be sharing my life with someone I truly enjoy spending time with, who is my best friend in a sense that no one has ever been to me (and its not because he gets to make sweet love to me-HA!!)


And for my take on the bully's and bullying...bully's have more pain than they know what to do with and that sucks. The bullying they do sucks worse because they are hurting others in their pain. And its a no win situation because there is always two victims in the end. I know the world doesn't see the bully's like that but I do. They were already hurting for some reason and decided to inflict pain on someone else...and then they hurt someone to the point of killing themselves in some cases and now that bully has to live with the pain they already had AND the fact they lead someone to death. Its awful. Parents need to hug their kids more. Get off their Facebook page and hug their kids more.

Oh and I think some of this said bullying is complete crap (the ones that make the news that don't end in death)...as I think it is over-reacting, sue happy, want to be famous parents who jump at any opportunity. Sad truth.

So blog stalkers...How Are You today?

This one almost reads like an agenda or checklist...but it is sooo not

First things first...to my left you will see a brand new poll on whether or not Baby #2 will be a boy or a girl. Only 29 days left to vote people...do your blog stalker thang and cast your vote today! Go Baby Dumas #2! :)

Second things second. We had some of our friends over on Friday night and it was so much fun! By SOME of our friends I mean my college girlfriends and their significant others. It has been FOREVER since we were all together so I was extra excited! The boys sat in our living room and watched the Reds game (or tried) as we did our usual thing and yelled over each other trying to just get a word in edge wise amongst ourselves. This is normal, right?

I did realize a few things worth sharing from that evening.

One is I couldn't have a more diverse group of friends by means of personalities. I am pretty sure everyone was offended at least once by another's comment throughout the evening, including comments that I am sure I made. We are ALL definitely not afraid to use our First Amendment right with each other. Although this is nothing new to the group it still shocks me a little every time we are together.

Another is I am not doing a very good job when it comes to being myself as a Christian amongst my friends. I realized that they don't see me as a religious person at all that evening (because yes religion came up) and I am disappointed in myself.

And finally I realized that one of the reasons we don't get together that often anymore is because we all don't have a lot in common anymore. This is probably one of the saddest factoids. However, I don't walk away from this realization sad at all...because all of those beautiful and talented ladies are wonderful people and friends. And we will always have our get togethers. Just not Desperate Housewives style where it is in the neighborhood and we have our morning coffee together. Its a lot more like we live in separate cities and our get togethers are to catch up on each others lives. Which is probably the "normal" for a lot of people. It just wasn't the normal for us for a lot of years.

I realized this summer especially how much I haven't let myself branch out from these girls because I didn't want to offend any of them. I realized this because I did branch out...and found myself having a lot of fun with other friends...friends that have been around for a lot of years that have had the patience to stay in my life without me putting much effort in until recently. Its just that I never really let other friends IN. Because I had MY circle of friends. I was cheating myself by not being REAL friends with anyone else besides the ladies I once lived on Hampton Drive with (well them and my Dvegas girlfriends-but my Dvegas friends are a breed of their own because I never had trouble letting them in...and they all have known me since I was 10 or younger even, chubby, boy haircut, you know the lovely awkward years).

I think its because it took me a long time to really let my college friends in. My life in college to many of my now close friends seemed at one time (because they have told me) as careless and care free. And there definitely was a part of my college days that were exactly that. But behind the scenes, those who really got to know ME found that I had been an ADULT in my family for years and years. And I was in a lot of ways parenting my brother at the time. My carelessness and carefreeness was my release from my real life. Its also how I buried pain but that's for another day and another blog. But not everyone knew what they knew about me and my personal life and I have always revered their friendships...for being there when I was in a rough spot...helping find lots and lots of laughter and being a shoulder to lean on.

So in many ways I feel grateful for all of the above. That I have these amazing women in my life that are great friends... but that I have many others in my life that I have finally let IN and am having so much fun with. Yes I still have fun with my college friends (reread above). Lots of it... we have had some amazing times and I know we have more amazing ones in our future.

I have to be somewhat careful in writing this because a lot my college girlfriends read this (hi ladies) and again I was so fiercely loyal to them for so many years that its somewhat hard for me to be so honest. Even with myself on this subject. I sat in bed and thought long and hard about this blog and realized that my favorite blogs are ones where I am honest...so here I am.

I feel fortunate for all the wonderful people in my life and love them all dearly. I just love to share my thoughts in hopes that I can help another. And I am quite sure that I am not alone in trying to stay true to my friends, those friends drifting a part, struggling to let new friends in and balancing life, friends, family, God, work, kids. And that is all I have to say about that.

Thinking out loud Thursday

I am having one of those days where I just feel like blogging but I don't necessarily have anything to blog about. So brace yourself people. This could get interesting.

I am exhausted. Literally I wake up every day after a crappy night of sleep as of late (thanks to my dear son) and think "I'm not that tired, I am going to be good to go today." And I am that way until about noon and then I crash. Except I don't crash because I work. But I mentally crash. Oh and the crappy night of sleep we are getting nightly I hear is due to the fact that we now have a 3 year old. A very strong willed 3 year old. But we will prevail this, don't you worry. I just may eventually need an IV of caffeine to get myself through a day.

We are in the midst of making some large furniture purchases right now. And if you know us you know that we were REALLY good at making these types of purchases (minus couches, we always suck at buying couches) early on in our relationship and now we second guess every move and spend WAY too much time shopping, negotiating and then sometimes never buying. We will buy this time. It just may take a year. Sometimes I wish I was young and stupid again...at least on this front. I am way too worried about big decisions now...

...like the robins egg paint samples I have had on my bathroom walls for a year with still no final decision made. Its just paint mama, its just paint. I act like its wallpaper. Now THAT is a marriage I just cannot enter.

I have a girls day planned on Saturday that includes a fancy breakfast and manicures and pedicures. I am so looking forward to this! I wonder if I can talk any of them into allowing me to come back to their house and take a nap after? Too much? HA!

I am losing followers lately...wonder what I did? Its like losing Facebook friends. You really don't care but you are always curious as to what happened.

It is taking everything I have not to bust out my all of my fall decor. I heart this time of year so much and with the brutal summer we had I am embracing all things FALL. Including the lovely breeze outside today! Now, Fall go ahead and stay around until December and we will be good to go. And yes, I just spoke to a season.

If stand up comedy existed for 3 year olds Jacob would be making millions. I laugh out loud every day at his funny stories. And kids, as you know, have no filter and have no idea what being really scared of anything means. Its such a beautiful thing.

I feel like I have said this before in some form or fashion as I guess I am just eternally perplexed at the complexity of how women interact with each other...but friendship in many ways isn't what I thought it was. Sometimes better, sometimes surprising, sometimes worse, sometimes the exact thing you needed...its just an interesting breed in our lives. I just hope I am a good one. I sure do try to be...but that doesn't always matter.

I realized the other day that my day instantly gets better when I hear (and sing) a good song on the radio with the windows down. I used to do this a LOT more. Its good for my soul. Favorite current song: "Half of my Heart" by John Mayer (featuring the lovely Taylor Swift).

Its about that time for me to do a Fall Tivo Talk. I am so excited I could pee my pants as I have missed good TV. Except for the fact that Entourage, Weeds, and Project Runway have kept me somewhat occupied. Especially PR as it is hands down the greatest reality show on television. And I don't sew and can't afford high end designer.

And finally...its the Farewell Season of Oprah people. Get excited.

Powerful

Yesterday was one of those days where you realize that life is fragile and God is in control. Yesterday was one of those days that makes you realize how much love runs through family. Yesterday was one of those days that makes you realize how powerful prayer can be.
Yesterday was one of those days that reminded me of how GOOD people can be.

Let me go back a few days actually...because its not just about yesterday...

About a week ago P-Daddy and I packed up the family truckster to brave the grocery store on a weekend morning. We had been playing with JD outside for most of the morning and our arms were really tired from swinging him so we decided this would be a good idea. I had laid my cell phone on my back bumper for play time and noticed it before we packed up, making a mental note I needed to grab it before we left. But I forgot. And we went on our merry way to the store and back home again. The store by the way is about 10 miles away. So we get home and I remember that I had left my cell on the bumper and forgot and we had driven off with it there. CRAP!!! But my optimistic self got back in the car with P-Daddy's cell phone and thought I would slowly drive down our street and down the main road of our hood on the off chance it was still out there and still in one piece. I did have a pretty sinking feeling in my gut that I was wrong though. Well...I drove down our street calling my phone and get to the stop sign at the end of our road and there I hear it. In the MIDDLE of the main road in our neighborhood, ringing. I get out of my car, walk over to my untouched phone, laugh, shake my head and say (out loud)"God I have NO idea why you are so good to me because I don't deserve it."

To you this may be silly because it is just a cell phone, and believe me when I say I completely realize this. It was just one of those rare moments where it was kind of a miracle that it was still in one piece based on where it was laying and it was going to be a real pain to have to get a new phone (and expensive) and I really felt God was saying "see I am in your life, even for the small things." (insert chills)

Flip back to the present...

It has truly been a powerful couple of days. We have been battling (made up) monsters in JD's room, lots of allergies turned into sickness (for me, JD, and Granbeck), lots of family in town, some days off of work for both me and P-Daddy, a dear loved ones surgery, lots of worrying, lots of praying, lots of laughter to break through the fear, and a huge blessing.

The surgery went well, better than well actually. And we are blessed. May we all see God's blessings through the good and tough times in our lives...the small and the big ways he shows us he is there.

B.O.

B.O. is not something a woman should deal with (even if she does sweat like a man in the armpit region)

B.O. may be a result of the fact that I have an obscene amount of hair under my pits (TMI?)

B.O. means I can't wear satin, even in the winter, unless I want to show off serious sweaty pit stains.

B.O. knows no boundaries and has ripped through every antiperspirant on the market (normal and "clinical") and one prescription deo too.

So as you can see I have a problem. And its of the smelly variety. I mean, don't get me wrong...I don't smell like a 7th grader who just went through puberty and doesn't yet realize they need some deodorant but by the end of every day I don't smell so hot. In fact, every night when P-Daddy gets home from work we hug it out and typically he gives me a smell check. Most days the verdict is: "you've smelled worse." Which is kind of gross. And I really hate it.

Right now I have a stick of deo in the center console of my ride, just in case. I used to have it there AND in my desk drawer at work. Yep peeps, its THAT bad.

Currently I start the day with a little SECRET and end with applying some Mitchum (for women). Always, ALWAYS of the powder fresh scent as it smells a little LESS bad when it is wearing of! Its working for me, for now. I think I need botox in the pits. I hear it works. And at the ripe age of 29 I am thinking this is a problem that won't go away without a serious intervention.

The deo's currently in my bathroom...

Aren't you glad you stopped by this here blog and read about Body Odor today? I'm sure glad you did. Now don't go off and forget your deodorant today! :)

Uncomfortable

I think I tend to make people uncomfortable. With my words. Or my language. Or both.


I am pretty sure that when I stood in front of my sorority on senior night LMAO about how my favorite movie was "Ernest Goes to Jail" because that is my fathers name and he had really been to jail I made people uncomfortable. It was a joke obviously, about that being my favorite movie and all. Its not.


I have definitely called my son a nightmare to friends. The looks were priceless. Again, uncomfortable. I mean really, he can be a nightmare, I can be a nightmare, most of them can be a nightmare too. Why can't I just be honest? Without the looks.


No one really likes it when I am honest about my pregnancy either. You know the part where I bled out something they think may have been JD's twin? Or when they told me he had a calcium deposit in his heart and that he MAY have down syndrome? Or when they told me that I have a heart shaped uterus and this may mean I won't be able to carry my son to term? That makes people uncomfortable.



It REALLY makes people uncomfortable when you call them out on their uncomfortable truth. So I really try and avoid that. Although my brain doesn't avoid it at all. I think about calling people out all the time. Because I.DON'T.GET.IT...or at least my brain doesn't understand why we all can't be honest.

I think when I use the "F" word a minimum of 10 times in one sentence makes some uncomfortable. I kind of, sort of understand this one. But I am so not going to stop.

I have noticed that asking my friends about how they are doing makes them uncomfortable. The question I get back a lot is, "why?" Ummm because I want to know how you are doing that is why. Because I care that is why.

Again, asking others about how their hubby or significant other the older we get makes people uncomfortable too. Most of the time I don't get a real answer. Which leads me to believe they don't want me to think that their relationship isn't what it always was (insert mental photo of them saying their "I Do's"). I know better. I AM married, remember. That's why I am asking. Aren't we supposed to be there for each other? And PS I want you to be happy in your marriage. I want you to have great sex and lots of it. I want your husband/boyfriend to tell you how awesome of a person you are. And I want you to tell me if he isn't doing this. Because maybe just maybe I can help. Or at least lend an ear. And offer cocktails.

You know what makes ME uncomfortable? That I grew up thinking things like religion, politics and abortion were the subjects too taboo to discuss. So I avoid them, for the most part at least. In fact, all of those "taboo" items are funny to me because I don't really care about them at all. I may think you are a bit close-minded if you won't listen to other's opinions, but if your beliefs are different than mine I don't care. In fact, thank God. How boring would life be if we all thought the same way?!

I digressed because I got off on a tangent on the taboo thing (go figure). The REAL taboo, turns out is that every one's truth is uncomfortable. Especially to discuss. Out Loud. And that makes me uncomfortable.

I would rather sit and have coffee and talk about my truth, your truth so help us God than talk about bullshit. Bullshit makes me uncomfortable. The FBI raiding my house does not.

Anyway...I had just been thinking about this. Its nothing personal to anyone in particular. Its just life I guess. I like that I use my voice and that my own experiences don't make me uncomfortable. I appreciate that my family, as dysfunctional as we were/are, allowed me to FEEL and be honest about my feelings.

I like that I am a person that doesn't really care if my life appears perfect to everyone. I think perfect sounds miserable.

I like that my son is a nightmare sometimes. Makes for good conversation as far as I am concerned. Makes me a better mom too.

The only thing that made me uncomfortable about my pregnancy was the weight gain and stretch marks. The other part was very scary. Scarier that I couldn't talk about it without making everyone uncomfortable. I have a healthy son. So the pregancy was just a part of my life story.

And my dad going to jail...well that sucked. His gambling habits caught up with him and he was the fall guy in the midst of many other gamblers. I hate that for him, the jail part. I hate that for my family too and all we went through. But I know all of it happened for a reason. And I know I am who I am because of all of my experiences, including this one. I have chosen (with the help of a fabulous therapist) to enjoy the messiness in life.

Speaking of therapists (insert my own ADD right now)...talking about going to a therapist makes people REAL uncomfortable. By the way, you all should go to one. Its the best gift you will ever give yourself. Believe that!

(and I am back from ADD land) Personally I think we would all be better off if we got a little bit more UNCOMFORTABLE and a little more REAL. But that's just me.

I am so going to get a lot of phone calls after this one. HA!

Blogging about nothing

I have realized this task, you know, the one that has me sit down to write about "nothing" is harder than it once was. But today I am going to do just that.



I have the winter blues or am allergic to winter. Walking in a Winter Wonderland is only fun if and when it is done at Christmas. Thought about going tanning to let the "sun" shine on my face but I haven't done this in years because I don't want my skin to be leather by the time I am 35. It may be anyway considering all the time I USED to spend in those things and the fact that I didn't start wearing sunscreen until...umm...last year?! So I can't undo what is already done but I don't want to do more...but I was thinking it would help. We just got word from Mr. Weatherman that we should expect 8 INCHES of snow this weekend. Stupid groundhog.



I have been working out consistently for over a year...part of which I even had a personal trainer. Due to this fact alone, I think I should be skinnier. Just sayin...not freaking out...just sayin...oh and that my lovely prego stretch marks...yeah wishing those would have magically dissapeared too. Just sayin.


I have been pretty diligently looking for a job as of late. I was even offered a job in early December. I didn't take it, wasn't right for me and the fam. Trying to figure out what is right for all of us that accomplishes what I really want to do is not an easy task. I never would have thought I could have or would have enjoyed this stay at home gig as much as I have. But this momma needs an outlet. Its what I am good at...working. Everything is organized in our home, and JD is so so so ready for an outlet himself that doesn't include his momma.



P-Daddy and I are going on a cruise to the Greek Isles this spring. He won this big trip through work. We will fly into Venice, Italy and then go from there. I have never been abroad and kind of hate flying but the closer this trip comes the more excited I get.



GranBeck's is moving here very soon. I couldn't be more excited! WE couldn't be more excited! You never know how nice it would be to have your parents close until you have a child. I haven't lived in the same city as my mother since I was in high school. Long time...can't wait!



Volunteering for my former sorority keeps me young. Or makes me feel young again. Something like that...but I enjoy it none-the-less. Going back to our former campus floods memories, good ones in my head. College students don't know how good they have it. I sure didn't.



JD is talking up a storm and I love it! He is able to communicate what he wants or needs and I couldn't be happier. A lot of women get frustrated with the repatativeness of their toddler's words. I revel in it (most of the time) because I realize he is just so excited to be able to say whatever he is saying. Kind of like I get excited to say whatever I am sayin and Lord knows I have been sayin lots of words a lot of the time for a long time. Just sayin.


I recently bought these amazing shoes from WHBM and have still never worn them. They are those fabulous shoes that I fear may sit in my closet for a few years before I am ever brave enough to wear them. *GASP*...I think I bought shoes that are more fashionable than me! HA! They are gorgeous though and when I do bust them out everyone will be talking don't you worry. Now...to find that perfect outfit to go with them...


Speaking of clothes...I recently dove into the deep end of the pool and purchased skinny jeans. I said I would NEVER do this but I have enough tall boots that I really wanted to wear over jeans that I caved. I rock them. They are basically denim spandex. They are so comfortable I want to sleep in them. I still feel like they are "tight rolled" at the bottom (if you were in middle/high school in the nineties you know what I am talking about) but I am not going to lie, I wish I had 20 pairs. It is scaring me though that COLORED jeans are coming back in? I hated fashion in the 80's and colored jeans feels very 80's. But so does spandex jeans I guess...damnit if that means I will be rocking electric blue dyed denim next season!



Side note: I still stand by only wearing my skinny jeans with boots that hide the fact that they are skinny. Can't rock high heels with them. I am pretty sure (no-POSITIVE) I would look ridiculous.



I have been leaving church sort of angry lately. Mostly because the sermon's are just ludacris (if you ask me of course). A few Sunday's ago we went, they read the verses of that week, I really liked said verses (and was excited to hear how Mr. Priest was going to relate to them to the real world), and then the priest stood up and discussed the fact that people should treat church like they would a wedding and dress up because it is distracting to him if people show up in Colts jersey's.
REALLY?
We are really going to focus an entire sermon on what people wear?
Do you not realize Mr. Priest that your church is PACKED this and every Sunday?
That these people come to listen to the word of God and to have you make sense of it all?
So that day, everyone left feeling shamed if they were wearing or had ever chosen to wear a jersey to church and heard nothing about how much God LOVED THEM? PS-don't think I am angry about this because P-Daddy and I were one of those people...we aren't the jersey type personally...but we were wearing jeans and apparently that is also not good enough either. Don't get me started. Maybe I wouldn't have been as angry if we hadn't already sat through an entire sermon on how birth control of any form is abortion. UGH! We need a new church.

Interesting that church talk was the longest paragraph...I guess we really do need to find a new place of worship.

I am making Rachel Ray's Shepherds Pie tonight for dinner...30 minutes my ass. But I don't care, I love to cook and if it takes me two hours I will be fine with it. Just sayin...no way its 30 minutes. Maybe if its pretty and delicious I will take a picture and share the recipe. I should do that more often...because people like looking at pretty food.

Thats all I got. Happy Hump Day!