First go at being an Aunt

I am so excited to be an Aunt for the first time I can hardly stand it!  So, I went a little overboard with Pinterest and helping to plan her shower.  Thought it would be fun to share the wealth of what we put together for my sis in law and her baby girl to be!

This shower truly was a gift of love because I couldn't have been given a better gift of a sister in Aunt Ricki! Which, by the way she hates that I call her that (obviously not her name) but I love it.  Its the only pseudo sister like thing I think I do to her! HA!  I don't have a real sister and am honestly very thankful for that.  HA!  Seriously-all my friends with real sisters make me love the fact that I have a brother!  Aunt Ricki tcame into our lives almost 5 years ago and just embraced our family!  JD called her Aunt Ricki well before she was actually married to Uncle Badgeman!  She and Uncle Badgeman now live just a few seconds down the road from us now and it is so fun to be able to see them all the time!  I can't say enough about how  much I love her, how much I think she is PERFECT for my brother in law, and what an amazing mother I know she will be...frankly she already is!!  She has been such an amazing aunt to our kids I hope to be able to be the same for hers!

Click for Pinspiration



Click here for Pinspiration

I just did these myself with the leftover white chocolate from the cake balls (below) and used a little pink icing to decorate!  BEWARE: These are ADDICTING!

Double Chocolate Fudge Mini Fudge Cupcakes
Chocolate Cake Mix
Hot Fudge Sundae topping
Icing of choice
Piping bag (if desired)
Make cake as directed on box
Fill cupcake tins with small spoonful of cake mix
Spoon in a pinch of hot fudge sundae topping
fill cupcake tins the rest of the way (2/3 full)
bake as directed on box
Let completely cool
Ice with your favorite icing!

Strawberry Cream Cheese White Chocolate Covered Cake Balls:
Strawberry Cake Mix (make as directed on box)
Let completely cool
Break up in a bowl so it is completely crumbly
mix in 1 container of cream cheese icing
roll into 1-2" balls
place in refrigerator overnight
melt white chocolate (as directed on bag)
dip each ball (I sprinkled as soon as they were dipped so the sprinkles would stick)
place in refrigerator until the day of event

Click for Pinspiration

Click for Pinspiration

Click for Pinspiration
Click for the Free Printable

Click for Pinspiration

Click here for Pinspiration

Click for Pinspiration

Like these products?
Click for monogrammed items: Stitches to Britches
Click for burp cloth (there is more but thats all I show): Bobaloo
Click for bows and flowers: Girls Crochet Headbands

How cute is she?!!  Love!

Compelled

It must be time to return because for the last month or so I have had this tug at me.  This pull.  Topics and opinions and whole "blogs" running through my head to share.  To write.  I have pushed this away, tried to ignore it and its not going away.  And so I am back.

Its been a long time.  This could be rusty.

It occurred to me this past weekend how much I have grown.  Matured.  It was a hard weekend.  Filled with floods of memories, both good and bad...lots of holding my tongue (and we all know this is hard for me to do), then wondering WHY I held my tongue.  Loads of compromise.  Listening to things I didn't want to hear but bearing through it anyway.

Can you tell I went "home."

I did.

"Home" for me has had its ups and downs and all arounds for the past 15 years.  I used to carry it around on my sleeve and my heart ALL the time.  That was daunting and hard and I can't believe that I allowed myself to do it for as long as I did.  With that said, in some of the hardest years, I spoke my mind and tried not to let anyone or anything get in the way of my goals, hopes and dreams.  For the most part I was successful.  The outspoken part of me during those times has faded into what I call maturity.  But I am not necessarily talking about maturity in a glamorous fashion.  I sort of miss that side of myself.

However, I do believe maturity has allowed me to take the weight off.  That burden, however very present when I am around it, is not necessarily with me as much.

I realized this very fact after this weekend.  I enter into what feels like the twilight zone when I go back.  My parents home is the same but both of my parents don't live there anymore.  Very little physical changes have been made in 15 years.  So much love was put into building that home and yet so much crap (and I mean crap literally and I am using my inside voice) has come out of it.  So much crap still goes on inside of it.

I took a moment to think about bubble of a life at the point where I found myself alone, baby napping, boys at golf and sitting in what used to be my home living room and realize how lucky I am to have escaped all that embodies that place.  Don't get me wrong.  This girl has had a good life overall.  I loved my childhood.  I had good friends there, I had good times there.  But all of that "stuff" is gone.  Those people too have moved on.  So its just me and the people that live there now.  Some I love.  Some I don't trust.  An unbelievable misfortune. 

I live in a world where my friends all are college educated, smart, beautiful people inside and out.  And I am including the "friends" that fall inside of my daily Facebook feed. Don't hate. 
I live in a world where all of the babies I know were chosen and loved well before the first positive pregnancy test. 
I live in a world where the people around me have goals, ambitions, and see the positive side of the life around them (most of the time).  :)
A world that a bad days consists of a fight with your husband that doesn't involve actual violence, or your kids spent more than 5 minutes in time out. 

On paper it sounds a bit ridiculous and flowery.  And maybe it is a little ridiculous and flowery.  Because there are days that I am completely overwhelmed, feel overworked both at work and home, feel like my children have become hooligans (ha-I think that word is funny), and struggle to find consistent emotional  intimacy in my relationship with my husband.  I feel desperate, mad, worried. 

But my maturity has shown me that life is all about perspective.

"home" can provide a definite taste of that for me.

This trip just made me realize so much for some reason. 

It was less than 24 hours.  The trip.

Maturity, or whatever you want to call it made me realize that I no longer feel guilty for getting a private college education.  Or for the success I have had in my career.  Or the two homes I have been fortunate enough to own thus far.  Or for the way I have chosen to raise and discipline my children.  But to some the act of paying or the act of having money is the equivalent.  I guess.

Side note: Is it weird that me writing down that I no longer feel guilty about getting a private college education is the most profound (for me) of them all?  Maybe that's how serious it weighed on me?  Wowza.

I love my dad and my brother so much that it hurts.  They are the reason I sit alone in the living room and want to cry.  They are the reason too that I moved on.  That I am who I am.  They are not the reason I am writing this.  And neither is my hometown..  I love that place and what it provided me.  Its the cloudy place that is now my former "home."

Everyone has their family stuff.  I get it.  I just carried mine so close to my heart for so long that I allowed it to affect so many aspects of my life I can hardly stand it when I look back.  And looking forward...well thank God for maturity.  HA!  No seriously, I know that the road ahead is much like the road behind me.  I just have a different perspective now.  I am thankful for the lessons and know there will be more.  I just pray (and I am being literal here) that one day the place I once called "home" will find peace again.

That felt good.  I need to quit ignoring that nagging to come here and write.

Baby J's first year video

Its been wayyy too long!  I need to blog badly but for now I will leave you with this!  I cannot believe that Julia is a year old.  Too fast!!  

Missing a little bit of that "Effortless" thing that used to be a part of my life

I like hard work.  I really do.  I love that feeling I get after I have cleaned my entire house and am sweaty and the house smells good and dinner is in the crock pot and the laundry is done.  I love that. 

I love when I have a huge project at work and its finally done and someone says they loved it.  Because I already loved it but its nice to know that your hard work is working for you.

Or how about when I took my child to the daycare at the gym for the first time in over a year and when I picked him up the babysitter ladies told me what a nice young man he is.

All of that is wonderful hard work paying off.  And I love it.

But today I need a little bit of effortless in my life.  That sentence probably doesn't make sense.  But its what I need so I am keeping it there.

I need a day where I can call my friend and we just talk.  We just go get coffee.  We don't need a reason.  We just exist as friends.  Because we like each other.

I need a day where I can leave my house to run an errand or have a little me time and everything is in its place when I return.  The kids, the house, the dishes.  And I just fall into the couch with my People magazine and watch mindless television and just exist for a moment. 

I need a day where I come to work and I put in my day and feel good at the end of it.  Accomplished.

I just need some effortless in my life.

I have a case of the Monday's if you can't tell.

And apparently I think its a good reason to blog.

We will see if it turns out to be. HA!

I think this is why I feel this way:
Woke up at 1:30 am, fed baby J.
Put her back to bed at 2:30am
Had to take a half of a Tylenol PM at 3:30 pm because P-Daddy was snoring so bad I couldn't fall back asleep from being woken up at 1:30am
Next thing I know JD is tapping me at 7am
My mom stayed with us last night so her dog is at the house.  Throw on clothes (or more clothes-I am not a sexy type sleeper-ha!), get JD bundled, me bundled and we take Pete (the dog) out.
Jacob has tantrum number one of the day because I wouldn't let him put on the leash.
Get the dog in.
Make JD his milk and get him a nutra grain bar
get the dog his food
make myself some coffee
JDs alarm clock starts going off (because he is supposed to sleep until that goes off). 
I run upstairs to turn it off and find baby J awake.
Get baby J. 
Change her diaper.
Give her Zantac. 
Feed her.
Get JD bundled again, get myself bundled and take Pete out to poop
Get JD dressed for school.
P-Daddy is now up and JD goes upstairs to talk to him.
I take this opportunity to pack JD's school bag.
Baby J has pooped. 
Change baby J's diaper.
Its 8:40. 
JD is leaving for school with Daddy.
My mom is up now and taking care of Baby J.
I go to the office, boot up my computer and start my work day.
Have first meeting with boss where I am told I didn't turn in my "best work"-probably right. 
Take notes. 
Doing it over.
Get a text from P-Daddy that JD had a complete meltdown when he was dropped at school
Still on a call/meeting with my boss.  And now he is telling me how unhappy he is with other peoples work.
Flip to now where P-Daddy is back home because he doesn't feel good. 
Struggling to keep JD down for a nap.
Have EOD meetings that I am preparing for.
Still have unbrushed teeth, pajama bottoms, my shirt I wore yesterday on and haven't brushed my hair.
I have a huge zit on the tip of my nose
I have a huge zit on the side of my nose where a mole is and I am sort of freaking out that something is wrong (just went to the dermatologist and nothing was wrong then of course).
PS-I have been zit free my whole life so this is pissing me off
The lawn needs mowed and P-Daddy is sick-guess who is doing that now?
Finish meetings at 5pm
Mow lawn.
Make dinner for JD.
Feed Baby J Squash and Rice Cereal
Bath JD
Bath Baby J
Put JD to bed
Feed Baby J last bottle
Put Baby J to bed
Eat something somewhere in there
Go back to work because I didn't have time to complete everything I needed to in the 8 hours I was in the den today
Make bottle for the middle of the night
Make coffee for the morning
Go to bed

*Note: I don't always do all of this. Sometimes P-Daddy wakes up with JD in the morning.  And the night routine is normally shared.  But not today.  And probably not tomorrow.  Cause when P-Daddy is sick, he is out and an additional person for me to care for.  Doesn't make me love him any less.  Just makes it a bit of a harder week for me.  All of that was brutally honest and hard for me to type but I am keeping it there. 

I realize that something at some point is gonna give.  Has gotta give.  I don't want it to be me.  Lack of sleep can do that to this momma.  Lack of sleep and the constant of the above.

And I pause for a moment and think "How in the HELL do the Duggars do it?"  And then I laugh at myself for thinking that because its so outlandish but seriously, how do they do it?

On top of all of the above.  I.never.stop.thinking.

Thinking about

if JD is in the right school or if I need to send him full time somewhere
if I am in the right job for me
If P-Daddy is happy (with his job, his life, me, sex, you name it)
Shit...if I am happy (with all of the above)
If I am spending enough quality time with Baby J
If I am spending enough time with JD
If I am spending enough time with P-Daddy
If I am spending enough time with me
If my boss is happy with that specific day
And then in the middle of the night I start making mental to-do's for the next day while I am not sleeping
If I am skinny enough for me
How am I going to get skinny
If my mom is happy
If my dads business is going to be okay through this recession
And then if my brother will be okay if the business isn't okay
If P-Daddy's parents are okay and healthy and happy
If my dad is healthy and okay
If I am being a good enough friend
If I am being a good enough sister
If I am good enough
If I work out enough, not for skinniness for healthiness
Then I think about it for the skinniness part
If I tell people my feelings enough
If I tell people my feelings too much
Then I think about what I wish I would have said to that person at work that talked down to me that specific day
Am I being myself
Are we saving enough
I literally could go on and on but I will spare you

and I know I am not alone.  Everyone has their own struggles.  Facebook is good and bad for me on this front alone.  Good because everyone seems to be so honest about their trials and tribulations on their status updates...most of which I find completely trivial and it makes me stop for a moment and be thankful that I am not a skank.  Ha.  Then bad because I start to feel guilty about all the feelings I have above because my life is so good.  And I am not a skank.

Needless to say I made a long overdue appt with the therapist today.  Or I at least emailed her.  Its time to go and have a good cry on her couch.  She is the one person on this planet that doesn't make me feel like my feelings about anything are trivial or bad.  And I need that right now.  Apparently worse than I thought.

Long overdue on a good rambling session don't ya think?

OMG I leave for a few months and Blogger goes and changes its interface and its all pretty and new and it makes me feel like I don't belong. HA!

I probably don't. 

I am sure I piss off the regular bloggers. 

But that's not what this is about now is it.

Apparently if you want to be all into FREE social networking you need to be okay with change.  Which is funny because people hate change.  And yet it seems all people are social networking.  Maybe Mark Zuckerberg is single handidly going to change that in the world.  Now that would be an interesting movie.

Can you believe my baby is 6 months old?  I am pretty sure I haven't REALLY blogged since she was an infant.  She is wayy too big.  And wayyy to sweet.  She is the kind of baby that if she was the first born you would for sure have a dozen.  You not me.  But she sure does make it tempting.

Oh but she doesn't really like to sleep.  So excuse me if I misspell words and sort of sound crazy at times through this post.  I am a bit dizzy and delirious most of the time now a days.

Worth it. 

And JD is FOUR!  How did that happen?  I am a mother of a child.  Not a baby.  Oh and speaking of that I have CHILDREN.  Not child.  Children. 

And yet I still act like teenager or 20 something most of the time.  Not with the drinking and the smoking.  But with my weirdness mostly.  And the laughing at my own jokes.  And the weirdness.

I can't wait until my kids can really appreciate their parents weirdness.  I seem to think they will totally dig it and will be laughing with US and not at us.  One can only dream.

And the reason I say "us" is because P-Daddy is just as weird and funny.  If not more so.  But don't tell him I said that because I like him to think I am the funniest and weirdest one around here.

I like to think that the two new hit shows New Girl and Up All Night are somewhat written about me and my life.  I am weird and funny like New girl (just ask me) and up all night is just my life! It just is, OKAY?! :)

So I mentioned this to some of my friends last week but think its definitely worth saying here.

I blogged a lot about how being a SAHM and how it was hard and all that jazz.

Who was I kidding?

Working mom status is the hardest.  And I will tell you why.  You work and have all of that responsibility and have to be on your A game and all professional and smart cause they don't care if you were Up All Night (see how I worked that in there...told ya) or still smell like spit up and snot...nope.  They need you at your best all the time. 

And then there is the guilt.  The mom guilt that you aren't there every waking second with your children ensuring that they know they are loved and adored and nurtured.

And then there is the pangs that you AREN'T there seeing every little amazing thing that your children do each day.

And then there is laundry, and cooking a HEALTHY dinner and trying to spend time with your husband and time for yourself and then there is your friends.  Basically you become a bad friend.  I will say it.  And then you have guilt about that.

And I don't have to get ready for work.  I am pj casual everyday.

And my mom watches our kids.

And every other week I have a cleaning service that changes my sheets and makes my home squeaky clean and beautiful.

And yet its still really hard.  Do I sound like I am complaining?

I am not.  I like my life (can't you tell?!-HA!).  I am happy with the decision to be working.

I am better when I work.

But the moms and dads out there that get up after no sleep and get themselves ready, their kids ready, drop their kids at a daycare somewhere and are at their desk by 8am.  Well, they are my new hero's.

Seriously.

Moving On...

I have officially diagnosed myself with a MILD (okay maybe moderate) case of OCD.  P-Daddy and I had the whole day to ourselves (basically) yesterday and we both decided to spend the day completely organizing our lives.  Relax cause we get no sleep..nahhh!  Lets maticulously organize the tool box in the garage (if you are wondering, no it wasn't P-Daddy-it was me), medicine cabinet, and our master bedroom closet.  Oh and don't forget loading up three large boxes of kids clothes (tear) for Goodwill. 

Or the fact that before P-Daddy and I had a little get-away I labeled all of Baby J's drawers and made the below (which is just one page of the entire binder I left for our precious babies caretakers that weekend). 

Not to mention that this month alone I have re-arranged our living room twice.  Last month-once.

Apparently OCD is currently how I am dealing with my issues.  HA!  Better that than Marlboro Ultra Lights right?!  Can I get an AMEN?

P-Daddy and I did get away recently to go and watch our great friends get hitched.  We made a long weekend out of it and spent some quality time with each other and friends.  It was awesome and much needed.

I haven't laughed that hard in a long time. 

At other people's jokes that is. 

I laugh that hard all the time at my own of course.

We have great friends. 

And that's all I got for today.

Happy 4th Birthday to my Favorite Son!

Because I never blog anymore, ever I tried uploading this to Facebook but they got angry at me because of the music I added and deleted it. So...I am trying here. And can't make any promises that I will be back soon! BUT I do miss you blog!

Happy Birthday Jacob!

If you just smile

I noticed last night as I was laughing out loud at the rerun of Saturday Night Live we had DVR'd that my face hurt. I noticed this the night before too. Hurt like it did when I used to smile for hours through a Madrigal performance back in the day.

And then I smiled...again

Because I realized that my face hurt because I am smiling so much.

How fun is that?

I do have so much to smile about and I know this but knowing you have a lot to smile about and actually smiling about it are two different things people.

And I have been smiling so much, without even realizing it that my face hurts at the end of the day.

So blessed. So freaking, flipping blessed.

Here is a glimpse into my smiles...I hope it makes you smile too! Love my life!

PS-may need a reminder of this face hurting due to smiling so much business very, very soon if Baby J doesn't start to consistently sleep through the night pronto! :)