Missing a little bit of that "Effortless" thing that used to be a part of my life

I like hard work.  I really do.  I love that feeling I get after I have cleaned my entire house and am sweaty and the house smells good and dinner is in the crock pot and the laundry is done.  I love that. 

I love when I have a huge project at work and its finally done and someone says they loved it.  Because I already loved it but its nice to know that your hard work is working for you.

Or how about when I took my child to the daycare at the gym for the first time in over a year and when I picked him up the babysitter ladies told me what a nice young man he is.

All of that is wonderful hard work paying off.  And I love it.

But today I need a little bit of effortless in my life.  That sentence probably doesn't make sense.  But its what I need so I am keeping it there.

I need a day where I can call my friend and we just talk.  We just go get coffee.  We don't need a reason.  We just exist as friends.  Because we like each other.

I need a day where I can leave my house to run an errand or have a little me time and everything is in its place when I return.  The kids, the house, the dishes.  And I just fall into the couch with my People magazine and watch mindless television and just exist for a moment. 

I need a day where I come to work and I put in my day and feel good at the end of it.  Accomplished.

I just need some effortless in my life.

I have a case of the Monday's if you can't tell.

And apparently I think its a good reason to blog.

We will see if it turns out to be. HA!

I think this is why I feel this way:
Woke up at 1:30 am, fed baby J.
Put her back to bed at 2:30am
Had to take a half of a Tylenol PM at 3:30 pm because P-Daddy was snoring so bad I couldn't fall back asleep from being woken up at 1:30am
Next thing I know JD is tapping me at 7am
My mom stayed with us last night so her dog is at the house.  Throw on clothes (or more clothes-I am not a sexy type sleeper-ha!), get JD bundled, me bundled and we take Pete (the dog) out.
Jacob has tantrum number one of the day because I wouldn't let him put on the leash.
Get the dog in.
Make JD his milk and get him a nutra grain bar
get the dog his food
make myself some coffee
JDs alarm clock starts going off (because he is supposed to sleep until that goes off). 
I run upstairs to turn it off and find baby J awake.
Get baby J. 
Change her diaper.
Give her Zantac. 
Feed her.
Get JD bundled again, get myself bundled and take Pete out to poop
Get JD dressed for school.
P-Daddy is now up and JD goes upstairs to talk to him.
I take this opportunity to pack JD's school bag.
Baby J has pooped. 
Change baby J's diaper.
Its 8:40. 
JD is leaving for school with Daddy.
My mom is up now and taking care of Baby J.
I go to the office, boot up my computer and start my work day.
Have first meeting with boss where I am told I didn't turn in my "best work"-probably right. 
Take notes. 
Doing it over.
Get a text from P-Daddy that JD had a complete meltdown when he was dropped at school
Still on a call/meeting with my boss.  And now he is telling me how unhappy he is with other peoples work.
Flip to now where P-Daddy is back home because he doesn't feel good. 
Struggling to keep JD down for a nap.
Have EOD meetings that I am preparing for.
Still have unbrushed teeth, pajama bottoms, my shirt I wore yesterday on and haven't brushed my hair.
I have a huge zit on the tip of my nose
I have a huge zit on the side of my nose where a mole is and I am sort of freaking out that something is wrong (just went to the dermatologist and nothing was wrong then of course).
PS-I have been zit free my whole life so this is pissing me off
The lawn needs mowed and P-Daddy is sick-guess who is doing that now?
Finish meetings at 5pm
Mow lawn.
Make dinner for JD.
Feed Baby J Squash and Rice Cereal
Bath JD
Bath Baby J
Put JD to bed
Feed Baby J last bottle
Put Baby J to bed
Eat something somewhere in there
Go back to work because I didn't have time to complete everything I needed to in the 8 hours I was in the den today
Make bottle for the middle of the night
Make coffee for the morning
Go to bed

*Note: I don't always do all of this. Sometimes P-Daddy wakes up with JD in the morning.  And the night routine is normally shared.  But not today.  And probably not tomorrow.  Cause when P-Daddy is sick, he is out and an additional person for me to care for.  Doesn't make me love him any less.  Just makes it a bit of a harder week for me.  All of that was brutally honest and hard for me to type but I am keeping it there. 

I realize that something at some point is gonna give.  Has gotta give.  I don't want it to be me.  Lack of sleep can do that to this momma.  Lack of sleep and the constant of the above.

And I pause for a moment and think "How in the HELL do the Duggars do it?"  And then I laugh at myself for thinking that because its so outlandish but seriously, how do they do it?

On top of all of the above.  I.never.stop.thinking.

Thinking about

if JD is in the right school or if I need to send him full time somewhere
if I am in the right job for me
If P-Daddy is happy (with his job, his life, me, sex, you name it)
Shit...if I am happy (with all of the above)
If I am spending enough quality time with Baby J
If I am spending enough time with JD
If I am spending enough time with P-Daddy
If I am spending enough time with me
If my boss is happy with that specific day
And then in the middle of the night I start making mental to-do's for the next day while I am not sleeping
If I am skinny enough for me
How am I going to get skinny
If my mom is happy
If my dads business is going to be okay through this recession
And then if my brother will be okay if the business isn't okay
If P-Daddy's parents are okay and healthy and happy
If my dad is healthy and okay
If I am being a good enough friend
If I am being a good enough sister
If I am good enough
If I work out enough, not for skinniness for healthiness
Then I think about it for the skinniness part
If I tell people my feelings enough
If I tell people my feelings too much
Then I think about what I wish I would have said to that person at work that talked down to me that specific day
Am I being myself
Are we saving enough
I literally could go on and on but I will spare you

and I know I am not alone.  Everyone has their own struggles.  Facebook is good and bad for me on this front alone.  Good because everyone seems to be so honest about their trials and tribulations on their status updates...most of which I find completely trivial and it makes me stop for a moment and be thankful that I am not a skank.  Ha.  Then bad because I start to feel guilty about all the feelings I have above because my life is so good.  And I am not a skank.

Needless to say I made a long overdue appt with the therapist today.  Or I at least emailed her.  Its time to go and have a good cry on her couch.  She is the one person on this planet that doesn't make me feel like my feelings about anything are trivial or bad.  And I need that right now.  Apparently worse than I thought.

Long overdue on a good rambling session don't ya think?

OMG I leave for a few months and Blogger goes and changes its interface and its all pretty and new and it makes me feel like I don't belong. HA!

I probably don't. 

I am sure I piss off the regular bloggers. 

But that's not what this is about now is it.

Apparently if you want to be all into FREE social networking you need to be okay with change.  Which is funny because people hate change.  And yet it seems all people are social networking.  Maybe Mark Zuckerberg is single handidly going to change that in the world.  Now that would be an interesting movie.

Can you believe my baby is 6 months old?  I am pretty sure I haven't REALLY blogged since she was an infant.  She is wayy too big.  And wayyy to sweet.  She is the kind of baby that if she was the first born you would for sure have a dozen.  You not me.  But she sure does make it tempting.

Oh but she doesn't really like to sleep.  So excuse me if I misspell words and sort of sound crazy at times through this post.  I am a bit dizzy and delirious most of the time now a days.

Worth it. 

And JD is FOUR!  How did that happen?  I am a mother of a child.  Not a baby.  Oh and speaking of that I have CHILDREN.  Not child.  Children. 

And yet I still act like teenager or 20 something most of the time.  Not with the drinking and the smoking.  But with my weirdness mostly.  And the laughing at my own jokes.  And the weirdness.

I can't wait until my kids can really appreciate their parents weirdness.  I seem to think they will totally dig it and will be laughing with US and not at us.  One can only dream.

And the reason I say "us" is because P-Daddy is just as weird and funny.  If not more so.  But don't tell him I said that because I like him to think I am the funniest and weirdest one around here.

I like to think that the two new hit shows New Girl and Up All Night are somewhat written about me and my life.  I am weird and funny like New girl (just ask me) and up all night is just my life! It just is, OKAY?! :)

So I mentioned this to some of my friends last week but think its definitely worth saying here.

I blogged a lot about how being a SAHM and how it was hard and all that jazz.

Who was I kidding?

Working mom status is the hardest.  And I will tell you why.  You work and have all of that responsibility and have to be on your A game and all professional and smart cause they don't care if you were Up All Night (see how I worked that in there...told ya) or still smell like spit up and snot...nope.  They need you at your best all the time. 

And then there is the guilt.  The mom guilt that you aren't there every waking second with your children ensuring that they know they are loved and adored and nurtured.

And then there is the pangs that you AREN'T there seeing every little amazing thing that your children do each day.

And then there is laundry, and cooking a HEALTHY dinner and trying to spend time with your husband and time for yourself and then there is your friends.  Basically you become a bad friend.  I will say it.  And then you have guilt about that.

And I don't have to get ready for work.  I am pj casual everyday.

And my mom watches our kids.

And every other week I have a cleaning service that changes my sheets and makes my home squeaky clean and beautiful.

And yet its still really hard.  Do I sound like I am complaining?

I am not.  I like my life (can't you tell?!-HA!).  I am happy with the decision to be working.

I am better when I work.

But the moms and dads out there that get up after no sleep and get themselves ready, their kids ready, drop their kids at a daycare somewhere and are at their desk by 8am.  Well, they are my new hero's.

Seriously.

Moving On...

I have officially diagnosed myself with a MILD (okay maybe moderate) case of OCD.  P-Daddy and I had the whole day to ourselves (basically) yesterday and we both decided to spend the day completely organizing our lives.  Relax cause we get no sleep..nahhh!  Lets maticulously organize the tool box in the garage (if you are wondering, no it wasn't P-Daddy-it was me), medicine cabinet, and our master bedroom closet.  Oh and don't forget loading up three large boxes of kids clothes (tear) for Goodwill. 

Or the fact that before P-Daddy and I had a little get-away I labeled all of Baby J's drawers and made the below (which is just one page of the entire binder I left for our precious babies caretakers that weekend). 

Not to mention that this month alone I have re-arranged our living room twice.  Last month-once.

Apparently OCD is currently how I am dealing with my issues.  HA!  Better that than Marlboro Ultra Lights right?!  Can I get an AMEN?

P-Daddy and I did get away recently to go and watch our great friends get hitched.  We made a long weekend out of it and spent some quality time with each other and friends.  It was awesome and much needed.

I haven't laughed that hard in a long time. 

At other people's jokes that is. 

I laugh that hard all the time at my own of course.

We have great friends. 

And that's all I got for today.

If you just smile

I noticed last night as I was laughing out loud at the rerun of Saturday Night Live we had DVR'd that my face hurt. I noticed this the night before too. Hurt like it did when I used to smile for hours through a Madrigal performance back in the day.

And then I smiled...again

Because I realized that my face hurt because I am smiling so much.

How fun is that?

I do have so much to smile about and I know this but knowing you have a lot to smile about and actually smiling about it are two different things people.

And I have been smiling so much, without even realizing it that my face hurts at the end of the day.

So blessed. So freaking, flipping blessed.

Here is a glimpse into my smiles...I hope it makes you smile too! Love my life!

PS-may need a reminder of this face hurting due to smiling so much business very, very soon if Baby J doesn't start to consistently sleep through the night pronto! :)

The Ramblings of This Tired Momma

Today you will get a rare glimpse into exactly how my brain is working right now. Its a bit jumbled and filled with lots of randomness but should be an interesting read! :)

Right now I am sitting with JD on the couch, watching "Handy Manny." He is snuggled up to me and his feet are on top of my feet. He is huge. I mean seriously GIANT and I know I won't get opportunities like this with him forever so I am soaking it up.

I was really over all of the Royal Wedding coverage. I mean over it. I just sort of wanted the world to leave William and Kate alone. But turns out I felt their day was lovely. And I liked the short kisses. William doesn't like PDA people. It was cute.

He fell out of his bed at 4am this morning. Loudest thump I have ever heard (or so it seemed at the time). Almost a full year in that bed with no guard rail and he has never fallen out before. Poor thing was so sad. This momma was happy to help him BACK into bed and prayed he would fall back asleep. He did. Thank God.

Baby J is currently fast asleep in her pack n play with us downstairs. Sleeping on her belly, which happens to be her favorite way to sleep. This is unfortunate because unless I am wide awake and able to watch her every move she can't sleep this way. Even though the girl has AMAZING head control. Came out of the womb that way. Everyone in the hospital ooo'd and awww'd about it. I just wish she could sleep the way she likes without me breathing over her neck. Oh because selfishly I would like to sleep while she is sleeping the way she likes.

My left hip hurts like a mother trucker and has since the third trimester of pregnancy. I thought it was the pregnancy but I am worried something got loose in there. I walk with a limp sometimes. Probably not good. Totally forgot to address this issue at my 6 week follow up appointment last week because on that particular day things were feeling quite normal.

And now JD is out on the screened in porch. Mowing. Changing oil on his mower. Filling up the gas tank. Washing his mower. If he could mow in his sleep, he would.

And he is STILL talking about how much he missed us while we were in the hospital with Baby J. He sometimes cries about it. To say he felt abandoned is an UNDERSTATEMENT. He just told me he missed us while we were in the hospital. Came in from the porch, told me, went back to his business. Sad that even while he is busy with his favorite thing in the world, his little brain goes there.

Right before I had baby J I went to get my usual highlights and the gal tried something new and turned my hair ORANGE. I am still reaping the benefits from that disaster. Really awesome when my self confidence was already in the pregnancy dumps and now I have the lovely post baby body. I have had three total hair redo's, so its better but I have a feeling I will be feeling the pain of this mess up for at least a year. I have switched hair dressers.



I am in awe of how wonderful JD is with Baby J. In awe. He is a rowdy, ROWDY boy but when he is dealing with Baby J he is gentle and caring. Its a beautiful thing. And I find it so neat that when he is around she is almost always silent and following him around wherever he goes.

My old job decided they wanted me to return apparently. They sent me an email asking me to re-interview for my old position. I find this EXTREMELY interesting. I graciously told them I was happy with the company I am working with now. It was nice to know that they were interested in having me back. Wish they would have acted like they gave a damn about my work when I was there. Glad my company does now.

Speaking of my company now...they have been so ridiculously generous to our family since Baby J was born. Its humbling to know that these people I call co-workers that I have only met in person ONCE can be so giving and thoughtful.

My dad had open heart surgery to replace a valve 2 weeks after Baby J was born. He is doing okay now but things went very south a day after surgery. To say that I have been stressed is an understatement.


Baby J laughs in her sleep. Might just be one of my favorite things of all time.

I don't remember my dreams being as vivid postpartum with JD. I am having some crazy ones every single night and every single morning I think I should be writing them down.

Speaking of writing things down, I still have yet to write a single word in an actual journal. And yet I think about doing that everyday too.



When JD asked me to turn on a show for him this morning I told him that we really should be watching the news because today is a special day. "Osama Bin Laden was killed" I told him. "Why?" he asked. "Because he hurt our country and tried to make us less safe." "Why?" he asked. "Because he wasn't a nice man." "They schanked him mom?" "Yep JD, the schanked him." Schanked seemed like a less violent way to describe things so I went with that.



I am breastfeeding this time around and feel as though this subject needs a whole blog post. Bottom line: its hard work. Stay tuned.



I am struggling with what in the world to put on Baby J's feet when I put her in a dress. Socks? That seems strange to me. And she is too little for shoes. She has the cutest dresses but I just don't know where to begin with the feet business. Dressing JD was much easier. She has so many accessories and multiple parts to the same outfit. She is wayyyyy more fashionable than me (which I hope to continue for her sake).

My belly button will never be the same I am quite positive. Its back to being an innie but I just don't think its ever going to look right again. Damnit. :)



I wish I had more time to blog because I miss it. There I said it. I miss it.

Must label baby pictures well...could get confusing in old age...

So from the moment we saw our precious baby girl it has been a bit shocking how MUCH she looks like her brother did. I mean its even a bit creepy. JD has what they call a "stork bite" on the back of his neck that just looks like a big strawberry at the bottom of his hairline. His little sister, yeah, born with the SAME ONE! I think that is the creepiest to me of all the things.

From the hairline, to the eyelashes to the nose...its as if we have produced the exact same baby again, just a different sex! I never imagined they would look this much alike!

They are NOT the same baby...but they could have been twins and that is FO SHO!

Can you guess which one is JD and which is baby girl?